Friday, September 28, 2012

Kramer's lullaby....Bernadette Peters

Last night Bernadette did an encore that I will truly never forget.  This was a lullaby for her dog as she is a huge supporter of Broadway Barks.  She shared this also for us to remember to hold those close to us, to squeeze your children.  Here are the lyrics.

Good night my pal
Good night my friend
Tomorrow I"ll see you again
Close your eyes, don't worry
There's no need to be in a hurry
Sleep deep my friend 
I am here

You are my dream
You are my wish
Tonight you'll sleep in total bliss
I will send you moonbeams
I will send you angels in your dreams
Sleep deep my friend
I am here

I always dreamed I have a friend 
Someone to love me who would send 
away my bad dreams, away my fears
Then suddenly you appeared
Goodnight ol' soul, goodnight my dear
I am smilng now from ear to ear
I will always love you
I'll always protect you
You are in my heart forever
Always in my dreams together
and tomorrow when you wake up 
I'll be here

As one can imagine, this set off the water works for me.  But it was powerful and cleansing.   I love how music continues to heal my soul and my grief.   I feel at some point I will get to sing this song.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Not A Day Goes By....

Got a picture of you I carry in my heart
Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark
Got a memory of you I carry in my soul
I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold
If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine
But the truth is, if you could read my mind

The last time I posted was June 1.  It's almost October which means Christmas music is playing in the malls.  Here is a snapshot update....

Since June, 
  • Almost made a large move to the Big Apple
  • Saw Idina Menzel in concert with a bunch of gals here in Austin
  • Spent 3 beautiful months unemployed and took much needed time for myself and my heart 
  • Offered a job (back) in the Arts (!) at ZACH Theatre here in Austin, TX
  • Started said job on August 7, 2012...exactly 3 months to the day from my last day at LAF
  • Started taking guitar lessons
  • Have committed myself to 60 days of yoga.  Taking all high intensity out of workouts.
  • Made plans for Sam and I to get away in a few weeks for a dear friends wedding

2012 will be gone soon and where most will start to reflect in December on the year that just happened I think my "year" has been changed from November to November.  So much pain, so much heartache and yet so much gratitude for those that helped me walk when I couldn't take another step.  I am already anticipating how hard November will be for me, for us.  Things have already started to feel heavy as I remember getting the bad news last October around our pregnancy.  Just last week I came across Juliette's blanket while moving something and it felt like someone punched me in the gut.  I felt paralyzed, I couldn't move.  I just sat and wept and really missed the entire of experience of wanting to be a mom.  I also realized that in the midst of life I had stopped dreaming and hoping for that. 

As you can see, we have not stepped into the direction of getting pregnant again.   Those of you who have been kind to not ask us this personally, thank you.  For others that asked, you probably got a very honest and awkward (for you) response.  I do not apologize.  When I say Juliette was a miracle in the first place, she was.  You just never really ask someone that information unless they bring it up and want to talk to you about it.  Period.  That is the etiquette.  There are many fears for us in moving ahead with this happening again.  As well, I did not have ample health insurance while unemployed to cover me and a pregnancy, so all things had to be put on hold.  Then in searching for a job....even though it would be discriminatory I could not risk BEING pregnant while looking for a job.  It's a lovely woman friendly world we live in.  Yes?  That is probably a completely new post.  We both still very  much want and desire to be parents.  This could be via adoption through foster or God willing, naturally.  We don't know.  I have watched many friends have children in the last year and as one can imagine it is difficult.  Baby showers are still not something I am comfortable with and walking past the baby department in any store is a task.  I just try to gracefully glide right by.

I guess what I am trying to say and update you all in this is....we are here, we are okay and moving forward....but not a day goes by, not one single day where I don't acknowledge the pain and sometimes still press very hard into it.  Those of you that said time will fade this wound, you were right. Time may dampen the severity of a wound, but no true wound is ever completely healed.  I have also found that the wound is the place where light enters.....where God has wrapped Himself around me, our family, and help me put one foot in front of the other.  Our wounds are often the openings in the best and most beautiful part of us.  And what happens when you open those wounds and in turn, your heart?  You get better. My good days far outweigh my bad at this point. I will say that for the most part I have been good to me.  I have stayed true to my promise in my first blog after our goodbye that I would be kind to myself during this process and healing.  Especially taking note in the first year.  My mantra has been "wounds into wisdom" and to never feel like I have to be in this grief what someone else is telling me to be.

I may revisit this blog a few times over the next month as we approach one year without Juliette.  Thank you dear friends for helping our family move through this pain and be real during the process.  We are forever grateful and hopeful.