Travelin' Thru

Let the Creativity come....

2012-01-14T09:46:00.001-06:00

"A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if she is to be ultimately at peace with herself." Unknown

Pretty excited about my day. It may come as a shock that the picture above I created for a bride a few years ago when I was helping her with her makeup for her wedding. I am trying to return to my creative self right now. I miss music and singing. I miss playing with makeup. It's funny, most people in Austin, TX know me as the girl that does non-profit work and has completed a few triathlons. I would say the majority of my friends back in Orlando, FL where I lived for 9 years would say...oh, she is a singer, actor and part time make up artist. It's true. I love playing with color and see that come alive on other people's faces. Don't be fooled, I am not someone who loves to wear makeup all the time. It's a hassle. I am good with some mascara, a dash of eyeliner and a good gloss or lip stick. But when my husband and I take off on a dressy date night or when I get to return to my roots on singing and gig it up.....I love to bedazzle my face as well. (and I do love my false lashes ladies)

That would return me to my day. I am headed out on not one, but 2 makeup appts for some amazing ladies. I am headed first to my friend Melissa's house to do her makeup for her Save the Date photos...which happens to be with one of my fave photographers in Austin. Natalie of Hazele d photograpy. She did mine and Sam's engagement shoot and are some of our favorite pictures in our home. And then I am headed to an appt with a girl that is going to do trash the dress. That is where a bride takes her gown that she surely won't wear again and does a daring photo shoot with it...I love this because I will get to use much color at this shoot. She is doing something with finger paint and her 2 children, so I am excited for this consultation. (Below is an example of trash the dress.)

I pulled a few more photos of past makeup I have done as I used to free lance for MAC Cosmetics.

This was from a tribal event, hence the strange jewelry.

This is one of my favorite creations. I did her hair and makeup as if she were a peacock. So fun!

Trying to sing a little more. Create a little more. Love a little more each day....

Not Once, but Twice today...enough already.

2012-01-10T17:45:00.000-06:00

Today I had to practice some serious courageous vulnerability. 2 different time. I mean...I am already being stretched..ONE time is enough each day, I don't want any more than that.

It went like this at the gym this morning... lady (who was not in the know): oh, are you Colleen that does yoga? me: yes, I am. lady: Oh! you had your baby then. me: No. I didn't. And then I had to swallow a thousand times to keep the tears from pouring down my face. I was determined to stay and finish the workout for the day. I then talked with said lady on our warm up run and explained to her in very quick details that I had to deliver...but the outcome was not what we had hoped. She, of course, felt horrible and knew she had stepped onto tender ground.

It was after that I had to fill out some forms for some counseling. The question, "Do you have kids?" Gulp. Well no, but yes, but no. I guess that is why you go to counseling, huh?

It was a hard day. No doubt about it. I put on a smile at work and just got through the hours that I could. Now I am home waiting for my Sammy to get done with work. I am guessing moments like this will sting for a very long time. They make me feel like we delivered yesterday. They make me want to crawl into a hole.

I try to return back to what I know about love and pain. There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to be sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will not change. It will not be broken. To love is to suffer. To journey through love is to journey thru sadness.

Tomorrow is another day. I will try again.

Rescue me!

2012-01-09T13:41:00.002-06:00

Rescue me
Oh take me in your arms
Rescue me
I want your tender charms
'Coz I'm lonely and I'm blue
I need you and your love too
Not much to say except we finally found a perfect rescue dog that fits into our home. We have been looking for the right match with Pug Rescue of Austin and in December we met Thelma. (formerly know as Trudy, Little Pug, Tootsie....) She is now home with us and her big sister, Eloise, is loving her as much as we are. She is 2 years old and was abandoned with a horrible eye infection. They couldn't save the eye, but she has enough love in the one eye for our entire family.

It's funny, you rescue the dog but let's be honest....it's me they are rescuing.

Here is Thelma.

It's only fear...

2012-01-08T13:23:00.001-06:00

It's been an interesting couple of weeks. I haven't posted anything on here since December 27 about our journey through this grief, however, I am filling up a journal each and every day. Transferring all of those thoughts and realizations might make me seem really neurotic and today is the first day that I have had some down time. On December 29 we flew to Virginia to visit my sister and her family, we flew back on January 4th and January 5-6 were my first 2 days back in the office. This morning, Sammy and I went to church to what ended up being one of the most profound messages we have heard in a long time. (coincidence? we don't think so) Immediately in the car, Sammy and I had a very emotional conversation around approaching the 2 month mark of losing Juliette. What God has taught us in this and how do we continue to move forward. It was nothing short of an incredible dialogue with him. I love that Sammy.

In the last few months I have noted every mother that has experienced a similar loss. You have bravely and kindly shared your experience. You are what gave me my mantra for 2012. (I am not resolving to do shit this year.....except to continue to move through the shit) Every day I wake up and see the words..."Practice courageous vulnerability" As these women have called, emailed, or left messages your sharing does breathe some strength into my soul. You have continued to walk the path set in front of you and you have courageously shared it is not easy and that the loss will fade, but never go away. You see, whether you miscarry or lose during pregnancy in the 1st, 2nd or 3rd trimester, it is a LOSS. What has saddened me is these women usually start off with, "I didn't tell anyone, but I miscarried at......" And one woman even said to me, "When I miscarried, the Dr. said this happens often. I wish I would have known." Before now, I have just seen the wait until the 12 week mark to tell people as normal, but now I think its crap. Why is it so secret? Why do women hide with this pain? I am sure that deserves a much larger post....but I have no answers right now, it just angers me that women are embarrassed when they miscarry. WHY? How can we all change this conversation so that women feel supported through such a significant loss?

I still struggle with immense emotional pain. I still struggle with lost dreams. And to be honest, many moments that are quite obsessive. **note: I didn't expect this to be gone by now, I am just stating the obvious.** So many questions for us, for our future. That question mark has turned upside down like a fishhook in my heart. And then there is fear. And sometimes that fear is a fog that I can't even begin to walk through, afraid of what might be on the other side. Because, WHAT IF it really isn't what I want, what we want. And then I have moments where the dreamer in me takes over...I long for a new adventure, another pregnancy, and a different outcome. and then...I read something I have read a hundred times....

“Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery it is. In the boredom and pain of it, no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it, because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace." Buechner

And that is where the message at church this morning came into play. Our pastor talked from Genesis 22, Abraham and the sacrifice of his son, Isaac. The faith of Abraham in trusting. We sat and listened and then sang these words....
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us.
And if Our God is for us, then what could stand against?

Is this easy to fully believe for us right now? No. But this is a huge part of our journey. I won't silence my longing. I won't stop dreaming for us, even if that means more pain down the line. Life goes on, right? And so must we. And as Alexi Murdoch wrote so beautifully in his song...It's Only Fear...

Don't hold your head too high,
Don't be afraid to cry,
Because you know my dear, it's only fear, it's only fear,
Yes my dear,
Do you hear,
It's only fear, only fear, it's only fear
Keeps you locked in here.

Sisters, Sisters....

2012-01-08T12:18:00.001-06:00

Sam and I just went to Bridgewater/Harrisonburg, VA for 7 days to see my sister and her family. Shannon and I are 1 year and 12 days apart in age. During some time at home in December I had a project of labeling and cleaning my external hard drive as I hadn't labeled pictures properly and they were hard to find when I went in. I found many amazing gems from growing up with Shannon. I am going to post some pictures as well from our week in Virginia with her and her family. It was some much needed time with my side of the family. A BIG thank you to my Aunt Becky for offering her Southwest miles for us to fly up to see them. That was really really helpful. Shannon is the best older sister a girl could ask for. She has always been supportive in every area of my life. And this time has been no different. She has allowed me to vent when I needed to, called to check in on me and cried many tears for Sam and I. I just wish we lived closer.

During my wedding weekend

On a church retreat in high school

Evening gowns. yes, we did pageants. very briefly.

On a visit to Hburg to see Phoebe get baptized

Flood our Hearts.

2011-12-27T09:22:00.004-06:00

It's been a strange and surreal week. Christmas came and went and truthfully, because Sam and I set some boundaries with how we needed the day to go, we got through it relatively unscathed. Christmas Eve was hard as going to a church service where you hear/sing and think on the birth of our Savior. The birth of Jesus. Although in the midst of my crocodile tears, I had a huge realization that this same baby is the One that saves me each day from my darkest moments. (sidenote: I know not all who read this blog come from that Faith, and I am so willing to sit and discuss our differences in a manner that would benefit both of us to grow and learn where we each come from. What is NOT helpful is any kind of an email letting me know you don't agree blah, blah, blah....this is OUR journey and the Hope that Sam and I share. So please respect that.) ok...where was I? oh yes, what I have seen over time is that my heart can only be pierced by 2 things. Beauty and affliction. I swing back and forth between those 2 right now. I can't pin point where I am from moment to moment, it's a pendulum. I read in Ecclesiastes this week...."He makes all things beautiful in His time." I often sit and wonder what that timing will be for us and what exactly that means. I am questioning a lot these days. That's a huge part of this and I am ok with the questions. Many go unanswered though and again, only time will and can heal that.

In two months of this journey what I can tell you is I/we have seen growth. And on some days, it is very small, but as long as I move forward and not backward that is all I can work for right now. On a recent trip to Orlando I got to sit up and talk with my wonderful sister, Andrea, to the late hours of the night. She recently sent me an email that said this, "What I do know is that you are a master at teaching us all that life is not only to be lived, but LIVED and experienced, for and THROUGH the good and the bad." (me and my girl Andi in the pic to the right)
When I read it, I had to stop. Was that really what I was doing? If so, I will take it. As my soul takes on this pain, my heart's capacity also grows and expands...crazy, I am making room for more love? To want is to suffer; the word passion means to suffer. And so I am trying to fight my human reluctance and simply listen to my heart. I know that dullness will keep me from the pain of life and what I want out of this is more love and more passion. So bring it. Let it flood my heart. Our hearts.

Part of this journey is how Sam and I choose to remember Juliette. Last Friday we went and got the tattoos above. It was something we had talked about long before we knew Juliette's heart had stopped. I had always wanted some fancy body art, (if you don't have a tattoo, you aren't really "from" Austin) but didn't know what I would want placed on me forever. When this happened, it was clear. This is forever. As hard as is it for me to say. Forever Juliette's mother even though she was gone before her first real breath. Forever.

Just Show Up

2011-12-20T13:16:00.002-06:00

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up.” Anne Lamott

Today I was reading some Anne Lamont (she's one of my favorites. Her writings are real and her struggle with faith is something I can relate to) , Traveling Mercies and came up on this quote. I stopped and thought how appropriate for now. Right now, I do feel like we are in the dark. Hitting the one month mark this past Saturday was painful. Going through the holidays and seeing the last of the nursery being disassembled...gut wrenching. Remembering that this Christmas we were supposed to be anticipating the birth of our first child and trying to figure out how in my heck will my Presbyterian roots celebrate and reflect on the birth of Jesus. It ain't going to be easy. at all.

Then I read this quote and I think about the last week and some huge steps that I took in returning to life. I showed up to counseling for the second time. Even though I didn't want to, but I showed up. I decided I wanted to get back to my CrossFit gym even though I am aware that this 'baby weight' comes with the painful recognition that there is no baby. And so, I showed up on Friday and Saturday....and again today. I have gotten back out there with running and even though I am slower than I want to be and my hips are still adjusting since delivery...I showed up and placed one foot in front of the other. **I realize these are all workout options but since this is where I also get a lot of my socializing, it was hard for me for the last month to think about returning. I wanted to have a different identity and just run away. Also, the working out seems to help me escape the world of anti-depressants. Again, not a shot down if anyone else has taken these. They are just not for me. Right now. And postpartum is hard and everyone wants to give you the drugs. I say hugs, not drugs. ok wow...I digress.

