Kramer's lullaby....Bernadette Peters

Last night Bernadette did an encore that I will truly never forget.  This was a lullaby for her dog as she is a huge supporter of Broadway Barks.  She shared this also for us to remember to hold those close to us, to squeeze your children.  Here are the lyrics.


Good night my pal
Good night my friend
Tomorrow I"ll see you again
Close your eyes, don't worry
There's no need to be in a hurry
Sleep deep my friend 
I am here

You are my dream
You are my wish
Tonight you'll sleep in total bliss
I will send you moonbeams
I will send you angels in your dreams
Sleep deep my friend
I am here

I always dreamed I have a friend 
Someone to love me who would send 
away my bad dreams, away my fears
Then suddenly you appeared
Goodnight ol' soul, goodnight my dear
I am smilng now from ear to ear
I will always love you
I'll always protect you
You are in my heart forever
Always in my dreams together
and tomorrow when you wake up 
I'll be here


As one can imagine, this set off the water works for me.  But it was powerful and cleansing.   I love how music continues to heal my soul and my grief.   I feel at some point I will get to sing this song.

Not A Day Goes By....

Got a picture of you I carry in my heart

Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark

Got a memory of you I carry in my soul

I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold

If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine

But the truth is, if you could read my mind

The last time I posted was June 1.  It's almost October which means Christmas music is playing in the malls.  Here is a snapshot update....

Since June, 

• Almost made a large move to the Big Apple
• Saw Idina Menzel in concert with a bunch of gals here in Austin
• Spent 3 beautiful months unemployed and took much needed time for myself and my heart 
• Offered a job (back) in the Arts (!) at ZACH Theatre here in Austin, TX
• Started said job on August 7, 2012...exactly 3 months to the day from my last day at LAF
• Started taking guitar lessons
• Have committed myself to 60 days of yoga.  Taking all high intensity out of workouts.
• Made plans for Sam and I to get away in a few weeks for a dear friends wedding

2012 will be gone soon and where most will start to reflect in December on the year that just happened I think my "year" has been changed from November to November.  So much pain, so much heartache and yet so much gratitude for those that helped me walk when I couldn't take another step.  I am already anticipating how hard November will be for me, for us.  Things have already started to feel heavy as I remember getting the bad news last October around our pregnancy.  Just last week I came across Juliette's blanket while moving something and it felt like someone punched me in the gut.  I felt paralyzed, I couldn't move.  I just sat and wept and really missed the entire of experience of wanting to be a mom.  I also realized that in the midst of life I had stopped dreaming and hoping for that. 

As you can see, we have not stepped into the direction of getting pregnant again.   Those of you who have been kind to not ask us this personally, thank you.  For others that asked, you probably got a very honest and awkward (for you) response.  I do not apologize.  When I say Juliette was a miracle in the first place, she was.  You just never really ask someone that information unless they bring it up and want to talk to you about it.  Period.  That is the etiquette.  There are many fears for us in moving ahead with this happening again.  As well, I did not have ample health insurance while unemployed to cover me and a pregnancy, so all things had to be put on hold.  Then in searching for a job....even though it would be discriminatory I could not risk BEING pregnant while looking for a job.  It's a lovely woman friendly world we live in.  Yes?  That is probably a completely new post.  We both still very  much want and desire to be parents.  This could be via adoption through foster or God willing, naturally.  We don't know.  I have watched many friends have children in the last year and as one can imagine it is difficult.  Baby showers are still not something I am comfortable with and walking past the baby department in any store is a task.  I just try to gracefully glide right by.

I guess what I am trying to say and update you all in this is....we are here, we are okay and moving forward....but not a day goes by, not one single day where I don't acknowledge the pain and sometimes still press very hard into it.  Those of you that said time will fade this wound, you were right. Time may dampen the severity of a wound, but no true wound is ever completely healed.  I have also found that the wound is the place where light enters.....where God has wrapped Himself around me, our family, and help me put one foot in front of the other.  Our wounds are often the openings in the best and most beautiful part of us.  And what happens when you open those wounds and in turn, your heart?  You get better. My good days far outweigh my bad at this point. I will say that for the most part I have been good to me.  I have stayed true to my promise in my first blog after our goodbye that I would be kind to myself during this process and healing.  Especially taking note in the first year.  My mantra has been "wounds into wisdom" and to never feel like I have to be in this grief what someone else is telling me to be.

