Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Not Once, but Twice today...enough already.

Today I had to practice some serious courageous vulnerability.  2 different time.  I mean...I am already being stretched..ONE time is enough each day, I don't want any more than that. 

It went like this at the gym this morning... lady (who was not in the know): oh, are you Colleen that does yoga?  me:  yes, I am.  lady:  Oh! you had your baby then.  me:  No.  I didn't.  And then I had to swallow a thousand times to keep the tears from pouring down my face.  I was determined to stay and finish the workout for the day.  I then talked with said lady on our warm up run and explained to her in very quick details that I had to deliver...but the outcome was not what we had hoped.  She, of course, felt horrible and knew she had stepped onto tender ground. 

It was after that I had to fill out some forms for some counseling.  The question, "Do you have kids?" Gulp.  Well no, but yes, but no.  I guess that is why you go to counseling, huh?

It was a hard day.  No doubt about it.  I put on a smile at work and just got through the hours that I could.  Now I am home waiting for my Sammy to get done with work.   I am guessing moments like this will sting for a very long time.  They make me feel like we delivered yesterday.  They make me want to crawl into a hole. 

I try to return back to what I know about love and pain.  There is no safe investment.  To love at all is to be vulnerable.  Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.  If you want to be sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one.  Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will not change. It will not be broken.  To love is to suffer.  To journey through love is to journey thru sadness.

Tomorrow is another day.  I will try again.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I was witness to the first occurrence today, and my heart broke for you. Your strength is an inspiration, and I am in awe of the way you are handling everything. The fact that you are sharing all of this to heal and help others is a testament to the kind of person you are. We love you and are always here for you Colleen!

Anonymous said...

I was also witness to the first occurrence and I hurt for you. You amaze me every day when you show up to your life and put one foot in front of the other. I know you are not trying to be an inspiration or an example, but you are. You make us all want to be stronger than we are.

Aunt Becky said...

I could not have said this better than you did! The tender ground will become less tender, but there is always the question of how to let people know that you do have a child without also simultaneously sharing the loss - again... I do tell people who ask "How many children do you have"? - 3, but the first 2 didn't survive. It is usually awkward for them, so I try to comfort them (and myself - 30 years later... Your blogging and sharing all your thoughts help this old lady. So keep'm coming! Stay vulnerable - the love is so much stronger than anything else you will encounter!