Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Turn my grief to grace

Come what may
I wont fade away
But I know I might change

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace

These lyrics are from Kate Havnevik's song Grace. I love those words because they are what my last year was about for on.

I got to see a lot of good people in Orlando last week. It was really really amazing. Some of you know, some of you don’t know. Last year was hard. Especially the last half of the year. I had some real pain in my life that I had not experienced EVER. And life got hazy. Relationships got hazy. Faith was hazy. God was super unclear to me. I questioned it all and doubted it all. Then the opportunity to move came along and I grabbed it. I wanted a change of scenery to wrestle through a lot of personal stuff, to heal a broken heart and to experience a new place. I know that some thought I was running but I know this move was Divine intervention in my life. I had already isolated myself enough (yes, my fault) in Orlando and because of the way I process things, I needed to go somewhere I didn’t question being judged. So, God took me to Austin. (I didn't seek this job out, it found me)

Some might say I got a new start. I don't really believe in new starts, that means you would constantly live in regret. It was a time for me to sit and allow grace to enter in. I could make no more excuses for my pain or grief at this point, and I so desperately wanted to heal. But I knew only in time...or at least I hoped. I see now that time is no longer a barrier.

In Orlando I sat with people that I was afraid friendships had been destroyed. I sat with people that prayed for me a year ago and knew they couldn’t force me into faith. How great it is to just be around and receive the love when you had anticipated something quite the opposite.

So I look back to a year ago and I can see and still feel the disappointment. It is not a disappointment that drives me to a bottle of Merlot and makes me want to curl up in my bed for an afternoon and shut the world out. It is a disappointment of experience. Seeing the journey from mistakes made through a lot of pain, into the doubt, learning to love myself, loving God, loving family. It is watching how God moved in me through the disappointment and knew I would return. Imagine the freedom of jumping one year ahead and seeing God when I didn’t think I ever would again!! (well that and enjoying a few glasses of Merlot and knowing it is not to numb the pain!!)

I have read a lot this past year. Many random, random things. (I am always up for suggestions too!!) There are two authors that have spoken the most into my life. Madeleine L’Engle and C.S. Lewis. So, I revisted a lot their books.

This quote sits in front of me at work.

"There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to be sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.....The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and pertrubations of love, is Hell. To love is to suffer. To journey through love is to journey thru sadness." C.S. Lewis

I make no apologies for loving and then in turn, hurting, because thankfully...that is when God shows up. We are given the gift of being free to respond in our own way, creatively or destructively. I have realized that in my freedom, God has written the story.

Thanks to friends in Orlando that supported me when I couldn't accept it or realize it. I look forward to more visits your way.


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