Thursday, January 31, 2013

THIRTY. EIGHT.

I  haven't been here in a few months, but no doubt I am hitting up my journal outside of the world wide web.  Much transformation happening, and all good things, it just seems I have my trusty notebook with me more than I have my computer.  I warn you...this post will start out a bit heavy, but stick with me....there is a bright light at the end. In fact, I think this could maybe help people see that staying the course and facing the shit, can and will eventually bring hope back into your space.

Yesterday was THIRTY EIGHT for me.  Yep.  38.  I know it is really just a number but let me take you back to one year ago at 37 and you may start to see why it is so momentous for me.  For myself and Sam.  Last year I was barely 2 months into having lost Juliette and didn't want anything to do with my birthday.  Nothing.  In fact, I didn't want anything to do with anyone's birthday.  I had a few friends over (Thank You Tristy and Crash!) to watch the Bachelor with me and have some dinner....this was my poor attempt at 'celebrating', watching some of the worst trash on TV.  Where was I in the world of depression?  If I couldn't celebrate birthday's with my daughter, then no one was going to have that side of me.  (and sidenote:  previous to this...I absolutely LOVE birthdays)  January 30th of last year was also the first time I admitted to anyone outside of my counselor that I simply didn't want to live anymore.  That my suicidal thoughts were heavy and very real.   I remember my beautiful friend Melissa taking the time to hear me say those words and then not judging, not telling me what to do, but helping me process that.   And then she stayed on me...walks, coffee, stopping by my desk and just provided a listening space.  Many things happened from January 30th to May 7th (the date that I lost my job.)  More depression, stress, PTSD, anxiety off the charts....in other words, a complete and utter hot mess.  After May 7th, I began to breathe again.  And I found the inhale and the exhale as a continual work in progress.  Could it be that an embarrassing moment of watching someone I used to call friend, 'let me go', be a large blessing?  Sure was and is and now will always be.

Over the last 8 months my daily prayer, intention and path has been to just return to and find that better version of myself.  To allow God to heal my heart and my pain.  I don't need or want it to go away completely, the pain also carries my love, and I know now, that loving that recklessly will always be worth it.  To let people in and allow them to help me heal was also a valuable part of the process.  Not easy for me, I like to prove I can do it all my own.

This week, more than ever in the last year, I have found my soul smiling and seeing that better version as my husband planned my birthday evening, as I met up with friends, as co-workers celebrated my birthday and as I found myself on my yoga mat with my new family at Wanderlust Yoga.  Yesterday.  I celebrated.  I celebrated 38 years old.  I laughed with my husband,  I enjoyed reading every text message, voice mail, email and facebook message from friends and family.  I celebrated.  I celebrated the path from the year before, even the tough stuff, because the tough is what gets you to the party folks.  I didn't see that when I was in the middle, how could I?  how could anyone?  My heart and my soul are singing again and as my husband so beautifully put in the card he gave me last night, "Here is to a new year that will be surely be full of new adventures, awesome moments, much laughter and love."  I didn't know if I would ever believe in this again.  But I do.

As I was in yoga class this morning, the final song was Idina Menzel singing 'No Day but Today', which resonates with me, especially these words:

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret--or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today

I pray, hope and want this for everyone I come into contact with.  Whatever today is for you, there is only today.  Good or bad, work through it, trust the process (I know, so cliche').  And if life hands you lemons, you do NOT always have to make lemonade.  That is crap.  Be real with the moment, find people you trust and work it out.  Ask God the tough questions, just because.  I am so glad that I had that conversation with Melissa one year ago on my birthday, because of that....I celebrate, dream and hope.

Namaste friends.  Namaste.



2 comments:

Carol Jenny said...

Colleen, thanks for your heart to heart to all your friends. I know it will help someone else see tomorrow CAN be better. God bless you.

Carter said...

Hee hee! I love your words, "And if life hands you lemons, you do NOT always have to make lemonade. That is crap." I sooooo agree with that--- As humans, we do not always have to make lemonade out of those sour lemons... but I have to add one tiny little thing to that. Speaking from the other side of YEARS of dragging myself through the lemon juice... I now realize that God was making the lemonade for me all along :)

Welcome to the beginning of your party, my friend.