A good friend that I happen to work with at LIVESTRONG messaged me and told me on Sunday she was proud of me for simply showing up this past week. It helped to hear that from someone else without any prompting and although I am fighting to keep all my emotions at bay when I am out and about....I know that if I just show up, at some point yes, the dawn will come.

Gratithursday

2011-12-15T12:09:00.002-06:00

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” — Albert Schweitzer

Today. December 15. This marks one month of when we found out Juliette's heart had stopped. Also happens to fall on a Thursday. Thursday's have been hard. It's the day of the week we delivered her. Particularly between the hours of 9 and 10 am. And then again at 530 pm which is when we handed her back to our nurses and said the worst goodbye we have ever known. A few weeks ago I told myself I would force myself to show up for the hour of 9-10 am. Whether that be to sit outside and catch some sun on my face, to go for a walk or to write. I would not lay in my bed and wonder if Happy Hour could start that early, but get up and lean...really hard into this pain. I truly believe that the healing will come eventually when I let room for this to happen. And when I lean, I get to know my friend fear a whole lot better, not trying to solve anything, simply trying to discover what it is that God has for me in that moment.

The last few weeks I have been going to a yoga class on Thursdays, with my favorite teacher, Leeah Taylor. (I like to say her name Leeahhhhhhhhh, because that is how deep she encourages me to breathe when I step onto my mat.) Coincidence? She teaches a class from 9-10 am. I have found comfort in going to yoga in the last few weeks because it is a workout, its a way to sweat but NO interaction with people. I don't have to talk, I don't have to tell people about my tears rolling down my face, and there is no judgement in this workout. It's personal. It's very private.

For me today this hour was....dare I say it?.....beautiful. We set an intention at the beginning of class and for me it was simple. I wanted to just know love. I wanted to take in the last month and wanted to kick my own ass into being receptive. And I did just that. With every stretch, posture, downward dog I was discovering fear in an entire new place.

At the end of class I laid on my mat in savasana, or final resting pose. The tears came and they rolled down both sides of my face. I had this wash of emotion that was controllable but needed to come out. I thought through so many of you that have stepped in over the last 6 weeks for our family. I was overwhelmed with more tears and well....yes, gratitude. Per the quote above, my flame has temporarily gone out (and I am OK with that) So many of you have stepped in and let me know this will change me. Forever. In what way is still to be determined as we continue this journey and we ask God to flood our hearts. Again I am OK with this timeline, I feel no rush.

What I think is important that in the midst of deep grief and loss, for just a moment you can find gratitude. And since its Thursday.....it's gratiThursday for me.

Grief vs. Fear vs. Emptiness

2011-12-13T13:03:00.002-06:00

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."
- C.S. Lewis

It's been awhile since I actually posted on my blog. I have been writing and journaling quite a bit but as I have approached a large amount of anger, it seemed appropriate to keep those posts to myself, for now. (and it's not because of what you might think of me, I could honestly care less. It's simply because this kind of anger needs to be private for now.)

I've been handed, sent and offered many things to read. And quite honestly...in my opinion, most of the garb out there on grief is (said in my best English dialect)...RUBBISH. At least for ME I have found it to be. The stages of grief seem to laughable for the most part right now. I seem to go through all of these said "stages" in the course of one to two hours during a day and then wake up the next day moving through it again. These books walk you through...what is normal. Well, maybe for that person that wrote the book, but for me and my journey right now, I'm not your normal. And if what these books list ARE indeed, "normal", well....why start now? I have never been that.

I think the toughest thing for me right now is the fact that I am not just in pain or suffering but have to keep on thinking about the fact that I am in pain/suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief. Do you follow?

And then there is fear. Fear of seeing people that may not know what has happened. Fear of stupid. (I could go on for this but I think you can know what I mean) Fear of decisions moving forward on trying again. Fear of going back to your workplace. Fear of encountering anything involving babies in public. It's all consuming at times. And fear mixed with grief then brings in words like postpartum and depression and anti-depressants......and then you have fear that you now have yet another label attached to you. It's not enough that you lost a baby prematurely, it's that now you have to say "I have postpartum"

And then finally I feel a tremendous amount of emptiness. I had a counselor ask me..."where are you right now?" And I replied with "Well, I still feel like I am in my wheelchair at the hospital doors, leaving. I am sitting with a box of created memories from 8 hours with Juliette. I am sitting there with my empty arms, yet it feels like I have a 40 pounds pressing down on them. I am sitting next to a woman in a wheelchair holding a beautiful baby boy. And I am sad. I am envious. I am afraid I will never be in her shoes. 2 woman, 2 different endings to their day of delivery. For me, that is where I am." My counselor was taken back by me responding in the physical sense rather than the emotional sense. But I know with the picture I gave her of where I was, she understood where I was emotionally. I was stuck in that place. In the hospital.

In the book Emma, by Charlotte Bronte she writes, "There is, I am convinced, no picture that conveys, in all its dreadfulness, a vision of sorrow, despairing, remediless supreme. If I could paint a picture, the canvas would show only a woman looking down at her empty arms."

This is where the last 4 weeks have taken me in this journey called grief that I don't believe has any "normal" journey. I have more to say, which will come next with a trip that Sammy and I were able to take this past weekend.

Closure?

2011-11-29T14:43:00.005-06:00

It's a strange word and in the last few weeks it's been thrown around. A lot. I looked it up to see what good ole' Webster has to say about it. Here it is: "an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality." Huh. Comforting? Nope. Satisfying sense of Finality? Hell no. Yep, that is not how I feel at all. And yes, I know it's all final and I can't change the outcome of this for us, but I hold onto those few hours we had with Juliette and I can't find this thing called CLOSURE.

Closure is the word I would often use when a stupid boy would break my heart and i wouldn't have a reason. I would sob..."if he would just tell me WHY, I would have closure." (am I right ladies? this is where you use the word closure)

Not here. No closure. Even getting to hold Juliette didn't provide closure for me, for us. It made me realize what that first hold means to a mother, it made me want that to last just a few more days and then I would say goodbye. How long could I get them to keep me in this hospital?

And then you go home. And then things happen that are supposed to be part of being a mother, yet there is no child there to see that through or experience that with. And you look at your husband and you can't explain how and why you feel so shitty. I mean he knows why, but you find yourself wanting to show him how strong you can be even though it is completely exhausting. And you want to just have a constant pity party for yourself. And you get visitors and you throw on the "I'm alright face" and then crumble the minute they leave the house. Then comes the follow up Dr. appt to see if you are "okay". And you finally tell someone the truth. You aren't and it hurts and you feel bad when you smile and laugh because you aren't supposed to do that right now, right?

Here is what I know right now. You don't get closure from this. I don't think that is possible. I know at some point this will fade and the pain on some days will be less. But you don't get closure or any satisfying sense of finality. Especially not when this pregnancy was a miracle in the first place. Why would God allow this to be taken away when it was such a gift for us? Why? And how would anyone expect any closure to come from that? I realized today I don't expect this thing called....closure.

Today.......

2011-11-23T15:20:00.003-06:00

One week ago today I was admitted into the hospital already knowing the outcome for our delivery. Her heart had stopped and you will have to say goodbye to something that you and your husband wanted so badly. One week later, as my body physically heals, the emotional pain seems to be more intense and I find myself staring at walls and waiting for the end of each day. I find a physical ache in my body that is hard to describe unless you have been through loss.

Today I don't want to be known as courageous, strong, brave or honest. Not for this anyway.
Today I don't want to give thanks in all things. How could I possibly?
Today I don't want to feel one more minute of the physical affects from labor.
Today I don't want one more person to tell me she is my angel. It doesn't make it better.
Today I don't want one more person to ask when we will try again.

Today what I want is to have her back. I want my hope to replace this intense fear.

I miss the joy of being pregnant and anticipating new life. I miss her.

To Sam, with love

2011-11-19T05:38:00.004-06:00

It's 530 am and I am awake sitting on the couch again. I figure for a while this will happen. I actually woke up around 430ish and began to cry and shout for Juliette. Sam quickly turned over from his sleep and just held me, letting me know it was ok, to let it out, he was there. I am seeing that the greater capacity there is for love, the greater capacity for pain. Many people have said to me...if I could take away your pain, I would. I actually don't want that because then you also take my love for sweet Juliette and the brief yet significant time we had with her. Time will heal this and I am trusting in God's timing for that, not my own.

In times like this I do think its important to find the blessing, and for me that is my Sam. I remember being in my early 30s wondering if Mr. Right would come along....EVER. And then I walked into a bike shop in Austin, TX and what began as a high five ended up being the absolute love of my life, Samuel Legge. On December 25, 2009 Sam asked me to be his wife and on April 10, 2010 we had our wedding day. Now don't get me wrong....life for the Legge's hasn't been this easy walk in the woods. We had our own days/weeks of seeing us fail one another as we continue to figure out being married, but I can honestly say we have never strayed from being a team through it all. Through a lot of laughter and many tears, we have made every decision together, with one another. From our wedding day we began to dream and plan what our family would be. He willingly adopted and accepted my sweet pug Eloise and then we started to talk about the possibility of children. Would I be able to have my own? Would we adopt? We looked at both options. In July of this year when we found out I was expecting, we were more than excited. When I made it to the 12 week mark when we felt we could let people know....we burst with excitement in sharing the news. And man did it warm my heart to see him share the news with others.

As I think about what we both have faced in the last month, I think about what our wedding invitation said. "There are 3 things that last, Faith, Hope and Love. And the greatest of these is Love." I Corinthians 13:13 If you could see how Sammy is walking us through this time right now clinging to this truth for us, you might understand a little more of why I love him so much.

Sam has been above the standard of "this is what men do" since I met him and we started dating. One of the best things about him is how he continually surprises me. After 5 months of dating, I had to go on a work trip to Philadelphia. I arrived at the hotel, walked into my room and a beautiful vase of flowers was waiting for me. Oh, did I mention it was his birthday? Yes, that's correct. Not MY birthday...his. He sent me flowers on his birthday letting me know he was so proud of the work I do and couldn't wait to celebrate when I got back. Yeah, I know ladies, send this link to your significant other. Some other things that he does consistently that make me know he cares. When I travel I ALWAYS come home to a cleaner house than when I left. I mean spotless, clean floors and bathrooms. New sheets on the bed because he knows I love coming home to this. He always washes the dishes after dinner. Always. He sends me to the couch to rest and he cleans everything up. He says he likes to see me relaxing and that he doesn't mind the cleaning. I was told by many a lady that would all change when we got married.....well, it has only gotten better. In fact, for our one year anniversary I had a vase of flowers that were the same flowers from my bridal bouquet with a note saying, I will never forget seeing you walk down the aisle. Never. With Sammy there have never been games with him. As quiet and introverted as he can be, trust me when Sammy has something to say, you should listen. He is quiet because he is a great listener and has learned the art of knowing when it is necessary to talk and voice your opinion. I know, as many of you may have already noted, this is not, nor has it ever been a strength of mine. He has pushed me to slow down and enjoy the moment and maybe just maybe....think before you speak. I love this about him.

In hearing the news about sweet Juliette, Sammy and I were given the option to terminate our pregnancy at least 3-4 times because our specialist had said, this will not end good for your baby, she is in danger. Sammy and I stood firm on choosing life as we always will. I was not going to be the person to stop the heartbeat. Did that make it harder? Yes. But we both talked that the right decision is rarely the easy one. We knew what the outcome could possibly be. It gave me more time to cope and to grieve and it gave time for Sammy and I to prepare and pray our hearts through what would happen for us. Our genetic counselor said to us that she was so encouraged to see a couple united in their decisions so firmly because this is usually the toughest battle for her. We gave our decision and we moved on to how we would deal with the outcome and how we would love and support one another with what would be our toughest obstacle yet. Although Wed and Thursday of labor and delivery were very tough on me physically, we got to say goodbye. We would never trade that for a decision that most would consider "easier."

