Friday, June 1, 2012


I mean, its the face of courage, right?  That sweet cowardly lion from the Wizard of Oz.  And his speech?  I can hear that distinct voice when I read it.

Courage. What makes a King out of a slave? Courage.
What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage.
What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist or the dusky dusk?
What makes the muskrat guard his musk? Courage.
What makes the Sphinx the 7th Wonder? Courage.
What makes the dawn come up like THUNDER?! Courage.
What puts the "ape" in ape-ricot?
Whatta they got that I ain't got?
Dorothy & Friends:  Courage!
Cowardly Lion: You can say that again.

I seem to be getting a lot of messages about this lately.  And honestly, without prompting, very unintentional. I haven't posted since the 4 month mark and we have now gone through 6 months since losing Juliette.  My bad days have more good days in between and especially in the last month, I have seen my depression become more manageable, if that is even possible (?).  To catch some of you up, but if you read this you probably know....I am currently in the job hunt as May 7 was my final day at LIVESTRONG.   Let's just say my eyes have been opened and this has been a huge learning time for myself and Sam.   I am proud of the work I did there for 4 years bringing the Team LS program to fruition and having a hand on raising over $16 million+ for those affected by cancer.  I met many wonderful people that I will stay in touch with.  I am still overwhelmed at the many people that stepped in for our family when we lost Juliette and even now as I move through being unemployed.  I don't know what is next, but I am excited.  I have some great possibilities for the next adventure and so in these few months of transition, I am taking time for myself.  Time to really heal from our loss.  This has been a gift more than what I expected because I was reminded no one should ever let their job define them.  I was starting to do that, and so the slap in the face is what I needed.  Family, love, faith and really good food & coffee is what matters.

Back to courage.  I was in yoga class yesterday with one of my favorites...Leeahhhhhh.  She started the class and ended it with this reading.  "Courage is moving into the unknown.  It is leaving the past behind and allowing the future to be."  Love. This.  For some reason in this reading, courage seems peaceful.  It is accepting what has been and what will come.  I don't know why, but it helped me jump a big hurdle.  Previously when people have mentioned courage to me, I have thought of it as "fighting through adversity"  That courage is a struggle.  I don't want to fight.  I am tired.  My sad days are really sad and my good days are really good.  There is really no in between for me.  It's from one extreme to the other.  It's who I am.  It's how I was made.  When I hurt, I hurt.  And if you try to shut that down.....well, good luck.  I woke up today with this new definition of courage.  My workout at CrossFit was killer.  I was focused and at peace.  I have found my smile again and the ability to dream.  I am singing again.  In fact, I saw my friend Crash last night and she wrote this to me later... "A smile on your face = a smile in my heart. Good to see it again. Love."   I was trying so hard to be brave and courageous in the wrong way.  Again, yoga on Thursday morning pushed me forward.  The practice of yoga has helped me breathe more in the last 6 months that I ever anticipated.  To just stop for an hour each day.  To move through a series of poses that help me connect with where my body and brain is.  And to know I don't EVER have to be perfect in that space.  It's not possible.  I am thankful for the instructors that have modeled 'courage' for me.  They don't even know what they have done for me in the last 6 months.

My goal is to wake up each day knowing that courage doesn't mean I have to win, but to keep trying and then let it be.