I may revisit this blog a few times over the next month as we approach one year without Juliette.  Thank you dear friends for helping our family move through this pain and be real during the process.  We are forever grateful and hopeful.  

C-O-U-R-A-G-E

I mean, its the face of courage, right?  That sweet cowardly lion from the Wizard of Oz.  And his speech?  I can hear that distinct voice when I read it.

Courage. What makes a King out of a slave? Courage.

What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage.

What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist or the dusky dusk?

What makes the muskrat guard his musk? Courage.

What makes the Sphinx the 7th Wonder? Courage.

What makes the dawn come up like THUNDER?! Courage.

What puts the "ape" in ape-ricot?

Whatta they got that I ain't got?

Dorothy & Friends:  Courage!

Cowardly Lion: You can say that again.

I seem to be getting a lot of messages about this lately.  And honestly, without prompting, very unintentional. I haven't posted since the 4 month mark and we have now gone through 6 months since losing Juliette.  My bad days have more good days in between and especially in the last month, I have seen my depression become more manageable, if that is even possible (?).  To catch some of you up, but if you read this you probably know....I am currently in the job hunt as May 7 was my final day at LIVESTRONG.   Let's just say my eyes have been opened and this has been a huge learning time for myself and Sam.   I am proud of the work I did there for 4 years bringing the Team LS program to fruition and having a hand on raising over $16 million+ for those affected by cancer.  I met many wonderful people that I will stay in touch with.  I am still overwhelmed at the many people that stepped in for our family when we lost Juliette and even now as I move through being unemployed.  I don't know what is next, but I am excited.  I have some great possibilities for the next adventure and so in these few months of transition, I am taking time for myself.  Time to really heal from our loss.  This has been a gift more than what I expected because I was reminded no one should ever let their job define them.  I was starting to do that, and so the slap in the face is what I needed.  Family, love, faith and really good food & coffee is what matters.

Back to courage.  I was in yoga class yesterday with one of my favorites...Leeahhhhhh.  She started the class and ended it with this reading.  "Courage is moving into the unknown.  It is leaving the past behind and allowing the future to be."  Love. This.  For some reason in this reading, courage seems peaceful.  It is accepting what has been and what will come.  I don't know why, but it helped me jump a big hurdle.  Previously when people have mentioned courage to me, I have thought of it as "fighting through adversity"  That courage is a struggle.  I don't want to fight.  I am tired.  My sad days are really sad and my good days are really good.  There is really no in between for me.  It's from one extreme to the other.  It's who I am.  It's how I was made.  When I hurt, I hurt.  And if you try to shut that down.....well, good luck.  I woke up today with this new definition of courage.  My workout at CrossFit was killer.  I was focused and at peace.  I have found my smile again and the ability to dream.  I am singing again.  In fact, I saw my friend Crash last night and she wrote this to me later... "A smile on your face = a smile in my heart. Good to see it again. Love."   I was trying so hard to be brave and courageous in the wrong way.  Again, yoga on Thursday morning pushed me forward.  The practice of yoga has helped me breathe more in the last 6 months that I ever anticipated.  To just stop for an hour each day.  To move through a series of poses that help me connect with where my body and brain is.  And to know I don't EVER have to be perfect in that space.  It's not possible.  I am thankful for the instructors that have modeled 'courage' for me.  They don't even know what they have done for me in the last 6 months.

My goal is to wake up each day knowing that courage doesn't mean I have to win, but to keep trying and then let it be.  

Four months. I am her.

