Saturday, March 17, 2012

Four months. I am her.

Today is 4 months.  4 months since we said goodbye to Juliette.  Normally I am up for some good Irish fun, but I could barely remove myself from bed.  Did I mention I am away from my Sam?  Yep.  Been gone for work since Tuesday.  I fly back to him on Monday.  Right now is especially painful because this coming Thursday would have been our due date.  And Thursday is the day of the week we delivered.  My nightmares have been more difficult since the first month of our grief.  Today a few of my girl friends called and my Aunt Becky called on Thursday which has certainly help to not feel alone.  Although, the physical distance from Sammy and my normal surroundings makes me feel very alone.  I had a friend say today, "Colleen, sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in our hearts."  As I reached through my tears, I realized those words could not be more true.  Juliette at 23 weeks, so very tiny, has does more than take up a large part of my heart, she has stolen it.   I will be honest, I feel a lot lost right now.  The peaks and valley of this grief are really hard.  Many times I don't feel the emotion coming until it is right on top of me and I can't breathe. 

This is the first place I will write this.  It's no secret that I have postpartum depression.  I finally gave in to some medication and hope to feel the upswing from this within the next month.  I have since found out that I am also fighting symptoms of PTSD.  (post traumatic stress disorder)  Now working through some treatment options and looking into a counselor to help walk that line.

I'm seeing a lot of friends get their dream of motherhood.  I am happy for them, but it seems since January 1 there has been a new arrival every week.  So you are happy but you then doubt if you will ever have that ending.

I have kept a personal journal through all this and I was reading through some of that this afternoon.  I will say...I am lucky to have so many female friendships that work in my life.  By this I mean women that help me belong to myself.  They don't judge.  They just walk beside.  They don't provide an answer, they just let me ask the questions.  I also found one entry on just feeling shaky that I wanted to post here:

I want my spark back, but I am shaky. I am learning I have to respect the shaky parts. Even the shaky parts have a spark to them that doesn't fade.  I want to love my extraordinary self.  Because, yes, I do feel I am extraordinary.  I want to see every difficulty as a challenge and never be defeated by anything or anyone.   Starting today I am going to give myself permission to live.   It was Eleanor Roosevelt that said, " You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  Yes please.  It is true that in the last 6 months I have known defeat, struggle and loss AND I am climbing my way out that, trying not to judge the days it takes.  From knowing defeat, struggle and loss I believe I can have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills me with compassion, gentleness and concern.   In time, I am her.