Friday, November 18, 2011
Dear Juliette Phoebe Ann
Yes, that is your sweet name, Juliette. I always wanted a little girl named Juliette and we didn't tell ANYONE your name because I wanted to be the first to call you by that name when I got to meet you. Only it was a meeting that began broken hearted. I had you for 23 weeks and this pain in my heart is paralyzing. I can't imagine mother's that may get a few weeks, months or even years with their children and then lose them, and I am watching now and clinging to their strength because I don't seem to have it on my own. The last 2 days with you Juliette will forever be on my heart. A tough memory as I knew shortly after hello would be goodbye. It all happened so fast. Over the last 23 weeks, I was a Mom. People tell me I still am and I fight and struggle with that. And then comes my anger. I would trade anger for understanding. What I "want" for what is "real." All I know Juliette, is I wouldn't change any of our path even if the doctor's told me at 8 weeks in this could happen, I would allow life to work itself out and ask God for a miracle. That wasn't in this for us. You fought 3 weeks longer than what the Dr. anticipated, and to have that time to say goodbye as your heart slowed down was more precious to me that what most would understand. I am sad I never got to see your first smile, or hear your first cry. When I saw your fingers and how long they were at just 23 weeks, I was sad that I would never sit at a piano and teach you how to play your first scale or song. It was a deafening silence in our room when you delivered. But I am glad for the time you and I got together when Daddy went to go get food. I got my wish to sing to you for awhile and to tell you there were some pretty amazing people you would meet in heaven. Other children that were gone too soon that would meet you. And of course, Grandma and Grandpa Wilson. They will spoil you as only I wanted to.
Juliette, in just 23 weeks you changed my life. (our lives) You reminded me in a profound way how precious life is. You taught me that tears are ok at all times, because those tears drip with more love than you know. I have seen love to be like a fabric that never fades, no matter how often it is washed in the waters of adversity and grief. My memory of this week may eventually fade but my love will be here, ever strong for you. You taught me that love from a mother/father is so very real. If we could have done anything for your heart condition, we would have. When we saw your little body yesterday, it was so real to us that you had suffered and so although saying goodbye was very difficult, your body is perfect and whole now. No more pain. I can write that but have a long way to go until my selfishness sees that as "better".
The one thing I promised to you Juliette is that I would remember to be kind to myself during this process and that this healing is a journey. And for me, I feel a long journey because I wanted to be your Mom so badly.
We love you so very much. Thank you for the blanket and sweater that I have to remember you by when I held you on November 17th, 2011.
Writing and talking to you helps me right now. We love you so very much.
Mommy and Daddy