Today is 4 months.  4 months since we said goodbye to Juliette.  Normally I am up for some good Irish fun, but I could barely remove myself from bed.  Did I mention I am away from my Sam?  Yep.  Been gone for work since Tuesday.  I fly back to him on Monday.  Right now is especially painful because this coming Thursday would have been our due date.  And Thursday is the day of the week we delivered.  My nightmares have been more difficult since the first month of our grief.  Today a few of my girl friends called and my Aunt Becky called on Thursday which has certainly help to not feel alone.  Although, the physical distance from Sammy and my normal surroundings makes me feel very alone.  I had a friend say today, "Colleen, sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in our hearts."  As I reached through my tears, I realized those words could not be more true.  Juliette at 23 weeks, so very tiny, has does more than take up a large part of my heart, she has stolen it.   I will be honest, I feel a lot lost right now.  The peaks and valley of this grief are really hard.  Many times I don't feel the emotion coming until it is right on top of me and I can't breathe. 

This is the first place I will write this.  It's no secret that I have postpartum depression.  I finally gave in to some medication and hope to feel the upswing from this within the next month.  I have since found out that I am also fighting symptoms of PTSD.  (post traumatic stress disorder)  Now working through some treatment options and looking into a counselor to help walk that line.

I'm seeing a lot of friends get their dream of motherhood.  I am happy for them, but it seems since January 1 there has been a new arrival every week.  So you are happy but you then doubt if you will ever have that ending.

I have kept a personal journal through all this and I was reading through some of that this afternoon.  I will say...I am lucky to have so many female friendships that work in my life.  By this I mean women that help me belong to myself.  They don't judge.  They just walk beside.  They don't provide an answer, they just let me ask the questions.  I also found one entry on just feeling shaky that I wanted to post here:

I want my spark back, but I am shaky. I am learning I have to respect the shaky parts. Even the shaky parts have a spark to them that doesn't fade.  I want to love my extraordinary self.  Because, yes, I do feel I am extraordinary.  I want to see every difficulty as a challenge and never be defeated by anything or anyone.   Starting today I am going to give myself permission to live.   It was Eleanor Roosevelt that said, " You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  Yes please.  It is true that in the last 6 months I have known defeat, struggle and loss AND I am climbing my way out that, trying not to judge the days it takes.  From knowing defeat, struggle and loss I believe I can have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills me with compassion, gentleness and concern.   In time, I am her.

Fighter.

I haven't posted in a while.  I will warn you.  There could be some profanity in this you don't approve of.  It's where I am. I am in a raw place and find myself putting on the gloves and getting ready to push my way out of this.  Not in a combative, I am going to hurt someonek ind of way, although a punching bag to our garage would be a nice addition for some of this angst.  I am simply put...over the bull$hit.  The pain got extensively thicker when I returned to the other parts of my life I had forgotten for 6 weeks.  I hated my birthday, it made me think of those I won't have with Juliette.  And it made me think the clock is certainly ticking...I am now 37.  That much closer to 40 and those words "advanced maternal age" haunt me every day.  I don't if there is an easy way to return to life after any kind of loss.   It's a process, a long one I am finding.  I am experiencing more change that I ever anticipated, things that are not connected to the loss of Juliette.  And then yesterday happened.  I didn't want to get out of bed and my depression felt like an extra 100 pounds on my shoulders.  Then clicked on a blog I read,  CrossFit Lisbeth.  Yesterday she posted about fighting and it was like she reached into my brain and pulled every word I wanted to say.  Those that know me, know I will not give up easily. It's not in my DNA.  I have a mother and a grandmother that were fighter's through life.   This was the beginning of Lisbeth's blog yesterday.

"You fight. I’m talking to you. Don’t let this world get the best of you. Don’t let it take you alive. Don’t let this world beat you until you give up. No matter what happens, you keep going. Sure, life is going to pummel you but dammit you better fight back. Kick, scratch, claw, do whatever it takes to keep breathing, keep going, to stay alive.


All you have — all you’ve ever had, really — is heart. A whole lot of f*8%#ing heart. Don’t give it up now.

Lots of people have given up on this life, on their loves, on this world. Don’t be one of them. Don’t walk this earth with a life foregone but not yet ended."  CrossFit Lisbeth

Then I read this today on another site, a testimonial of a guy who works out at my CrossFit gym.  "Struggle, I have come to realize, is not a talisman of weakness or failure, it is just a reminder that there is plenty of room to grow. I am proud of today, but I will always push for more tomorrow."