And finally my Sam is someone that grieves and allows me to grieve. Over the last few weeks Sam has been handed many a pamphlet on men and grieving and what I should expect from him. It's one of the few things we have been able to laugh about as a couple. In fact, the pamphlet he got at the hospital he didn't even bring home with him. It started with.....MEN DON'T CRY. Now, I get it. They have to put those things together. But I watched my husband hold Juliette in his arms and not cry, sob over her. And the hospital wasn't the first time this happened. We held each other at home and at Dr.'s appointments crying out for Juliette. Sammy has proven just about every stereotype wrong for men and grieving. He is spending an entire week with me, not going back to work until after Thanksgiving as I don't want to be alone. (stereotype says men will return to work or spend time away from home to keep their mind off the loss). He is constantly talking through my feelings with me. (stereotype says that he won't want to talk about the feelings with you and will want to quickly move on) And most importantly, Sammy is allowing me to be ME right now. He knows my emotions are extreme, he knows I function in the black and white of reality, he knows that when I love it's complete and fierce. He married me for all those reasons. And when the load seems very tough to carry, he steps in with his mercy and carries me to the next place. Sammy points us back to our Faith and Hope that in time our story will have a different ending. Right now, it is hard for me to see that but Sammy hopes for both us and takes that burden away from me as I grieve Juliette not being inside of me any longer.

To my Sam. Meeting you in April of 2008 and walking the last 3.5 years with you has been nothing short of amazing. Walking through this tragedy with you makes me realize the gift that God placed in my life when I just trying to get my bike fixed for an upcoming race. You have accepted this fiercely independent, stubborn and strong willed girl with a large amount of patience, mercy and love. You have taught me how to dream and hope much larger than what I thought possible and I know that in 20 years you will still cause my heart to beat fast when you walk into a room. No matter what People magazine may say, to me you will always be the Sexiest Man Alive. I love you so much and I want others to know that men like you do exist.

Together we will see this through and we will hope again. Colleen

Dear Juliette Phoebe Ann

2011-11-18T06:07:00.004-06:00

Yes, that is your sweet name, Juliette. I always wanted a little girl named Juliette and we didn't tell ANYONE your name because I wanted to be the first to call you by that name when I got to meet you. Only it was a meeting that began broken hearted. I had you for 23 weeks and this pain in my heart is paralyzing. I can't imagine mother's that may get a few weeks, months or even years with their children and then lose them, and I am watching now and clinging to their strength because I don't seem to have it on my own. The last 2 days with you Juliette will forever be on my heart. A tough memory as I knew shortly after hello would be goodbye. It all happened so fast. Over the last 23 weeks, I was a Mom. People tell me I still am and I fight and struggle with that. And then comes my anger. I would trade anger for understanding. What I "want" for what is "real." All I know Juliette, is I wouldn't change any of our path even if the doctor's told me at 8 weeks in this could happen, I would allow life to work itself out and ask God for a miracle. That wasn't in this for us. You fought 3 weeks longer than what the Dr. anticipated, and to have that time to say goodbye as your heart slowed down was more precious to me that what most would understand. I am sad I never got to see your first smile, or hear your first cry. When I saw your fingers and how long they were at just 23 weeks, I was sad that I would never sit at a piano and teach you how to play your first scale or song. It was a deafening silence in our room when you delivered. But I am glad for the time you and I got together when Daddy went to go get food. I got my wish to sing to you for awhile and to tell you there were some pretty amazing people you would meet in heaven. Other children that were gone too soon that would meet you. And of course, Grandma and Grandpa Wilson. They will spoil you as only I wanted to.

Juliette, in just 23 weeks you changed my life. (our lives) You reminded me in a profound way how precious life is. You taught me that tears are ok at all times, because those tears drip with more love than you know. I have seen love to be like a fabric that never fades, no matter how often it is washed in the waters of adversity and grief. My memory of this week may eventually fade but my love will be here, ever strong for you. You taught me that love from a mother/father is so very real. If we could have done anything for your heart condition, we would have. When we saw your little body yesterday, it was so real to us that you had suffered and so although saying goodbye was very difficult, your body is perfect and whole now. No more pain. I can write that but have a long way to go until my selfishness sees that as "better".

The one thing I promised to you Juliette is that I would remember to be kind to myself during this process and that this healing is a journey. And for me, I feel a long journey because I wanted to be your Mom so badly.

We love you so very much. Thank you for the blanket and sweater that I have to remember you by when I held you on November 17th, 2011.

Writing and talking to you helps me right now. We love you so very much.

Mommy and Daddy

A day we will not easily forget....

2011-11-15T10:56:00.002-06:00

Today we had another appointment at 845 am to listen for heart tones. Our baby girl's heart has stopped, as the Dr. had anticipated would happen very soon. It has been 3 weeks since we got the first news around our girl being in danger. Tomorrow I will go into the hospital at 5 am, we will start medication to begin delivery. My Dr. says if all goes ok, all should be completed by early evening.

What we need.

Prayers. Love. Thoughts. Keep them coming.

More specifically around the delivery tomorrow. That there are no complications and I can not be left with any further physical pain. Pray for this very difficult goodbye. I was told today I would be able to hold her if i wanted that, and I do.

We love you all. Colleen & Sammy

This is how I feel

2011-11-14T17:28:00.004-06:00

"I am exhausted and completely crushed.
My groans come from an anguished heart.
You know what I long for, Lord;
you hear my every sigh."
Psalm 38:8-9

This expresses how I feel right now. I am exhausted because I can't sleep. I am crushed because there is nothing I can do to fix this. My tears come from a place that I have never thought possible. My heart is heavy because I don't want to say goodbye. Not yet. Still praying for a miracle for your heart Baby L.

We love you.

Emily Dickinson- grief

2011-11-13T12:21:00.002-06:00

Emily, you said it best in this poem.

I measure every Grief I meet
With narrow, probing, eyes –
I wonder if It weighs like Mine –
Or has an Easier size.

I wonder if They bore it long –
Or did it just begin –
I could not tell the Date of Mine –
It feels so old a pain –

I wonder if it hurts to live –
And if They have to try –
And whether – could They choose between –
It would not be – to die –

I note that Some – gone patient long –
At length, renew their smile –
An imitation of a Light
That has so little Oil –

I wonder if when Years have piled –
Some Thousands – on the Harm –
That hurt them early – such a lapse
Could give them any Balm –

Or would they go on aching still
Through Centuries of Nerve –
Enlightened to a larger Pain –
In Contrast with the Love –

The Grieved – are many – I am told –
There is the various Cause –
Death – is but one – and comes but once –
And only nails the eyes –

There's Grief of Want – and grief of Cold –
A sort they call "Despair" –
There's Banishment from native Eyes –
In sight of Native Air –

And though I may not guess the kind –
Correctly – yet to me
A piercing Comfort it affords
In passing Calvary –

To note the fashions – of the Cross –
And how they're mostly worn –
Still fascinated to presume
That Some – are like my own –

Dear Baby L

2011-11-13T12:10:00.004-06:00

It's 3 am and I am awake again. I woke up in tears wondering if you know how much we love you. I also want you to know how much your Daddy wanted a girl. Early in our pregnancy I asked him if we wanted a boy or a girl. He said, "I honestly don't care, I want healthy, but I think it would be fun to have 2 of you around. So a girl would be fun." Now in my head, I thought...are you kidding? 2 super strong willed, sensitive and emotional ladies under one roof? You think that would be "fun"?! You want another competitive soul around, someone that thinks movie musicals make the best Friday night dates? Really? Do you know what you are signing up for if this is a girl?! He reminded me those are all reasons why he loves me and would welcome that.

When we found out you are a girl, our hearts melted. You should know I got lucky when God put your Daddy in my life. He is pretty great. I didn't understand "a perfect match" until I met him, but he is that. He has cried for you like I have and he hates it that he can't protect and fix this right now. Your heart is slowing down and he can do nothing.

We love you Baby L, we love you.

Mommy & Daddy

Dear Baby L

2011-11-13T11:54:00.004-06:00

It's 2 am which seems to be a normal wake up time for me currently. My insomnia is off the charts and I struggle all the time with wanting to have conversations with our little girl inside of me. We found out the news at 19 weeks pregnant, she has made it to week 22, our Dr. was shocked the other day that her heart was still beating. I came home and had a small smile in my heart thinking, could she already know the woman that are before her and how she is already a fighter that would live up to blood in her. Writing has always been therapeutic for me. So when my tears wake me up, here is what I would tell her.

Dear Baby Girl L,

Your middle name would be after 2 woman that affected my life. You would have 2 middle names, Phoebe Ann. This was decided before Sam and I even knew we were expecting. As we discussed first names, the middle name was set. Phoebe is the name of your great-grandmother. She will greet you in heaven, please tell her I said hello and I that I miss her. She was barely 5 ft tall, but was a ball of fire and loved life. She didn't have over a middle school education but was one of the smartest women I know. Her laughter was infectious and I have such great memories of sitting next to her in church during summer visits and can still hear her voice sing out a hymn. She loved unconditionally and fearlessly. I wanted you to have a piece of her name. The other name Ann, is my Mom's, your grandmother's middle name. My mom also a fighter. Had a very difficult childhood and even in that never gave up on life and love. She gave me my love of music, and the arts. She is why I LOVE the Sound of Music and thought I was Maria. She also instilled a high level of competitiveness inside of me, and that transferred over into my love of sports. Both of these women also lived out an extreme life of Faith in front of me. This is the most important thing they gave me especially right now when I think of how this could turn out for your Dad and I. I have Faith that all things work for good little one. we love you.

Mom

Thursday, November 10

2011-11-13T11:51:00.003-06:00

Sammy and I went back to our perinatal specialist for another ultra sound and check up. The fluid sacs have gotten significantly larger and the heart is slowly beating. We were told at this point, it is just a matter of time for the heart to stop and then I will be moved to delivery. There is nothing we can do. There is extreme adema and swelling for our little girl, she is in danger, and it is not something they can reverse.

We will go back next Tuesday for them to listen for a heartbeat and then every 2-3 days after that until we can't hear it any more. I will not know or be in any physical pain when her heart stops.

Today is a sad day for Sammy and I. The pain I feel in my body is nothing I have ever experienced before because its an emotional pain, not a physical pain. To try and wrap my head around going through a delivery and not bringing our sweet girl home is truly unsettling right now.

Sammy takes on Manhatten

2011-11-13T11:49:00.002-06:00

I had a work trip to NYC. Sammy joined me for his first time to the city. It was a good distraction in the midst of pain. So glad we chose to continue on with this trip.

Wednesday, November 2

2011-11-13T11:46:00.002-06:00

Wednesday, November 2

I received a phone call around 430 pm that the results were in and they were not good. It was then explained to me on the phone that our baby has Turner’s Syndrome. Something that happens at conception and is nothing we could have prevented. 1 in 2500 babies manifests itself in this way, and all the cases are girls. Basically every cell in our girl’s body is missing one sex chromosome and diagnosed this early, have an extremely low chance of carrying to full term and this is mainly because she is experiencing extreme heart failure. They usually see the baby miscarry in the second trimester which for us goes all the way to mid December. For those that do carry to full term, there are many complications that come from that as well, but at this time we are not focusing on that.

We basically have 2 options or 1 really, depending on how you look at it.

1. Terminate the pregnancy now because of the knowledge we have. This is not an option and I can’t tell you how I feel so good that God gave me a mate with the same conviction. No discussion, we instantly bypassed this “option”
2. We wait it out. I am monitored more closely, every 1 to 2 weeks. When/If the baby’s heart stops, we will be schedule to induction and delivery.

