Tuesday, October 25

Sammy and I go for a routine check up which included our first anatomy scan of Baby Legge. (this is week 19 for us) My doctor walked into our room shortly after and let us know that they are seeing a few things that would cause for high concern and we needed to head over to a specialist right then. We then drove down the road to a perinatal specialist for another sonogram and a deeper look into what was going on. The Dr. informed us that our baby has 2 large lymphatic fluid filled sacs that are on both sides of the neck. (he showed them on the sonogram, they are so large that you cannot see a clear picture of the head, eyes, ears) He then also showed us a closer look at the heart and explained that the 4 chambers in the heart were not forming properly and not working correctly. Along with that, arms and legs were not growing as they needed to be. We then were moved into a room with a woman named Allison, a genetic counselor. She is amazing and I feel like God was looking out for us by placing us with her. She explained in simpler terms that our baby was in danger based on what they could see, and is showing signs of heart failure, but there were a few things it could be and they thought it would be good to do further testing.

We then chose to get a test of my Amnio fluid so they could better diagnosis what is happening. They made it clear it wasn’t to change anything that was currently happening, but for information down the road should we choose to try and conceive again. It would take 7-10 days to get that test back.

Now. We wait.

Just a quote....

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So that every moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love."
-Jennifer Edwards


Love this. Now if only I could live it.

Closing from Northland last week

When I travel (which happens to be a lot these days) I often will watch Northland's service online. This was my church when I lived in Orlando. Last weekend's service has been in my mind for the last week...the closing was so good.

One good man,--one man who does not put his religion on once a week with his Sunday coat, but wears it for his working dress, and lets the thought of God grow into him, and through and through him, till everything he says and does becomes religious, that man is worth a thousand sermons--he is a living Gospel... And men see his good works...and realize God's grace is no dream, but that the Holy Spirit is still among men...and they get a glimpse of God again in His saints and heroes, and glorify their Father who is in heaven. ... Charles Kingsley, Twenty-five Village

It has simply made me think a lot this past week about myself and where my faith is right now.

My precious girl Kat

I am in LA and with a trip to LA means I get to spend time with my precious friend Kat. It's great. We aren't the best about keeping in touch via phone, as we aren't really phone people but when we plan trips to see eachother, it's awesome. We met at Disney. She was a dancer at Tarzan and me...a singer. And what is crazy is we actually became better friends once we left that world. Having kept in touch for the last ten years as life has taken us both through a few moves, her from NYC to LA and me from Orlando to Austin...I can easily say that we cherish the moments where we get to talk about our failures.

Wait? What? Our failures? yes, that is right...our failures. It's no doubt that Kat and I have had some good successes in life and trust me, we celebrate that with one another, but what I love is how we each accept the $hit. The last 3 days have been talking about how hard things are and how sometimes we just want to give up when it comes to life, relationships, work...etc, and there is this great thing about us that nothing is off the table. We don't judge what the struggle is. ever. We share, listen, sometimes cry and then point each other back to our faith and where we come from. We make it a point not to fix things for one another but simply to accept where each of us is on this crazy journey.

I am out in LA for work, but what is nice is that when work is done for the day, for one week I get to sit with my sweet friend and move through some pain.

I have much gratitude for this week. Love you Kat. (and Eric! **this is Kat's boyfriend and he will get mad if I don't mention him once in this post)

I get by with a little help....

from my friends...those Beatles sure knew what they were talking about. By the way, I still have dreams of an all chick Beatles cover band...whose in? Ok, I digress. This week certainly had its high five moments, many of which came from totally unexpected places.

I had 2 friends get in touch with me that I had not spoken to in a long time. And both were able to just be there...I didn't need there advice and didn't need them to tell me "it's gonna be ok". I just needed them to hang with me...and they did. you know who you are and I am thankful for the reconnection this week.

I also had a really amazing week in both my yoga practice and CrossFit. I have been consistent with my yoga practice for 7 months now, getting in atleast 3 times per week. I love yoga. It centers me, it's great prayer and meditation time and also a wonderful workout. I joined CrossFit Austin a few months ago to see if I could really take my strength to a new level. I got the endurance side of the house but noticed I am weak in strength..well, this week I proved myself wrong in many cases having multiple PRs in the gym with how much weight I am able to lift and then a little work out called "Fight Gone Bad", (I know. I know. this sounds like it was meant for me)I won't go into the details of this workout, but I had a huge personal PR and I left class on adrenaline high, and it carried me through my Friday.

This weekend I will relax a bit and try to get some good reading in. Sounds like a perfect date for me and Mr. Kindle. Looks like Austin weather will cooperate and I can be outside for a good portion of it.

If you see me, I could still use a hug. One day at a time.

What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me.
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,
And I'll try not to sing out of key.
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm,I get high with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends.

is the sun ever gonna break?

Ray LaMontagne said it best in his song, Are we really through?....

Is that sun ever gonna break
Break on through the clouds
Shine down in all its glory onto me?
Head upon the ground
‘Cause I can’t hear the sound
‘Cept my own sad story

Get so tired
Starin’ at the wall
Weight’s so heavy
And that mountain’s so tall

Is there no one who would catch me if I fall?
Is there no one who would catch me if I fall?

Because it’s more
More than I can take
Wish that I could fake it
Pretend like I don’t know what’s going on

Something’s wrong
Something’s wrong
Trying to hold on
Just a little longer

Here's the thing. Right now=not an easy time and because I assimilate everything with music, songs sometimes help me move through the pain. I heard this song today and simply love my iPod shuffle for throwing me this. Right now is more than I can take. For the last few months I have tried to fake it. I have put a smile on my face like I do and not stepped in the the light and said...OK, now I could use some help. But here I am blogging about it.

I've most certainly stepped away from what I know to be my deep rooted faith and belief that God can and will heal what is going on right now. Ok. There. i said it. whew. How many readers will i lose to that? I can't go into details of the source and why I am hurting so bad, it simply wouldn't be fair. But if you happen to run into me and you happen to see me fakin' in...kindly step towards me and just give me a hug. I probably need it, actually i do need it.

The great thing is in the midst of all this pain, I am back at the piano as I wanted to be.

Sorry to be such a downer but I have to break free from this shell of fear, and move on.

and now it's March 2

I must make time. I must make time. To write a new damn blog. The thing is....it's not right now. I did go on a small road trip today...2.5 hours to listen to my own music...if you don't own these albums, you should.

1.Diane Birch- Bible Belt (seriously. it's good)
2.Adele- 21 (this one doesn't need a reason)
3.Arcade Fire- The Suburbs (yes, all you haters from the Grammys, they are rock your face off amazing)
4.Sugarland, The Incredible Machine (I just want to 2 step the whole time)
5.The Last Five Years- broadway show, Jason Robert Brown. (the melodies, the lyrics, I will never let go of this album and in my car I can sing as loud as I want to)

Someday I will get back to singing on a more regular basis. Truth be told, I miss it a lot these days and I don't make time for it like I used to. There were some days I would come home from work and sit at the piano for up to 2 hours singing and practicing...i can't tell you the last time I did that. So I made a goal. For those of you in Austin. A night of song from yours truly is coming your way in June...and trust me, this will be a glorious time!