Saturday, March 17, 2012

Four months. I am her.

Today is 4 months.  4 months since we said goodbye to Juliette.  Normally I am up for some good Irish fun, but I could barely remove myself from bed.  Did I mention I am away from my Sam?  Yep.  Been gone for work since Tuesday.  I fly back to him on Monday.  Right now is especially painful because this coming Thursday would have been our due date.  And Thursday is the day of the week we delivered.  My nightmares have been more difficult since the first month of our grief.  Today a few of my girl friends called and my Aunt Becky called on Thursday which has certainly help to not feel alone.  Although, the physical distance from Sammy and my normal surroundings makes me feel very alone.  I had a friend say today, "Colleen, sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in our hearts."  As I reached through my tears, I realized those words could not be more true.  Juliette at 23 weeks, so very tiny, has does more than take up a large part of my heart, she has stolen it.   I will be honest, I feel a lot lost right now.  The peaks and valley of this grief are really hard.  Many times I don't feel the emotion coming until it is right on top of me and I can't breathe. 

This is the first place I will write this.  It's no secret that I have postpartum depression.  I finally gave in to some medication and hope to feel the upswing from this within the next month.  I have since found out that I am also fighting symptoms of PTSD.  (post traumatic stress disorder)  Now working through some treatment options and looking into a counselor to help walk that line.

I'm seeing a lot of friends get their dream of motherhood.  I am happy for them, but it seems since January 1 there has been a new arrival every week.  So you are happy but you then doubt if you will ever have that ending.

I have kept a personal journal through all this and I was reading through some of that this afternoon.  I will say...I am lucky to have so many female friendships that work in my life.  By this I mean women that help me belong to myself.  They don't judge.  They just walk beside.  They don't provide an answer, they just let me ask the questions.  I also found one entry on just feeling shaky that I wanted to post here:

I want my spark back, but I am shaky. I am learning I have to respect the shaky parts. Even the shaky parts have a spark to them that doesn't fade.  I want to love my extraordinary self.  Because, yes, I do feel I am extraordinary.  I want to see every difficulty as a challenge and never be defeated by anything or anyone.   Starting today I am going to give myself permission to live.   It was Eleanor Roosevelt that said, " You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  Yes please.  It is true that in the last 6 months I have known defeat, struggle and loss AND I am climbing my way out that, trying not to judge the days it takes.  From knowing defeat, struggle and loss I believe I can have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills me with compassion, gentleness and concern.   In time, I am her.


Kirsten said...

I can't tell you how many times you come to my mind. It's good to read your words and know you are fighting hard. Lots of love to you, still praying, not forgetting your pain.

Anonymous said...

Today - another 15th and in 2 days another 17th - I cannot get you, Sam and Juliette out of my mind, my heart, my prayers... Your words are full of the wisdom and the courage that it takes to really live through this unwanted experience. You articulate your feelings so well - 30 years ago I wanted the spark back, but I didn't know how to respect and accept the shaky part. I love you more than I can say - am teary right now. I am here for you, -please know that.I remember your Juliette and all that she is bringing to each of us...

Unknown said...

Sweetheart Colleen, You are on my mind, in my heart and in my prayers. I'm so sorry I have not been a better aunt over the past few months by contacting you periodically. But I do want you to know that you and Sam have been in my prayers and I have not forgotten your loss for one minute. My heart aches for you and I'm sending my love and hugs hoping you'll feel some measure of warmth or comfort. I don't know what you're feeling but I do know how I felt when I thought we might lose Isaac and the pain was horrible. I did not handle it with courage but I tried to remind myself of God's power and love.
Please allow yourself whatever time you need to hurt. It's right and fitting that you are struggling. November wasn't so long ago and your trauma was huge. Just try to remember you are loved and you have our Almighty Father with you every step of the way.
I love you lots........ Aunt Linda