Tuesday, October 25

2011-11-13T11:44:00.002-06:00

Sammy and I go for a routine check up which included our first anatomy scan of Baby Legge. (this is week 19 for us) My doctor walked into our room shortly after and let us know that they are seeing a few things that would cause for high concern and we needed to head over to a specialist right then. We then drove down the road to a perinatal specialist for another sonogram and a deeper look into what was going on. The Dr. informed us that our baby has 2 large lymphatic fluid filled sacs that are on both sides of the neck. (he showed them on the sonogram, they are so large that you cannot see a clear picture of the head, eyes, ears) He then also showed us a closer look at the heart and explained that the 4 chambers in the heart were not forming properly and not working correctly. Along with that, arms and legs were not growing as they needed to be. We then were moved into a room with a woman named Allison, a genetic counselor. She is amazing and I feel like God was looking out for us by placing us with her. She explained in simpler terms that our baby was in danger based on what they could see, and is showing signs of heart failure, but there were a few things it could be and they thought it would be good to do further testing.

We then chose to get a test of my Amnio fluid so they could better diagnosis what is happening. They made it clear it wasn’t to change anything that was currently happening, but for information down the road should we choose to try and conceive again. It would take 7-10 days to get that test back.

Now. We wait.

Just a quote....

2011-06-27T12:02:00.002-05:00

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So that every moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love."
-Jennifer Edwards

Love this. Now if only I could live it.

Closing from Northland last week

2011-03-19T13:55:00.002-05:00

When I travel (which happens to be a lot these days) I often will watch Northland's service online. This was my church when I lived in Orlando. Last weekend's service has been in my mind for the last week...the closing was so good.

One good man,--one man who does not put his religion on once a week with his Sunday coat, but wears it for his working dress, and lets the thought of God grow into him, and through and through him, till everything he says and does becomes religious, that man is worth a thousand sermons--he is a living Gospel... And men see his good works...and realize God's grace is no dream, but that the Holy Spirit is still among men...and they get a glimpse of God again in His saints and heroes, and glorify their Father who is in heaven. ... Charles Kingsley, Twenty-five Village

It has simply made me think a lot this past week about myself and where my faith is right now.

My precious girl Kat

2011-03-16T16:07:00.002-05:00

I am in LA and with a trip to LA means I get to spend time with my precious friend Kat. It's great. We aren't the best about keeping in touch via phone, as we aren't really phone people but when we plan trips to see eachother, it's awesome. We met at Disney. She was a dancer at Tarzan and me...a singer. And what is crazy is we actually became better friends once we left that world. Having kept in touch for the last ten years as life has taken us both through a few moves, her from NYC to LA and me from Orlando to Austin...I can easily say that we cherish the moments where we get to talk about our failures.

Wait? What? Our failures? yes, that is right...our failures. It's no doubt that Kat and I have had some good successes in life and trust me, we celebrate that with one another, but what I love is how we each accept the $hit. The last 3 days have been talking about how hard things are and how sometimes we just want to give up when it comes to life, relationships, work...etc, and there is this great thing about us that nothing is off the table. We don't judge what the struggle is. ever. We share, listen, sometimes cry and then point each other back to our faith and where we come from. We make it a point not to fix things for one another but simply to accept where each of us is on this crazy journey.

I am out in LA for work, but what is nice is that when work is done for the day, for one week I get to sit with my sweet friend and move through some pain.

I have much gratitude for this week. Love you Kat. (and Eric! **this is Kat's boyfriend and he will get mad if I don't mention him once in this post)

I get by with a little help....

2011-03-11T17:09:00.002-06:00

from my friends...those Beatles sure knew what they were talking about. By the way, I still have dreams of an all chick Beatles cover band...whose in? Ok, I digress. This week certainly had its high five moments, many of which came from totally unexpected places.

I had 2 friends get in touch with me that I had not spoken to in a long time. And both were able to just be there...I didn't need there advice and didn't need them to tell me "it's gonna be ok". I just needed them to hang with me...and they did. you know who you are and I am thankful for the reconnection this week.

I also had a really amazing week in both my yoga practice and CrossFit. I have been consistent with my yoga practice for 7 months now, getting in atleast 3 times per week. I love yoga. It centers me, it's great prayer and meditation time and also a wonderful workout. I joined CrossFit Austin a few months ago to see if I could really take my strength to a new level. I got the endurance side of the house but noticed I am weak in strength..well, this week I proved myself wrong in many cases having multiple PRs in the gym with how much weight I am able to lift and then a little work out called "Fight Gone Bad", (I know. I know. this sounds like it was meant for me)I won't go into the details of this workout, but I had a huge personal PR and I left class on adrenaline high, and it carried me through my Friday.

This weekend I will relax a bit and try to get some good reading in. Sounds like a perfect date for me and Mr. Kindle. Looks like Austin weather will cooperate and I can be outside for a good portion of it.

If you see me, I could still use a hug. One day at a time.

What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me.
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,
And I'll try not to sing out of key.
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm,I get high with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends.

is the sun ever gonna break?

2011-03-06T18:58:00.002-06:00

Ray LaMontagne said it best in his song, Are we really through?....

Is that sun ever gonna break
Break on through the clouds
Shine down in all its glory onto me?
Head upon the ground
‘Cause I can’t hear the sound
‘Cept my own sad story

Get so tired
Starin’ at the wall
Weight’s so heavy
And that mountain’s so tall

Is there no one who would catch me if I fall?
Is there no one who would catch me if I fall?

Because it’s more
More than I can take
Wish that I could fake it
Pretend like I don’t know what’s going on

Something’s wrong
Something’s wrong
Trying to hold on
Just a little longer

Here's the thing. Right now=not an easy time and because I assimilate everything with music, songs sometimes help me move through the pain. I heard this song today and simply love my iPod shuffle for throwing me this. Right now is more than I can take. For the last few months I have tried to fake it. I have put a smile on my face like I do and not stepped in the the light and said...OK, now I could use some help. But here I am blogging about it.

I've most certainly stepped away from what I know to be my deep rooted faith and belief that God can and will heal what is going on right now. Ok. There. i said it. whew. How many readers will i lose to that? I can't go into details of the source and why I am hurting so bad, it simply wouldn't be fair. But if you happen to run into me and you happen to see me fakin' in...kindly step towards me and just give me a hug. I probably need it, actually i do need it.

The great thing is in the midst of all this pain, I am back at the piano as I wanted to be.

Sorry to be such a downer but I have to break free from this shell of fear, and move on.

and now it's March 2

2011-03-01T20:22:00.002-06:00

I must make time. I must make time. To write a new damn blog. The thing is....it's not right now. I did go on a small road trip today...2.5 hours to listen to my own music...if you don't own these albums, you should.

1.Diane Birch- Bible Belt (seriously. it's good)
2.Adele- 21 (this one doesn't need a reason)
3.Arcade Fire- The Suburbs (yes, all you haters from the Grammys, they are rock your face off amazing)
4.Sugarland, The Incredible Machine (I just want to 2 step the whole time)
5.The Last Five Years- broadway show, Jason Robert Brown. (the melodies, the lyrics, I will never let go of this album and in my car I can sing as loud as I want to)

Someday I will get back to singing on a more regular basis. Truth be told, I miss it a lot these days and I don't make time for it like I used to. There were some days I would come home from work and sit at the piano for up to 2 hours singing and practicing...i can't tell you the last time I did that. So I made a goal. For those of you in Austin. A night of song from yours truly is coming your way in June...and trust me, this will be a glorious time!

My triumphant return

2011-02-02T09:44:00.002-06:00

I think its time to return. I mean...all 26 of those that may read this, miss me. Right? I have had a lot happen in the last year...married, travels, injury, work changes....I am going to update for sure...in a few days!

love this.

2009-12-27T13:32:00.001-06:00

If you haven't heard...I'm gettin' married. This seemed appropriate to post!

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Frustrated

2009-12-03T16:07:00.002-06:00

why do I let the small things get to me? why?

ok, that's all.

12 hours and 49 minutes make this Ironman

2009-11-27T15:31:00.002-06:00

ok, I am going to keep this as short as possible for you all but hopefully give you a good picture into what November 22 was for me. So, let's start at the very beginning.

Wake up at 3AM and get in my 1500 calories. Oatmeal, eggs, fruit, smoothie, pankcakes....anything to get the calories in to set me up for a great day and with my stomach on full. (but not too full)

I then got the drop off from Mz. Fuller at race site so I wouldn't have to walk far. Sammy went with me and we first dropped a few last minute things at my Transition bags, then time to go put air in the tires and pull all nutrition on the bike. This is where something small went wrong. I went to fill up the front tire and air wouldn't go in. As I reached down to make sure the pump was tight enough, my valve extender came off. As I had had very little experience with this, I went over to Sammy at the fence. He couldn't get it back on. (here you can insert tears, a bit of freaking out and then a rush over to the mechanics) I had a wonderful mechanic who took a valve extender off his bike (he wasn't racing) and then put in a new tube for peace of mind, filled up my tire and sent me on my way. I was still worried about that tire, but had to try and put it behind me.

After some deep breathing and some apologizing to Sammy for my freak out (as you can imagine...he felt horrible) I went to make one last stop at the bathroom, stuffed myself in my wetsuit and said my goodbye's to Sammy. I went to the water and waited until the last possible minute to get in the 63 degree water.

The SWIM. It was cold, treading water for 10 minutes in cold water was not fun. I didn't set myself up at the start the right way and so I got a bit off course. I had a rather large cramp in my left calf near the turnaround and had to hang onto a canoe for about 3 minutes. I still swam a 1:20....but I am capable of a 1:10. oh well, must continue the race and shake it off.

The BIKE. This was the best part of my day and I was secretly hoping it would be. When my stress fractures happened in late June and I was left to swimming and biking, I didn't miss a bike workout. No matter what I did not miss my long bikes on the weekends, and I didn't miss the smaller trainer rides that build strength. (I once had to do 2.5 hours on a bike in a hotel fitness center, but I did it) Biking was my weakness at CdA last year and I desperately wanted a better time. In AZ, it is a 3 loop course and so my plan was to be steady and to drink eat, drink. The course in AZ is deceiving in that it is a false flat on the way out and then a speedy entry back into town. Plus, you are guaranteed some wind at some point and we did have our fair share of that. I ate and drank everything on the plan and ended up with a 6:09 bike split. (18.2 mph avg) This is one hour off my bike time from CdA...yes, I said one hour. Apparently, the work I had put in showed up that day! (I did not know this during the race as I did not wear a watch)

The RUN. This part of the IM is what I was most worried about. I had been booted for stress fractures in July/August and was not able to start running any distance until late September when I raced 70.3 Augusta. I had to trust my base training from the winter as I had run 5 Half Marathons. I also had to start aqua jogging, which was not even close to fun. As I took off on the first loop of the run, I actually felt really good and avg'd 10 minute miles, the second loop I felt good as well and avg'd 10:30 miles. A little bit of a slow down but that was ok. Then near the end of the second loop I had an intense throbbing in my left foot, the foot I had injured. My foot was swelling as I had to have people untie and re-tie my shoes 3 times during the final loop. At this point, I knew I could do 8 miles and it felt easier to run than to walk. I pushed on keeping Des's spirit with me. I saw her right before my final 5 miles and that was all I needed....I could do this, I could finish. Crazy enough I ended up with an 11:37 mph average on the marathon...in CdA I did a 10:37 mph average, so with the injury I wasn't too far off!

As I approached mile 25 I was overwhelmed with the day and how it had gone. At this point I didn't know times as I had raced without a watch. I didn't know a PR was in my grasp, I just knew I couldn't run more than one more mile. So I turned the corner to the Finish and grabbed my niece's hand. As I crossed under and a volunteer took me...she said, Congrat's! You did it under 13 hours! I said...WHAT? and looked behind at the clock seeing 12:49. A 25 minute PR? Is that possible? Is that what I had done? Yes. I fought for it though. I fought hard that day.