All the haters that think they can judge this thing I am walking through, that's shameful.  All the stabs in the back I have felt over the last 3 weeks, I am pulling them out and moving on.  All the nods of judgement that feel my struggle is a weakness and that I won't find a way to pick myself up again.  You don't truly know my heart.  You don't truly know the fighter I am.  For you, I have a front row seat to how this will all unfold.

And let's remember that judgement is never a good thing.  I would never wish this kind of pain on you. Never.  You couldn't possibly know how much I have wanted to be a mom.  You couldn't possibly know what it was like to deliver a child and leave the hospital empty.  You couldn't possibly know what it was to take down a nursery that you had dreamed about.  And YOU know exactly who YOU are. 

**I am surrounded and covered by so many that are letting me walk this journey and feel every minute of it.  They allow the ups and downs.  Thank you for being a shoulder for my many tears right now.  I am extremely thankful and will try to focus on those people now.  I just had to get off my chest that I won't allow 'YOU' to affect me anymore.  You won't take one more day from me.


 

Let the Creativity come....

"A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if she is to be ultimately at peace with herself." Unknown

Pretty excited about my day.  It may come as a shock that the picture above I created for a bride a few years ago when I was helping her with her makeup for her wedding. I am trying to return to my creative self right now.  I miss music and singing.  I miss playing with makeup.  It's funny, most people in Austin, TX know me as the girl that does non-profit work and has completed a few triathlons.  I would say the majority of my friends back in Orlando, FL where I lived for 9 years would say...oh, she is a singer, actor and part time make up artist.  It's true.  I love playing with color and see that come alive on other people's faces.  Don't be fooled, I am not someone who loves to wear makeup all the time.  It's a hassle.  I am good with some mascara, a dash of eyeliner and a good gloss or lip stick.  But when my husband and I take off on a dressy date night or when I get to return to my roots on singing and gig it up.....I love to bedazzle my face as well.  (and I do love my false lashes ladies)

That would return me to my day.  I am headed out on not one, but 2 makeup appts for some amazing ladies.  I am headed first to my friend Melissa's house to do her makeup for her Save the Date photos...which happens to be with one of my fave photographers in Austin.  Natalie of Hazeled photograpy.  She did mine and Sam's engagement shoot and are some of our favorite pictures in our home.  And then I am headed to an appt with a girl that is going to do trash the dress.  That is where a bride takes her gown that she surely won't wear again and does a daring photo shoot with it...I love this because I will get to use much color at this shoot.   She is doing something with finger paint and her 2 children, so I am excited for this consultation.  (Below is an example of trash the dress.)

I pulled a few more photos of past makeup I have done as I used to free lance for MAC Cosmetics.   

This was from a tribal event, hence the strange jewelry.

This is one of my favorite creations.  I did her hair and makeup as if she were a peacock.  So fun!

Trying to sing a little more.  Create a little more.  Love a little more each day....

Not Once, but Twice today...enough already.

Today I had to practice some serious courageous vulnerability.  2 different time.  I mean...I am already being stretched..ONE time is enough each day, I don't want any more than that. 

It went like this at the gym this morning... lady (who was not in the know): oh, are you Colleen that does yoga?  me:  yes, I am.  lady:  Oh! you had your baby then.  me:  No.  I didn't.  And then I had to swallow a thousand times to keep the tears from pouring down my face.  I was determined to stay and finish the workout for the day.  I then talked with said lady on our warm up run and explained to her in very quick details that I had to deliver...but the outcome was not what we had hoped.  She, of course, felt horrible and knew she had stepped onto tender ground. 

It was after that I had to fill out some forms for some counseling.  The question, "Do you have kids?" Gulp.  Well no, but yes, but no.  I guess that is why you go to counseling, huh?

It was a hard day.  No doubt about it.  I put on a smile at work and just got through the hours that I could.  Now I am home waiting for my Sammy to get done with work.   I am guessing moments like this will sting for a very long time.  They make me feel like we delivered yesterday.  They make me want to crawl into a hole. 

I try to return back to what I know about love and pain.  There is no safe investment.  To love at all is to be vulnerable.  Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.  If you want to be sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one.  Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will not change. It will not be broken.  To love is to suffer.  To journey through love is to journey thru sadness.

Tomorrow is another day.  I will try again.