Friday, November 18, 2011

Dear Juliette Phoebe Ann


Yes, that is your sweet name, Juliette. I always wanted a little girl named Juliette and we didn't tell ANYONE your name because I wanted to be the first to call you by that name when I got to meet you. Only it was a meeting that began broken hearted. I had you for 23 weeks and this pain in my heart is paralyzing. I can't imagine mother's that may get a few weeks, months or even years with their children and then lose them, and I am watching now and clinging to their strength because I don't seem to have it on my own. The last 2 days with you Juliette will forever be on my heart. A tough memory as I knew shortly after hello would be goodbye. It all happened so fast. Over the last 23 weeks, I was a Mom. People tell me I still am and I fight and struggle with that. And then comes my anger. I would trade anger for understanding. What I "want" for what is "real." All I know Juliette, is I wouldn't change any of our path even if the doctor's told me at 8 weeks in this could happen, I would allow life to work itself out and ask God for a miracle. That wasn't in this for us. You fought 3 weeks longer than what the Dr. anticipated, and to have that time to say goodbye as your heart slowed down was more precious to me that what most would understand. I am sad I never got to see your first smile, or hear your first cry. When I saw your fingers and how long they were at just 23 weeks, I was sad that I would never sit at a piano and teach you how to play your first scale or song. It was a deafening silence in our room when you delivered. But I am glad for the time you and I got together when Daddy went to go get food. I got my wish to sing to you for awhile and to tell you there were some pretty amazing people you would meet in heaven. Other children that were gone too soon that would meet you. And of course, Grandma and Grandpa Wilson. They will spoil you as only I wanted to.

Juliette, in just 23 weeks you changed my life. (our lives) You reminded me in a profound way how precious life is. You taught me that tears are ok at all times, because those tears drip with more love than you know. I have seen love to be like a fabric that never fades, no matter how often it is washed in the waters of adversity and grief. My memory of this week may eventually fade but my love will be here, ever strong for you. You taught me that love from a mother/father is so very real. If we could have done anything for your heart condition, we would have. When we saw your little body yesterday, it was so real to us that you had suffered and so although saying goodbye was very difficult, your body is perfect and whole now. No more pain. I can write that but have a long way to go until my selfishness sees that as "better".

The one thing I promised to you Juliette is that I would remember to be kind to myself during this process and that this healing is a journey. And for me, I feel a long journey because I wanted to be your Mom so badly.

We love you so very much. Thank you for the blanket and sweater that I have to remember you by when I held you on November 17th, 2011.

Writing and talking to you helps me right now. We love you so very much.

Mommy and Daddy

11 comments:

chelsea said...

God bless you Colleen and Sam. Your love for Juliette is so evident in that precious picture. Be kind to yourself. And if you have not read Heaven Is For Real, there is a very interesting part of the book that, given your experience, I think you would find particularly comforting...that is if ANYTHING can be comforting right now. My prayers are with you. Take it a breath at a time.

islego said...

Wish I could take some of the pain and carry it for you and Sam. You are Juliette's Mom, always will be, and will know her and be known by her in glory one day. This is one of those moments when I can't understand the hand of God but have known his heart long enough to trust him even now. Love you guys and will have your back in prayer each and every day.

A/K said...

People who lose spouses are called widows. Children who lose parents are called orphans. There is no term for parents who lose children, because such is a loss and a grief that is unspeakable. I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. Juliette was a lucky, lucky girl to have such amazing parents.

Soon Hee Newbold said...

Beautiful, beautiful picture. I, of course, can never fully understand what you're feeling but I can empathize a bit with your pain. My sister lost her first son at 3 days after birth and one of my best friends lost hers after 21 weeks of pregnancy. This picture reminds me a lot of the picture my sister and her husband have which is one of a few that we really treasure. My heart is breaking for you. Juliette has parents that gave her the best possible chance and loved her every step of the way. You'll continue to be in my thoughts and prayers until that wonderful day when we can all be reunited with our loved ones.

natalie said...

My heart and my prayers are with you and Sam and your darling Juliette. You are, and always will be, her mother. Nothing can take that away.

pupbutt said...

This picture is precious and what I see is your love. The love that only a mother and father can feel. Juliette was blessed with two wonderfully caring, giving and loving parents that she will have eternally. I am here for whatever you need. My love and prayers to you both. Love, Andi xoxo

Kirsten said...

Colleen, beautifully written. I'm crying with you and I wish I could give you a big hug. The perfectly expressed words in this post probably don't even scratch the surface of the pain in your heart. Jesus knows every bit of your pain and loss, cling to Him. At the same time that is so hard because He allowed this to happen. But He loves you more than we can ask or think-and He loves sweet Juliette that much, too. Take each moment one at a time, you will make it. I will be lifting you and Sam up in prayer. A friend told me once during a hard time of grief to "Trust His character, not my circumstances," and that resonated with me. Look for His promises of comfort, and love, and so much more. Thank you for bravely sharing all of this, it brings out so many prater warriors. Love you!!!

Tracie said...

Sweet words spoken from a mom who loves her daughter. Colleen, I'll be praying for God's presence to be felt by you and Sam as you grieve. Take your time and be patient in that process. And never forget that you are loved.

Heather T. said...

Colleen and Sam, my heart is aching for you. Your love for your daughter is so real and so felt through your words. I am sure she can feel this love from you both. What a beautiful picture. My prayers are with you.

aliceb said...

This is the most beautiful and powerful picture of your hearts and your love. You are beautiful and so is your family. My heart cries out for you and I want to pour out love on you. My spirit says that no matter how our children come to us, no matter how long, and no matter what we know of them it is worth it all. We will be known and we will fully know and it is the same for our children -- we will fully know them so very soon. In this pain always remember Juliette has brought you joy.

Diva Mom said...

Dear Colleen...such a beautiful letter. I wrote a similar letter in a journal I was keeping for the baby when I miscarried my first child. It does help. The heartache is unreal. It feels like you are losing your mind. Know that many, many love you and are praying for you round the clock. Lean on Sammy (and he on you). Your beauty, Juliette, is at peace....and you WILL see her again and be able to do all the Mommy things with her that you have planned. Believe it! My heart aches for you and Sammy. You will make it through this, and happier days are ahead. This I know for sure. Love you much!