It was a great day for Ironman #2....and crazy enough, I can't wait for Ironman #3! (but not until 2011 folks!) Whose IN?

**I will post pictures from this day very soon, I am just waiting for friends to pass them onto me.

So thankful. So blessed.

2009-11-25T11:14:00.006-06:00

The first of many posts friends and acquired followers. I am headed back on the plane and trying to write down my thoughts from Ironman AZ this past weekend. I didn’t think that the first IM could ever be topped, but this one certainly came darn close. It seemed appropriate in the week of Thanksgiving that this post would thank those that got me to November 22nd, 2009.

Much like the Oscars, if I didn’t mention him first, people would think we were in trouble. Sammy Legge. He played the amazing role of supportive and loving boyfriend + bike mechanic for the second year in a row. Last year we had only been dating about 6 weeks before CdA and so I thought he was just trying to impress me, but no, he was even better this time around.

There were many nights he got my bike ready for a long ride the very next day and many times I would come back from a work trip and he had cleaned, upgraded or simply tuned up my ride. I have to thank him as well for allowing me to attach onto his wheel for a few rides. I trained many miles on my own for this one and so it was nice for him to join me every now and again when his schedule allowed. Let’s remember folks, Sam is wicked fast on the bike, so riding with me is not even close to a workout for him.

It was also an amazing treat to have him with me in AZ! He cheered me on, kept me calm, dealt with my ever-changing mood swings, helped my sister and her family find me on the course, made sure I was getting rest leading up to race day and then helping me walk up and down stairs post race day. I think I will keep him! (I also think he is very happy that I am not signing up for an IM in 2010. And that is a promise. Notice I did not say NEVER….just not in 2010!)

To my Des- I know it wasn’t an easy decision to come and watch the race we had signed up to do together, but it was amazing to see you after my first loop on the bike and then when it all started to hurt. Thanks for cheering, slapping body glide where my tri top was chafing, and for tying my shoes because I wasn’t sure if I would be able to get back up! Most importantly, thanks for fighting for a second time. Many lives are better with you in it and I know that there were days where fighting seemed futile. Thanks for honesty with me in the midst of all that! Love you lady!

My sister Shannon and family- I can’t believe the timing of it all. I really didn’t think about it one year ago that you might be in AZ for Thanksgiving week and then it just worked out. I am so glad that you got to see a piece of what I love doing. Well more than a piece, 12 hours worth to be exact! What a special memory to run with my sweet niece, Phoebe, through the Finish Line! That will be with me for a very long time! I certainly wish we lived closer but the times I do get to see you are always worth it!

Mz. Fuller- you are the ultimate cheer leader and friend. Thanks for always offering rescue and support during long rides on the weekend. Thanks for always calling to see how my workouts were going. Thanks for your prayers, humor and concern. Thanks for stopping in to take Eloise out when I needed to get in a second workout and couldn’t make it to her. Thanks for traveling to AZ and being out there to scream and yell! The list could go on….you are such a self-less person and I am so blessed to have you.

Juanita (imagine me saying this as Espanol as I can get) I love it that you live your life with such adventure! Thank you for coming to AZ and joining in on the fun.

Steve Hed- thanks for the amazing HED wheels. It was great to race with such sparkle and flair! I did take an hour off my bike time from last year so I am guessing you know what you are doing. It was a gift I was not expecting and one that I deeply appreciate.

Chrissie (aka Coach Pain)- For the second year in a row you made me feel like a rockstar in the pool and in all aspects of training! You are a great encouragement and a good friend. I know good things are coming for you.

The guys at Jack & Adams- always there with a word of encouragement. For the help with Tri Bike Transport and the BEST races in the South!
Texas Iron- For the second year in a row, your schedule guided me through to a great Finish. I wish I could have come to more group trainings but the monthly schedule you provided me was PERFECT for someone that travels a lot. I highly suggest this group for some great training and schedules you can keep forever.

And finally I would like to thank those that I sponsor financially: Ironman North America (race entry fee), Zoot Wetsuits, Louie Garneau bike shorts, Asics shoes, Nike socks and various apparel, Hammer products..... Without mine and several other triathletes money, you would not eat, sleep or be able to clothe yourselves.

Don’t you worry friends, a more extensive race report with pictures to follow but for now. I am so thankful and hungry.

(for those that might not have seen last years report, you can go here to read. This will get you set up for this years report to follow)

so different second time around

2009-11-17T17:18:00.004-06:00

I am sitting at home and just finished packing for Ironman Arizona. Just a few last minute things to throw in my suitcase. Crazy but I can't stop thinking about this weekend and how different it all is. Don't get me wrong, I didn't expect to replicate the first Ironman experience as that 140.6 miles was about me and doing something for myself that I wanted to conquer. I also went and raced with a group of first-time friends. Having Noah and Ed last year in CdA was by all means....some serious hilarity! This time I carry my friend Des with me across the Finish Line, and not in a "sad, she needs my help" kind of way. I just take her with me.

I think about her contacting me last November to sign up with her for 2009. We would celebrate her 40th birthday and her 2 year cancerversary Then January, I got the call. The cancer has returned. I will be getting a stem cell transplant at some point along with more treatment. She didn't say it at that point, but I knew, No Ironman for Des this year. My first thought to be honest, was to totally bail on the race as well. But I couldn't. I wanted to finish what WE had started. You see, Desiree is this special friend and complete bad-ass all in the same sentence. When I met her a few years ago, we simply connected and the memories I have with her up to this point, remain intact. Bike rides, coffee, glasses of wine, walks, runs, camping, one early trip to Houston and one late drive back on the same day. We even share those moments of silence where we simply don't need to say anything because sometimes we all just need a friend that let's us be quiet about it all.

I think Desiree and I have had this unspoken rule that I won't bring up her cancer unless she does. I mean, the cancer is not truly who she is. She is a wife, mother of 3 amazing kids, creative thinker, has great taste in music, has taught me forgiveness and grace...and oh yeah a Boston Marathon Qualifier, Half Ironman Finisher....and now, 2x cancer survivor. Cancer has never changed the core of who she is, one of the kindest people I have ever met. Always looking out for others before herself and walks through life with total humility. (by the way, she will KILL me for publicly writing this) She doesn't know it but those early morning walks we had a handful of times during the last couple of months really meant so much to me. She thought it was getting in the way of my training, but actually it slowed me down. It caused me to live in the moment, and i need that pull back. I am turbo, to the max and those walks with Des were therapeutic and honest.

I guess maybe this post has gotten completely off track from what I intended, or maybe not. About one month ago, Des showed up at the LIVESTRONG Challenge in Austin to run the 5k. This would be the first time she had run any kind of distance post-treatment. As I waited at the Finish Line for her, I was hoping I had not missed her in the Survivor Shoot. And then I saw her. I saw her running towards me and will never forget that moment when she grabbed me at the Finish Line and well, we had a total girly, emotional moment full of tears. It was more than worth it. We both laugh how we have told so many about it, but honestly you really had to be there. And I guess you have had to be along for the journey. The picture below is from the Finish Line. I was so glad someone caught that moment.

I guess here is how it all wraps up into how this is different this time. November 22 is about finishing 140.6 for myself and Des. (she wouldn't let me do it for just her) And when it gets tough, I will channel that hug at the Finish Line, and know I can move through just about anything.

I carry my dear friend Des with me in total strength and Des, if you read all the way to the bottom.....when you are ready, I will be back to take on an Ironman WITH YOU. Your day will come, I completely believe that.

2380.

2009-11-10T21:00:00.002-06:00

So I woke up and got the email that my Bib # had been assigned for Ironman AZ on November 22. Yes, friends it's almost over and so the constant chatter and obsession is as well. Hang in there with me for a few more weeks. My Bib # is 2380...I instantly thought...well, Michael Jordan was a childhood hero, in fact, I found my first hat I ever owned in a box recently, and it was a Chicago Bulls cap...so 23 is MJ's number and then 80...well, who can resist a good 80s jam? not me!! In fact the 80s accompanied me through a few bike trainer sessions and so 2380 seems fitting to me.

All day my brain has been reeling over Sunday, November 22. I have had many folks ask me...are you ready? are you excited? how do you feel? what time do you think you will do it in? The questions are a bit much right now, because in the taper you have too much time to think. So here are those answers...Colleen style.

Are you ready? Well, I sure hope so friends. I mean, if I'm not, we will see on that day. I know my work travel has been insane, but I have stayed as true to my schedule as possible. There were many long runs done on tread mills and many long bikes done on cheezy hotel bikes in workout rooms...all for the love of this damn sport. i feel ready, but i also have fears that are different from my first Ironman last year. There is more pressure. Will I PR? Will I do my nutrition as perfectly as I did one year ago? Will my mental toughness take over again? Who the hell knows...I am going to approach that day with as little expectations as possible. I am racing this one for me and my friend Desiree who can't join me for this Ironman (I believe she will have her day at some point, but cancer returned for a second time and so she is fighting a much harder fight)

Are you excited? Um, honestly....no, not right now. I am trying to relax after some stressful work weekends and I am trying to get my bike and bike bag ready for Tri Bike Transport. I am not excited for 140.6 miles of pain...however, next week will be a different answer I hope.

How do you feel? I feel tired but I also feel strong. I had one of best long runs this past weekend and I desperately needed that. I ran 5 miles before the Run for the Water started. Then as I got to the 10 miler that goes through some hilly terrain, I thought...ok, 1 hour 30 minutes is what I would love to see. I clocked in at 1:29:57 folks! What was even better is as I checked my results..I ran a 9:14 first half and an 8:46 second half. My run this season has been different for me with my stress fracture injuries. Could it be though that I am peaking at just the right time? i will choose to say YES! I have not had very many long runs but I think I have had just enought that 26.2 will be there on November 22. Which is fine, that's when I need the leg strength to show up.

What time do you think you will do it in? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! you thought I was going to answer that one? nope. I won't. i know I can and will finish this race....or I will come close to die trying. I will race without my watch (again) and trust by body and how I feel during the day.

2380 folks. November 22, 2009. 140.6 miles. Bring it!

As we go, as as we go.....

2009-09-24T18:58:00.003-05:00

Well, time has passed yet again and rather than another apology I will tell you all what is coming up for the next few, five weeks or so. Tomorrow I head to go race this beast...

That's right a friendly little 1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike and then a 13.1 mile run...you know, a regular day at the office. huh? ok, not really, but this is just a training race for me leading up to Ironman Arizona in 2 stinkin' months. That's right, where has the time gone. This is a race to really get the nutrition right, hammer out those miles and have fun while doing it. I also am racing where my folks live, which will be fun. It's kinda like a hometown crowd, sort of. I didn't grow up there, but at least my folks can see why I love this crazy sport of Triathlon....they've never seen me participate....er, race...in one of these.

After that I will return to good old Austin, TX and get myself ready for Austin City Limits, where I will work in a 90 mile ride and long run plus going to see some really great music. This will be my first year without my partner in crime, Stephanie, as we partied it up at the last few ACLs. Alas, she is getting ready for wife-dom and planning a wedding next month, so she is not able to rock her face off with me this year. Hopefully, it can return another year. Sam will be joining me this year and so it will be fun to have a weekend with him.

Then some work trips come my way, Chicago, NYC, LIVESTRONG Challenge in Austin. All good things to wrap up a really incredible year at LIVESTRONG. I love this next month as it has two of my favorite marathons with the Team and our hometown Challenge event. It's not too late to sign up! www.livestrongchallenge.org

One of the best parts of the last few weeks is I was able to sing at Gateway Church. I have really missed singing in the busyness of the season, so it was great to re-connect with people at church and get some time using my gift of singing. I am back in a few weeks....and then will probably not be back until December. gotta find a way to sing more. maybe that's a goal for 2010.

