Emily Dickinson- grief

Emily, you said it best in this poem.

I measure every Grief I meet
With narrow, probing, eyes –
I wonder if It weighs like Mine –
Or has an Easier size.

I wonder if They bore it long –
Or did it just begin –
I could not tell the Date of Mine –
It feels so old a pain –

I wonder if it hurts to live –
And if They have to try –
And whether – could They choose between –
It would not be – to die –

I note that Some – gone patient long –
At length, renew their smile –
An imitation of a Light
That has so little Oil –

I wonder if when Years have piled –
Some Thousands – on the Harm –
That hurt them early – such a lapse
Could give them any Balm –

Or would they go on aching still
Through Centuries of Nerve –
Enlightened to a larger Pain –
In Contrast with the Love –

The Grieved – are many – I am told –
There is the various Cause –
Death – is but one – and comes but once –
And only nails the eyes –

There's Grief of Want – and grief of Cold –
A sort they call "Despair" –
There's Banishment from native Eyes –
In sight of Native Air –

And though I may not guess the kind –
Correctly – yet to me
A piercing Comfort it affords
In passing Calvary –

To note the fashions – of the Cross –
And how they're mostly worn –
Still fascinated to presume
That Some – are like my own –

Dear Baby L

It's 3 am and I am awake again. I woke up in tears wondering if you know how much we love you. I also want you to know how much your Daddy wanted a girl. Early in our pregnancy I asked him if we wanted a boy or a girl. He said, "I honestly don't care, I want healthy, but I think it would be fun to have 2 of you around. So a girl would be fun." Now in my head, I thought...are you kidding? 2 super strong willed, sensitive and emotional ladies under one roof? You think that would be "fun"?! You want another competitive soul around, someone that thinks movie musicals make the best Friday night dates? Really? Do you know what you are signing up for if this is a girl?! He reminded me those are all reasons why he loves me and would welcome that.

When we found out you are a girl, our hearts melted. You should know I got lucky when God put your Daddy in my life. He is pretty great. I didn't understand "a perfect match" until I met him, but he is that. He has cried for you like I have and he hates it that he can't protect and fix this right now. Your heart is slowing down and he can do nothing.

We love you Baby L, we love you.

Mommy & Daddy

Dear Baby L

It's 2 am which seems to be a normal wake up time for me currently. My insomnia is off the charts and I struggle all the time with wanting to have conversations with our little girl inside of me. We found out the news at 19 weeks pregnant, she has made it to week 22, our Dr. was shocked the other day that her heart was still beating. I came home and had a small smile in my heart thinking, could she already know the woman that are before her and how she is already a fighter that would live up to blood in her. Writing has always been therapeutic for me. So when my tears wake me up, here is what I would tell her.

Dear Baby Girl L,

Your middle name would be after 2 woman that affected my life. You would have 2 middle names, Phoebe Ann. This was decided before Sam and I even knew we were expecting. As we discussed first names, the middle name was set. Phoebe is the name of your great-grandmother. She will greet you in heaven, please tell her I said hello and I that I miss her. She was barely 5 ft tall, but was a ball of fire and loved life. She didn't have over a middle school education but was one of the smartest women I know. Her laughter was infectious and I have such great memories of sitting next to her in church during summer visits and can still hear her voice sing out a hymn. She loved unconditionally and fearlessly. I wanted you to have a piece of her name. The other name Ann, is my Mom's, your grandmother's middle name. My mom also a fighter. Had a very difficult childhood and even in that never gave up on life and love. She gave me my love of music, and the arts. She is why I LOVE the Sound of Music and thought I was Maria. She also instilled a high level of competitiveness inside of me, and that transferred over into my love of sports. Both of these women also lived out an extreme life of Faith in front of me. This is the most important thing they gave me especially right now when I think of how this could turn out for your Dad and I. I have Faith that all things work for good little one. we love you.

Mom

Thursday, November 10

Sammy and I went back to our perinatal specialist for another ultra sound and check up. The fluid sacs have gotten significantly larger and the heart is slowly beating. We were told at this point, it is just a matter of time for the heart to stop and then I will be moved to delivery. There is nothing we can do. There is extreme adema and swelling for our little girl, she is in danger, and it is not something they can reverse.

We will go back next Tuesday for them to listen for a heartbeat and then every 2-3 days after that until we can't hear it any more. I will not know or be in any physical pain when her heart stops.

Today is a sad day for Sammy and I. The pain I feel in my body is nothing I have ever experienced before because its an emotional pain, not a physical pain. To try and wrap my head around going through a delivery and not bringing our sweet girl home is truly unsettling right now.

Wednesday, November 2

Wednesday, November 2

I received a phone call around 430 pm that the results were in and they were not good. It was then explained to me on the phone that our baby has Turner’s Syndrome. Something that happens at conception and is nothing we could have prevented. 1 in 2500 babies manifests itself in this way, and all the cases are girls. Basically every cell in our girl’s body is missing one sex chromosome and diagnosed this early, have an extremely low chance of carrying to full term and this is mainly because she is experiencing extreme heart failure. They usually see the baby miscarry in the second trimester which for us goes all the way to mid December. For those that do carry to full term, there are many complications that come from that as well, but at this time we are not focusing on that.

We basically have 2 options or 1 really, depending on how you look at it.

1. Terminate the pregnancy now because of the knowledge we have. This is not an option and I can’t tell you how I feel so good that God gave me a mate with the same conviction. No discussion, we instantly bypassed this “option”
2. We wait it out. I am monitored more closely, every 1 to 2 weeks. When/If the baby’s heart stops, we will be schedule to induction and delivery.

Tuesday, October 25

Sammy and I go for a routine check up which included our first anatomy scan of Baby Legge. (this is week 19 for us) My doctor walked into our room shortly after and let us know that they are seeing a few things that would cause for high concern and we needed to head over to a specialist right then. We then drove down the road to a perinatal specialist for another sonogram and a deeper look into what was going on. The Dr. informed us that our baby has 2 large lymphatic fluid filled sacs that are on both sides of the neck. (he showed them on the sonogram, they are so large that you cannot see a clear picture of the head, eyes, ears) He then also showed us a closer look at the heart and explained that the 4 chambers in the heart were not forming properly and not working correctly. Along with that, arms and legs were not growing as they needed to be. We then were moved into a room with a woman named Allison, a genetic counselor. She is amazing and I feel like God was looking out for us by placing us with her. She explained in simpler terms that our baby was in danger based on what they could see, and is showing signs of heart failure, but there were a few things it could be and they thought it would be good to do further testing.

We then chose to get a test of my Amnio fluid so they could better diagnosis what is happening. They made it clear it wasn’t to change anything that was currently happening, but for information down the road should we choose to try and conceive again. It would take 7-10 days to get that test back.

Now. We wait.

Just a quote....

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So that every moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love."
-Jennifer Edwards


Love this. Now if only I could live it.