Fighter.

I haven't posted in a while.  I will warn you.  There could be some profanity in this you don't approve of.  It's where I am. I am in a raw place and find myself putting on the gloves and getting ready to push my way out of this.  Not in a combative, I am going to hurt someonek ind of way, although a punching bag to our garage would be a nice addition for some of this angst.  I am simply put...over the bull$hit.  The pain got extensively thicker when I returned to the other parts of my life I had forgotten for 6 weeks.  I hated my birthday, it made me think of those I won't have with Juliette.  And it made me think the clock is certainly ticking...I am now 37.  That much closer to 40 and those words "advanced maternal age" haunt me every day.  I don't if there is an easy way to return to life after any kind of loss.   It's a process, a long one I am finding.  I am experiencing more change that I ever anticipated, things that are not connected to the loss of Juliette.  And then yesterday happened.  I didn't want to get out of bed and my depression felt like an extra 100 pounds on my shoulders.  Then clicked on a blog I read,  CrossFit Lisbeth.  Yesterday she posted about fighting and it was like she reached into my brain and pulled every word I wanted to say.  Those that know me, know I will not give up easily. It's not in my DNA.  I have a mother and a grandmother that were fighter's through life.   This was the beginning of Lisbeth's blog yesterday.

"You fight. I’m talking to you. Don’t let this world get the best of you. Don’t let it take you alive. Don’t let this world beat you until you give up. No matter what happens, you keep going. Sure, life is going to pummel you but dammit you better fight back. Kick, scratch, claw, do whatever it takes to keep breathing, keep going, to stay alive.


All you have — all you’ve ever had, really — is heart. A whole lot of f*8%#ing heart. Don’t give it up now.

Lots of people have given up on this life, on their loves, on this world. Don’t be one of them. Don’t walk this earth with a life foregone but not yet ended."  CrossFit Lisbeth

Then I read this today on another site, a testimonial of a guy who works out at my CrossFit gym.  "Struggle, I have come to realize, is not a talisman of weakness or failure, it is just a reminder that there is plenty of room to grow. I am proud of today, but I will always push for more tomorrow."

All the haters that think they can judge this thing I am walking through, that's shameful.  All the stabs in the back I have felt over the last 3 weeks, I am pulling them out and moving on.  All the nods of judgement that feel my struggle is a weakness and that I won't find a way to pick myself up again.  You don't truly know my heart.  You don't truly know the fighter I am.  For you, I have a front row seat to how this will all unfold.

And let's remember that judgement is never a good thing.  I would never wish this kind of pain on you. Never.  You couldn't possibly know how much I have wanted to be a mom.  You couldn't possibly know what it was like to deliver a child and leave the hospital empty.  You couldn't possibly know what it was to take down a nursery that you had dreamed about.  And YOU know exactly who YOU are. 

**I am surrounded and covered by so many that are letting me walk this journey and feel every minute of it.  They allow the ups and downs.  Thank you for being a shoulder for my many tears right now.  I am extremely thankful and will try to focus on those people now.  I just had to get off my chest that I won't allow 'YOU' to affect me anymore.  You won't take one more day from me.