I hope to maybe take some time on this blog to let you all know what I am learning about myself in the midst of some big and small changes.

as always....no promises on that happening.

Shasheen Kudasai!!!

2009-09-01T20:02:00.003-05:00

The translation above is Picture Please!! (a little of my Japanese for you) Here are some lovely pictures from the travels of the last few weeks.

me and my niece phoebe...shade shopping
I get out of car and my sister and I dressed exactly alike
trouble
me and Jan, the bride. great weekend

Hood to Coast- take 2!

2009-09-01T14:49:00.003-05:00

I got back last night from Portland and a really amazing weekend at the Hood to Coast event. This was the second time Team LIVESTRONG took on this 197 mile relay. To read more about the Team experience, you can go to the LIVESTRONG blog Mr. Tom Whiteside, a new LIVESTRONG employee wrote a wonderful blog on this great experience. I think the best way to do this event is to NOT know those who are going to be in your van. It's the second year we have done that and its worked out beautifully both years! I mean, do you really have 11 other friends you could spend 17+ hours with while running across Oregon and then add in sleep deprivation? In fact, we witnessed some teams that had some not so nice confrontations. not with Team LIVESTRONG, it's complete love and friendly competition.

Speaking of competition...the numbers don't lie, so rather than you searching on the site, I will just post for you all to see.

Livestrong1 27:29:14
Livestrong2 28:42:01
Livestrong3 29:43:59

yes, you guessed it. I was on LIVESTRONG 1. And we totally rocked it. Ok, the other 11 folks rocked it. I showed up with a stress fracture and muddled my way through 14 miles. But we still won with 11.5 runners.

Next up...Austin Triathlon this coming weekend.

Stay tuned for that....

2009-08-27T09:14:00.003-05:00

I am finally getting a few moments to myself in Peet's Coffee in Portland to sit down and catch you all up on life in Austin and all around the US. I wish I had downloaded some pictures from my camera to post here, but maybe next month as we all know I am just not consistent right now in this blogging world. I am going to be posting a job description later for a full time assistant. Basically you will follow me around and will write down my thoughts and random musings and then come back and hit the blog for me. I mean...all 6 of my followers miss me, horribly.

Here is the update on all things Wilson.

The injury. I won't lie, it's frustrating and I am listening to my Dr. I mean who invented stress fractures? How is it that this little tiny break causes such an annoyance in my foot. Plus, you know me...go big or go home right? I manage to get a stress fracture in the ONE place on the foot where there is minimal blood flow which means healing takes FOREVER. I stayed in le boot for the 5 weeks as the Dr. said, went back and he said try some small runs, no longer than 3 miles, and work in the elliptical machine. I did that. It hurts again. I am back at the Dr. next week for some more x-rays to see if this IM is even possible. I might go and swim, bike my little heart out and hop on one leg for 26.2 miles. Stay tuned for that.

Training despite the injury. I could most certainly swim 2.4 tomorrow. I could bike 112 no problem as my cycling miles are up. I have had a small lapse here in August with traveling but September will be a huge month for me as I am HOME IN AUSTIN FOR 26 CONSECUTIVE DAYS. (Sam won't know what to do) It's the run that I am scared about the most. Aqua jogging for 2 hours, 45 minutes has been the longest yet and THANK GOD for Barton Springs or I wouldn't have all those folks to people watch and soak up the senseless gossip. If I choose to race AZ, it will be an interesting day, which is sad because I want another amazing day like in Idaho, so I am not sure what to do. Stay tuned for that.

Travels I have had many. This year due to my job promotion I have gone to all 4 LIVESTRONG Challenges. It has been crazy busy and amazing. We just finished up the 3rd city in the Series, Philadephia. Before that weekend though I got to see my dear friend, Janette get married to Joe Obermueller. They were married in Gettysburg, PA and it was an amazing weekend of seeing some folks I really love from Orlando, (vernon and connie rainwater, todd and beki herrbach, john and debbie blahnik, stephen and leanna thomas....love those folks) and then catch up with some friends of Jan's in CA (shout out to my roomie, Dorothy) The wedding festivites kicked off with the J&J Big Day 5k, an unofficial/official 5k on the battlefields of Gettysburg. To date, my favorite 5k of all times. Jan's wedding was perfect and celebratory and her parents really put on a great festive party. Oh, and I realized I want a lake house. (Sam, see what you can work out) I will post pictures of that at some point. no promises. stay tuned for that.

After Gettysburg, it was FAMILY TIME!!! I headed down to Virginia and got in some snuggles with my sister's 3 kiddos. The time went by quickly, but I just love it when I get to head to VA and see them. I absolutely dig being an Aunt.

Before Philly I made a brief stop at the Satola household. This family rocks as they helped with the cost of my trip by allowing me to use an extra car they had for the week AND I crashed at their house the night before I headed to Philly for the Challenge. THANK AGAIN Satola's....you rock. Brian works for the Ulman Cancer Fund in Baltimore, MD. They are doing a Half IM next year called Half Full Tri. Stay tuned for that.

Philly Challenge was such a great weekend. 6500 participants, raising $3.4 million dollars. If you don't know Team Fatty, please go here. Getting to meet Elden Nelson, seeing him talk about the recent passing of his wife but also witnessing the way this man has engaged THOUSANDS of people with one voice and one blog is pretty darn amazing. He said it best when he spoke at our dinner on Saturday night...."do what you love and then make a difference with that." I can't wait to see him again in Austin for the Challenge as Team Fatty goes after raising $1 million dollars over 4 LIVESTRONG Challenges this year. The other plus was I got to meet Ethan Zohn of Survivor Africa (the winner of the Million in fact) as he was our Keynote Speaker at the dinner. I don't know if you know this. I love Survivor and I really liked Ethan when he was on Survivor.

Now, I am in Portland for Hood to Coast....197 miles...the mother of all relays. Don't ask me if I am running until AFTER this weekend. I am not going to answer that now...stay tuned for that. Team LIVESTRONG has 3 teams and we have raised $50k with this event. It's our second year back and we are going to ROCK THIS.

As much as I am bed sick and ready to be back in my own digs for some time....I truly cannot complain. I am living a great life. I get to go all over, meet amazing people in the fight on cancer and watch the grassroots movement of LIVESTRONG grow. In three words....my job rocks.

I am blessed and hope I don't lose sight of that when things get difficult or when it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I promise I will post pictures at some point in the next year.....stay tuned for that.

Philadelphia

2009-08-21T07:21:00.003-05:00

So the last time I blogged I was in San Jose for the Challenge...now I am in Philadelphia and it is the middle of August. Where does the time go? How come I can't seem to sit down for 30 minutes every now and again to write on this thing? I have had so many good adventures since last time I wrote....I hope to update all of this in the next week...you know in between Philadelphia and Portland and....oh wait, time to go to the LIVESTRONG Village....hopefully I will be back this afternoon???

Do you know the way.....to San Jose?

2009-07-13T12:09:00.001-05:00

Ok so in RENT it's Santa Fe....but I was in San Jose for the weekend with LIVESTRONG Challenge. It was a good time....I blogged for livestrong today. Check it out!!

LIVESTRONG BLOG

Swim, Bike & Aquajog?

2009-07-08T14:02:00.004-05:00

Yes, that is singular shoe. I got a new boot today and it isn't a new pair of Cowboy boots....

I had been having some pain in my feet during running so I finally went and got the x-ray today. I have a small stress fracture on my left foot on the outside. One of the toughest places to get a stress fracture becaue blood circulation is low there....so I am booted up for 3 weeks which means no running or only aqua jogging.

I am not sure I will be quite this svelt in the water...and I may begin to drink heavily because of it....but I will listen because I really want to do this Ironman in November. I can swim, I can bike and I can aquajog. Stay tuned for what I believe will be some really good posts.

oh how I wish TX were a little closer....

2009-07-06T13:29:00.003-05:00

My sister has been sending some great summer kids pictures of my niece and nephews....here are some of the latest. I don't usually post pictures up of her kids, but they are too darn cute and I needed to share. My nephew, Zeke, made the all-star team and so these are of the fun games the family got to attend. What out Major Leagues!! I am glad I will get a week with them in August, as I am the bad aunt and don't get to visit much. Enjoy!!!

Fartlek Tuesday

2009-06-30T20:48:00.003-05:00

You know kinda like Fat Tuesday....but not really. Funny that only in Ironman training would you run a Half marathon as a training run on Saturday and be back at it by Tuesday. I recently read someone's race report from their IM and they wrote, "Over the course of the next two years, I set small goals (like running a marathon) to ensure I learned how to run long distances." Small goals like a marathon? Us IM folks are not right. I listened to folks on Saturday morning before the half marathon who had this half as their A race, and I thought...that is so cute!! (and I had a small amount of jealousy)

You might be asking..what is a Fartlek? I imagine saying something to my niece and nephew's while visiting...I am going to run some Fartlek's and they go...ewwwwwwwwww!! For those that want some learning on this fine Tuesday night, let's look at our good friend Wikipedia. Fartlek, which means "speed play" in Swedish, is a form of conditioning which puts stress mainly on the aerobic energy system due to the continuous nature of the exercise. The difference between this type of training and continuous training is that the intensity or speed of the exercise varies, meaning that aerobic and anaerobic systems can be put under stress. Most fartlek sessions last a minimum of 45 minutes and can vary from aerobic walking to anaerobic sprinting. Fartlek training is generally associated with running, but can include almost any kind of exercise.

Oh how I wish my workout was aerobic walking....

I did my 15 minute warm up, feeling a bit tight in the legs and then proceeded on to the meat of the workout:

6 min, 4 min, 2 min, 5 min, 3 min, 1 min. All of these are done full out, sprinting, trying to keep the same pace up for each one...but ALL OUT. If you left your heart and lungs at the workout, you have done it correctly. The rest was 2 minutes in between each hard set. Trust me, 2 minutes goes by rather quickly.

After that I did an easy 15 minute cool down of running and a bit of walking to bring the heart rate down.

Crazy enough, I felt good and that was even after a 3400m swim in the AM!! I kept a really consistent pace and my final 1 minute was a tad stronger and faster than the first set. Yes, it was hot outside, but I really tried to block that out.

Ironman training, month #2 is starting out pretty awesome! I am looking forward to this weekend as I have Friday off so I am going to ride for a couple of hours that day, Sam and I are going to ride on July 4th for about 5 hours and then I have a small brick to do on Sunday!! It's gonna rock...and I don't care if it's hot, this month is about the bike with the Tour de France, 442 miles at RAGBRAI and LIVESTRONG Challenge San Jose!

Racing Against Cancer

2009-06-30T13:51:00.000-05:00

new Nike Lance commercial. it rocks.

Racing Against Cancer -- powered by http://www.livestrong.com

9 Days in Seattle

2009-06-28T11:45:00.002-05:00

I left last Friday, June 19th and I am now sitting in San Jose waiting to board my final plane back to Austin. Seattle was a great place to visit and I got to see some really wonderful friends and their new babies, but I am very glad to return to Austin. (Even if it is 106 degrees!!)

My first weekend consisted of my first travel trip for LIVESTRONG Challenge. It went really well as this was our first time in Seattle, having 2600 participants in either a 5k or a bike ride, raising $1 million dollars (and still going up!!).

Then Monday hit, and I slept a bit and met up with some good friends from my days in O-town. Azurae Phelps and Arleigh Willis and the Phelp's new little girl, Juniper! It was really good seeing them and laughing...and of course getting the best recommendations for food in the city. Arleigh even helped me out as she does the no dairy and raw foods thing and so she guided me in the right direction (and not once did she steer me wrong!!)

