Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Closure?

It's a strange word and in the last few weeks it's been thrown around. A lot. I looked it up to see what good ole' Webster has to say about it. Here it is: "an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality." Huh. Comforting? Nope. Satisfying sense of Finality? Hell no. Yep, that is not how I feel at all. And yes, I know it's all final and I can't change the outcome of this for us, but I hold onto those few hours we had with Juliette and I can't find this thing called CLOSURE.

Closure is the word I would often use when a stupid boy would break my heart and i wouldn't have a reason. I would sob..."if he would just tell me WHY, I would have closure." (am I right ladies? this is where you use the word closure)

Not here. No closure. Even getting to hold Juliette didn't provide closure for me, for us. It made me realize what that first hold means to a mother, it made me want that to last just a few more days and then I would say goodbye. How long could I get them to keep me in this hospital?

And then you go home. And then things happen that are supposed to be part of being a mother, yet there is no child there to see that through or experience that with. And you look at your husband and you can't explain how and why you feel so shitty. I mean he knows why, but you find yourself wanting to show him how strong you can be even though it is completely exhausting. And you want to just have a constant pity party for yourself. And you get visitors and you throw on the "I'm alright face" and then crumble the minute they leave the house. Then comes the follow up Dr. appt to see if you are "okay". And you finally tell someone the truth. You aren't and it hurts and you feel bad when you smile and laugh because you aren't supposed to do that right now, right?

Here is what I know right now. You don't get closure from this. I don't think that is possible. I know at some point this will fade and the pain on some days will be less. But you don't get closure or any satisfying sense of finality. Especially not when this pregnancy was a miracle in the first place. Why would God allow this to be taken away when it was such a gift for us? Why? And how would anyone expect any closure to come from that? I realized today I don't expect this thing called....closure.

4 comments:

Alison said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alison said...

After Bobby died someone said to me, it will never be ok but someday it will be fine. There is no closure to such a deep and profound relationship and someday is often too far away, but it's there.

Lisa said...

There is not suppose to be closure my friend. They are no less our kids because they aren't physical with us. You have a daughter, I have a daughter. Each lived is one day closer to being with our girls! I love you

Aunt Becky said...

Oh Colleen, you are so very right - there is no closure. Much of this will soften and become less harsh, but closure, to me, occurs in relationships that where one person wanted to go away. This is not the case at all, if my own definition even makes any sense to anyone else. You might find yourself with unpredictable outbursts of anger, frustration, disappointment or looking for justice------like I did--I actually yelled at my supervisor about a crack in the wall of one of the kid's rooms in pediatrics where I was a nurse! I told her that I thought the children shouldn't have to deal with a crack in the wall when they were already suffering. What I really meant was that I shouldn't have to deal with a loss so painful and and a life that had not just cracks in it but a huge empty hole. Instead of reporting me or firing me,she gently told me about a group of parents that had experienced loss like I had and that she thought my outburst was indicative of my pain and anger.I had gone back to work 3 weeks after the first baby died--and it was so hard to hold other people's babies. The meetings with the other parents helped greatly. I discovered that it truly was okay when I could laugh or giggle at times even though my baby was dead after 7 years of infertility, surgeries, drugs and procedures just to get pregnant when my siblings, co-workers and friends were practically 'baby factories'. I found that it was 'normal' (I wanted to be normal) to not remember where I parked the car, to lose my car keys....I hope I am not writing too much here. I just want you to know that you can absolutely be "not alright" and not strong around me. Until I met the people in my group (one set of parents we still keep in touch with!), I had no one to talk to. They understood me - no platitudes, no awkward responses. The group was called S.H.A.R.E - I don't remember what the letters stood for now. Please do call me or email me if you need to vent - this is so difficult - especially right now when people are so cheerful about Christmas...You are right, Colleen, do not expect closure. Juliette will always be a part of your life and I am ever so happy that you held her and I am now going to look in your blog for the photo of the 3 of you. Much love, Aunt Becky