On Wednesday I boarded the 1 hour ferry to Bremerton, where I got to visit my dear friend Hope and her family. They recently had their second boy, Zephan. The last big adventure that Hope and I had was pre-kids and family when I visited her in Indonesia and she toured me around Bali. I love that girl and we don't get to see each other often, but it makes me feel good that she allowed me a few nights on comfort in their own while dealing with a newborn! Much love Hope, can't wait for my next visit.

Thursday began the second part of my work for the week...as 42 runners came to Seattle to run the Rock n Roll marathon (inaugural). This team has raised about 40k in the fight on cancer and it was such a joy to meet them face to face and continue to hear their stories! I seriously can't believe this is my job sometimes! I travel to great cities, engage and connect with wonderful volunteers of LIVESTRONG and as I did in this event...get the chance to participate and run a little 13.1 mile race!

Race day was Saturday, June 27 and as I headed to the start line to meet some team members, the weather couldn't be more perfect. I have to say, racing in the Northwest is pretty much perfection in the summer! It was about 60 degrees out and the sun was going to be out, perfect for a girl whose last long runs were in 95+ weather and I was sweating by the time I put my first foot out of the door!

As always, I had a plan with this race. To be smart, it wasn't an A race by any means, it was a training run. uh huh, tell that to this type A personality who secretly thought I could posssibly PR. With two days on my feet at the Expo and not much rest time during the week as I did my normal IM workouts that I could.....my feet did not show up. I first 4 miles were glorious and the last 9 were so painful that I contemplated jumping off the final overpass we had to run on to the finish. I know, dramatic, but what can I say? that's me. I tried talking my legs to coming back for a decent pace, but there was no PR in site even at the half way mark. I was pretty upset with myself and then I remembered one of my quotes sitting on my desk..."I have failed over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed." I gotta brush that one off and be proud that I stayed on track with IM training while in a city when that wasn't easy...I even got 2 swims in this week!! One month down on my way to Ironman AZ...

so happy to return to Austin to my own bed, my sweet dog, Sam and friends!!!

week #3....IM training and thinking back

2009-06-18T20:31:00.004-05:00

Well, this week's workouts were all tough, especially in this lingering 100+ degree heat. here is what has happened since Sunday...

Monday- FULL DAY OFF!!! and yes, I fully enjoyed this
Tuesday- 3400 m swim in the AM, Splash n Dash in the PM...had a swim PR of almost 1 minute which is what I wanted since last month I did not show up for the swim as normal.
Wednesday- Crossfit, 545 AM, 6x 1 mile repeats at a Half Marathon pace in the PM. (what I celebrated was my last mile was 10 seconds faster than the first!!)
Thursday- 3400 m swim in the AM brick workout in the PM, I did a 5 minute warm up. 20 minutes on the trainer, 1 mile run, 15 minutes on the trainer, 3/4 mile run, 10 minutes on the trainer, 1/2 mile run. (this workout felt good and I felt strong...but super tired at the end.

I have tomorrow off as I travel to Seattle for LIVESTRONG Challenge. I don't plan on getting in a workout but hope to get in a run Saturday morning as I know Sunday will be a wash for workouts since that is event day.

I am not worried as it's still early in IM training and I made my workouts really count this past week. Next weekend I will run the 1/2 marathon at the Seattle Rock n Roll with 42 other folks on Team LIVESTRONG. The goal is NOT to PR this half but to run a solid even pace the entire time and have a good training run. This is not my A race by any means.

This weekend is pretty key for me as I keep going back to my Ironman weekend one year ago. It is crazy to think I was meeting up with my girls from Florida as they celebrated me crossing the line hearing those words...."YOU ARE AN IRONMAN!!!" If you didn't see the post from last year....read it HERE. and I have to post this picture again....as it is my favorite. The girls that would walk through fire for me and traveled to celebrate a dream conquered! Look for some updates from Seattle....

Colleen on a hot tin roof....104 degrees to be exact.

2009-06-14T14:38:00.003-05:00

So week #2 of official IM training consisted of some rather high temperatures with workouts. I even found getting up early did not suffice at times....is this what I have to look forward to? Here was the run down with temperatures when applicable:

Monday- 545 AM Crossfit
Tuesday- 545 AM swim and 40 mile bike ride
Wednesday- 545 AM Crossfit and a 45 minute Fartlek Run (104 degrees!!!! what the....)
Thursday- 545 AM swim and Texas Iron mini-tri (see below) 99 degrees!!!
Friday- 545 AM Crossfit
Saturday- 80 mile bike ride, 101 degrees at the hottest point...and I started at 615 AM and finished at 11 AM...yes 101 degrees.
Sunday- 1 hr easy run in the AM, 30 min easy swim and 30 min run in the afternoon...100 degrees.

This kind of heat is not supposed to be upon us until August...I don't know if you have ever been around the sweat glands of Colleen Wilson (thanks Dad) but they are not pretty. When I finished my short workouts I looked like I had been in the pool. It's going to be a long, hot, summer.....

This week I am off to Seattle for work which means cooler, MUCH cooler temps! LIVESTRONG Challenge and Rock n Roll Half Marathon...I will be running the Half...a nice, easy 9 min mile pace...not going for a PR, just trying to survive it all.

I have to get creative with workouts the 10 days I am traveling in terms of bike workouts. I found a local YMCA that I am going to have a week pass to, that should help. Not stressed though, I just put in two good and hard weeks and so I can really recover during my time away...

I will be back on the bike July 4th....with a 90 mile ride!!

Mansfield Dam- most favorite mini-tri!!

2009-06-12T10:50:00.005-05:00

So last night is a workout I won't ever try to miss with Texas Iron on Thursday nigts. What I love about the Thursday night workouts is they switch every week keeping it fresh for those of us with a long training season ahead of them. I ventured out to Mansfield Dam around 530, this time with camera as last year I was upset it wasn't documented. We bring everything for this workout since we swim, bike and run. Some of you that know Austin are like...how do you do the bike portion? Where do you run? Well...we go to Mansfield Park and we set up a bike trainer for the bike portion. Hop out the water, onto our bike trainer, Jamie Cleveland then tells us when we are done on the bike and head up onto a 1.5 mile run along this sidewalk...going as hard as you possibly can. It's my favorite. We go through the circuit twice. The scenery is amazing and it always kicks my ass...in a good way of course!

Here are some pictures so you can see what I mean....

Jamie waiting for us to come out of the water

group shot on the trainers...can't beat the scenery!!

me working super hard

another group shot, and a beautiful sky!!

VIVA CATIE II

2009-06-10T15:33:00.002-05:00

I blogged on the LIVESTRONG blog today....check it out.

Meghan's Story

2009-06-09T16:52:00.002-05:00

This is Meghan B. I really wish all of you could meet her because she is worth sharing with others. Her friendship is a truly beautiful thing and I love it when her and I get a moment to sit and chat, which isn't enough...but this will give you a glimpse of how real this lady is. Her candid talk on cancer and faith and suffering is worth the watch completely...completely.

Meghan's Story with "This Road" from Northland Media Design on Vimeo.

Survivor

2009-06-07T12:52:00.006-05:00

National Cancer Survivor's day.....you all bless my life richly. here's a song and a tribute...keep on, keepin' on!!

Thomas (my brother) and myself.
Now that you are out of my life,
I'm so much better,
You thought that I'd be weak without ya,
But I'm stronger,
You thought that I'd be broke without ya,
But I'm richer,
You thought that I'd be sad without ya,
I laugh harder,
You thought I wouldn't grow without ya,
Now I'm wiser,
You thought that I'd be helpless without ya,
But I'm smarter,
You thought that I'd be stressed without ya,
But I'm chillin'

meghan brennan

I'm a survivor,
I'm not gonna give up,
I'm not gon' stop,
I'm gonna work harder,
I'm a survivor,
I'm gonna make it,
I will survive,
Keep on survivin',
I'm a survivor,
I'm not gonna give up,
I'm not gon' stop,
I'm gonna work harder,
I'm a survivor,
I'm gonna make it,
I will survive,
Keep on survivin.

robin grasso, (in the front)!!

Thought I couldn't breathe without you,
I'm inhalin'
You thought I couldn't see without you,
Perfect vision,
You thought I couldn't last without ya,
But I'm lastin'
You thought that I would die without ya,
But I'm livin'
Thought that I would fail without ya,
But I'm on top,
Though it would be over by now,
But it won't stop,
You thought that I would self-destruct,
But I'm still here,
Even in my years to come,
I'm still gon' be here.

meg brown

I'm a survivor,
I'm not gonna give up,
I'm not gon' stop,
I'm gonna work harder

week one....are you kidding???

2009-06-07T11:31:00.002-05:00

I guess I forgot. I forgot how early the mornings are and i forgot how tiring it can all be. Last year I used Ironman training as an escape from my job (it was pre-LAF) because I was really unhappy in my work environment. Its not the same, work is really feeding my soul and keeping me really busy so to fit in the trainings is tough. Here is a rundown of the workouts week #1.

Monday- Crossfit, wake up 5 AM, one hour strength training
Tuesday- Swimming, wake up 5 AM, 3200 m and in the evening a 75 minute ride working intervals.
Wednesday- Crossfit, wake up 5 AM, one hour strength training + a 5k run at the end.
Thursday- Swimming, wake up 5 AM, 3000m and Time Trial on the Bike in the PM.
Friday- Crossfit, wake up 5 AM, one hour strength training. At 1030, a one hour tempo run.
Saturday- 4 hr bike ride to San Marcos, 30 minute run. (5 AM wake up, 6 AM start)
Sunday- 1.5 hr run, 30 min. recovery swim....

Right now I am sitting on my couch, feet up and planning week #2. Only like 23 more weeks of training for IM Arizona to go.

Gulp.

Carbon Crazy!!!

2009-06-04T11:03:00.005-05:00

Ok...so I recently got myself a new road bike. It's last years model, Felt FC, my first ALL CARBON Bike. (I don't have a picture to share here BUT trust me...Sam did this one right. I got SRAM components and its light as a feather) I am now considering an all carbon Tri bike. Don't get me wrong..My Felt S22 I have right now is sweet and has been very good to me. It's partial carbon and has Durace on it. I have coasted through 6 Half Ironman's and 1 Full Ironman with her..picture below.

But the ALL carbon ride is too sweet for words at this point. Too sweet. Now here is what I have my eye on...

If this happens to show up before my Ironman in November...don't be too surprised, because I am in love with this new Tri ride. I have a serious problem.

Two Months...Missing

2009-06-03T19:00:00.003-05:00

Where in the heck did two months go? I mean, its not like I was

...traveling
or sick
or working
or broken-hearted
or sad for family struggling with health
or dealing with my own personal health scare
or watching my friend battle for a second time
or placing 3rd in my age group in a tri (20th overall)
or training for the Seattle Rock n Roll Half Marathon
or training for RAGBRAI, 442 mile bike ride in July
or hiring Tom Whiteside at the LAF
or trying to figure out how to train for my second Ironman with a heck of a lot of travel this summer and fall.
or seeing my best friend lose her dog of 14 years
or started going to Crossfit Classes 3 days a week (you should see my triceps)
or ending my life as a full time bike commuter and buying a car
or getting a sweet new road bike (full carbon and SRAM)
or celebrating a few friends 30th birthdays (old bitches)
or going to a rockin' Indigo Girls show

oh wait...that is EXACTLY what I was doing the last 2 months. Actually it hasn't been all that bad, but I have been out of sorts and very disconnected to my good friend, mr. blog. And I know at least one person has missed me (Brian).

So i will attempt to be back. The crazy thing is I am learning so much, actually too much these days I don't know where to begin. I have written a lot in my journal the last few months but you don't post those things on a BLOG??? you keep all those things private until you die so your genius can make someone else very rich, right?

too much in brain means nothing seems to come out....so I will try to pull the creative noodles from my brain and be back to inspire you all. All 3 of you that follow me that is.

i feel mostly like I need to escape. in a quiet, serene vacation somewhere. I believe art happens when people escape and maybe I am needing to connect to that part of self. i need to sit with my dusty....ok, VERY dusty guitar and just play. I have always thought work hard. play harder....however right now, it is quite the reverse. I am working harder than ever and just playing when I come up for air.

This week started Ironman training...with the schedule in hand and I am already making adjustments 3 days in. good times. Let's hope the flat-er course in AZ will still warrant a decent PR for me on November 22. I can't believe one year ago I was in top shape 3 weeks away from my first Ironman. Doesn't seem right.

Ok....must go watch some So You Think You Can Dance....don't judge.

an Understanding Heart

2009-04-02T22:56:00.005-05:00

I had my very best friend lose her dog/best friend/companion almost one week ago in an accident. In that Andrea posed the question...will we as humans ever be able to love unconditionally as dogs do. I don't know the answer to that as this week has been a tough week. And there is so much to catch you all up on in regards to life, work, play, training....as I am sitting here in my apartment packing for a last minute trip to the East Coast I opened to write in my journal. Out of it fell a card with a prayer my Grandmother had written over 14 years ago as she passed while I was in college. There is still not a day that passes me by where I don't wish for her to be with me again. The prayer reads,

"Dear God please give me...a few friends who understand me and yet remain my friends. A work to do which has real value, without which the world would feel poorer. An understanding heart. A sense of humor. Time for quiet, silent meditation. a feeling of the presence of God and the patience to wait for the coming of these things with wisdom to know when they come."

I feel like she is here with me in this moment knowing I would need to read that.....please God give me an understanding heart...please. In so many facets of life I desperately need this. and if you could send a little patience..that would be great too.

Dear Blog.....

2009-03-25T18:33:00.001-05:00

I am sorry that I have neglected you. I miss you.

Love Colleen

Ironman....take 2

2009-02-28T11:26:00.002-06:00

I have started the plan of the Ironman. (and no I did not try to rhyme that) Arizona will be here before I know it (november 22) so right now I am in the base building phase...I was able to get in close to 10,000 meters in the pool again this week and will swim tomorrow which will push me at 12,000 meters. My 100 is getting close to 1:45 which is pretty darn exciting since a year ago to hold a 2:20 was challenging! It is a lot of fun to see the seconds roll down in swimming.

With the new offices at the LAF, it has been a much more enjoyable commute as nice showers do make all the difference! And with it staying lighter out in the evening, twice this past week I was able to get in a 30 mile ride after work. And yes, the love for my bike is coming back! (plus, I am getting a fun new road bike...thanks sam!! and so new bike=new reason to ride) Running has not been comfortable lately as I am having some challenges with that, so as I have learned, rest is the only good thing for that. So no half marathons on the horizon for March and no Boston Marathon...I deferred to next year.

Spring in TX means lot's of fun charity rides in Austin...next week the KAB and I will do Pedal Thru the Pines, a 65 miler that is one of my favorites. The following weekend is a ride up North, 80 miler. April will be an Olympic Triathlon, the Lonestar. Then i have some work travel so training will have to be creative to keep that strong base. May will be Shiner Gasp 100 miler and Armadillo 100 miler! (back to back weekends which is perfect for RAGBRAI training) Finish out May with Memphis in May Triathlon and Cap Tex Tri where I will do a relay with the KAB.

All in all....a busy busy spring!! But I am starting to get really excited about what could happen with this Ironman!!

I have also decided to raise money while doing this Ironman, I am still trying to decide who that will be for...so stay tuned for that!

Colieen

2009-02-28T10:19:00.001-06:00

nothing major to share here except the Starbuck's Barista has come up with yet another rendition of my name...COLLEEN. Don't know where they got the "i". I think it's one of my favorite things about going to Starbucks is seeing how the hippy chicks will spell my name.

he DIDN'T Run a Marathon...

2009-02-27T08:56:00.002-06:00

ok...so yes, I watch the BIGGEST LOSER and I love seeing the transformation however in the last few seasons it has not been so honest AND what is up with all the product endorsement? I mean, could we stage products into the show that way? Let's look at this weeks show....After being eliminated at the end of Wednesday’s episode, Dane appeared in the where-are-they-now segment, and talked about running a marathon, which he says “was one of the most amazing experiences of my life to run side by side with my wife for an entire marathon.”

But he didn’t actually run the entire 26.2 miles. an actual marathon runner’s blog post that says Dane “and his wife were several miles behind me throughout the entire race, but around mile 17 they got picked up by a van and driven to the end of the course, where they filmed the grand ‘crossing the finish line’ finale with all the family cheering. I’m hoping that they televise it as a half marathon, since I know he ran at least that far, which is truly a great accomplishment.” Insert Colleen's comments, " Yes, it is a great accomplishment BUT Dane said he did the ENTIRE MARATHON himself...and he didn't!!!"

Dane’s wife Carli actually commented on that blog post and admitted they didn’t run the whole way; she wrote, “unfortunatly [sic] this marathon has been a little exaggerated. In this industry you are always on a time frame and sometimes it is out of your control. We had stopped along the way to film at a water station and to make up for lost time our producers drove us ONLY 3 miles up the road. I am sorry if this has offended you in any way, but we are still incredibly happy about the 23 miles we ran. (Colleen: which is not a marathon) We were not listed as completing the marathon. Dane is an honest LDS Dad and I hope that they do say he completed this marathon because had time allowed he would have!” (Colleen: had time allowed? it didn't...so we won't say that he ran the marathon...cause he didn't)

Not having enough time to complete it is utter bullshit, because three miles is, assuming a slow pace, 45 minutes, maybe an hour. As Dane and his wife cross the finish line in the clip, the clock says 3:53. (it took me 4:04 to do my first marathon), but it’s not like race organizers shut down the race at 4:45 or even five hours. The blogger quoted above says she finished the race at 6:14:59, meaning Dane would have had 2.5 more hours to run those alleged three miles.

If we are going to do a REALITY show...let's state the reality of the situation. Has Dane made huge strides in weight loss and a better life..yes! And for this he should be spotlighted...but don't portray him as running a 3:53 marathon when so many of us work our butts off to do that ourselves? Don't up the Hero anty with him? ugh....I might not be able to watch the show now...

On other Reality news...which is good...I am going to keep throwing out that I want on the Amazing Race reality show. My very good friend Kenny and I are going to apply. Now I see this....Amazing Race host Phil Keoghan will leave his mat behind as he bikes across the United States starting March 28 in L.A. and concluding May 9 in New York.

“I fly over 400,000 miles a year and I figured it was time to stretch my legs. I love to ride so I thought I’d see what this great country looks like up close instead of taking a bird’s eye view at 30,000 feet. In this economic climate, bike riding makes a lot of sense — it’s good for your waistline and easy on your wallet,” Phil said in the announcement.

How can I connect with him during this ride? Just casually show up....ride a few miles with him and get on that damn RACE!!!

Any ideas friends!!!???

Word.

2009-02-26T09:50:00.001-06:00

Lance Armstrong Foundation Responds to President Barack Obama's Address to the Joint Session of Congress
AUSTIN, Texas – February 25, 2009 – Today, the Lance Armstrong Foundation (LAF) released the following statement from LAF President and CEO Doug Ulman, a three time cancer survivor, regarding President Barack Obama's address to last night's joint session of Congress:

"Last night, President Obama committed to renewing the war on cancer, marking a major milestone in America's epic battle with this disease. Like most Americans, he has experienced the burden of cancer himself and he has listened to America's call for action."

"We applaud his commitment to make cancer a national priority and are encouraged by his focus on research, preventative care and healthcare system reform. In recent years, cancer funding has remained static or declined, so we are hopeful that Congress and the new administration will work to reverse this trend."

"As we embark on the LIVESTRONG Global Cancer Campaign on behalf of the 28 million cancer survivors worldwide, we are pleased to see America making progress against this disease. The LAF stands ready to work with the new administration and Congress to turn this commitment into real policy change that improves the lives of people affected by cancer."

I like....

2009-02-24T09:26:00.002-06:00

A friend sent me this quote today and I like it...

"Knowing great things about God will help make us ready not to collapse under cataclysmic conflict and personal catastrophe." John Piper

All I can hang on to is that God is in control, I am not, and that's good.

Brand NEW Offices for the Lance Armstrong Foundation!!!

2009-02-23T18:48:00.004-06:00

Today, Monday, February 23rd, was our official first day in the Lance Armstrong Foundation Headquarters! We had a group meeting at 10 and a neighborhood eatery stopped by with pastries, coffee, smoothies, breakfast tacos...a feast if I might say for the staff to welcome us to the neighborhood! I will post more pictures later this week but the one above is in front and it's the staff with Lance just fresh off the Tour of Cali.

This week we will all be busy moving into our new spaces, but it is great to be HOME!! My bike commute is only 1 mile longer than the old office...so I only bike 4.5 miles to and from work on really safe biker friendly roads! And when it rains, the bus system takes me right there! So I will continue to ride my bike and live the commuter life until I can't take it anymore....with the new office and the showers provided, I am sure i can stick this out longer!

ok...that's all with the building, below is a brief life update!

(On a side note...I had a great 3 day weekend with biking 60 on Friday, swimming and running on Saturday and then biking again on Sunday. Top off Sunday night with an Oscars gathering at Spotts! Loved it!)

Keep Praying for my dear friend Desiree as she enters the third week of her protocol. Below is one of my favorite pics of her and I. It was after she completed Wildflower Triathlon and she wanted to swim in the ocean. The waves were HUGE that day and after we tried to venture out we then saw signs that said, "not safe for swimming" We laughed about that one!

Have a great week....

Recover...that's what I did..for a few days anyway

2009-02-19T17:14:00.003-06:00

This week was about recovering and there is no better way to do that than in the POOL!! And I am still in love with swimming!! I have gotten to the pool 3 times this week and will return again on Saturday morning making that almost 12000m that I have swam this week...the most ever. As well, my 100s have rocked it this week as I pulled a 1:46 for a few of my 100s. I can feel myself getting stronger and I know my Ironman swim in AZ is going to rock if I just stay on this course.

I have been enjoying evening spin sessions with Lance, Levi and George...my close cycling buddies. Well, not really but I will tell you that getting on the bike trainer and turning on the Tour of California via the DVR...make the 90 minutes of ez spin go by fast!! I just visualize them carrying me to the Sprint Finish....and of course I over take Cavendish in the end!

I only went running once, an easy 3 mile run after a T3 core class. That's all I will say about that. My legs weren't ready for running quite yet as my hamstrings still seem to have their own zipcode.

Tomorrow I have off as the LAF is moving to our new beautiful headquarters here in Austin,TX!! I can't wait to go into work on Monday morning and be in our new space on the East side! (The office is still only a 4.5 mile bike commute for me, so I will continue my quest to go as long as I can without a car payment!) In having off tomorrow, my riding buddy KAB and I are going to take off and do 100 miles on the bike. Just because. No real reason. Just because we can and because we have the day off....so WHY NOT!!??? Stay tuned for what I am sure will be a funny post. The most I have ridden in the last few months is um, well...40 miles? I think? so 100 should be exciting....and show me just where I am NOT for my Ironman Training. gulp.

Observations in a Hospital waiting room

2009-02-19T16:08:00.002-06:00

I am in Houston as I write this. I came with my friend Desiree or Taco as we like to call her for some follow up tests and an infusion at MD Anderson. This is my friend who is fighting cancer again. I have been in and around this kind of situation more than I would want to (and Desiree..I will drive you down ANY DAY you need me to) Today I had some time to observe. I got caught up on some work and opened a book I had been wanting to read for some time and I had several thoughts in my head racing. I sat down and wrote an email to my good friend Brian. He currently works with Team Fight for the Ulman Fund in Maryland and his team is getting ready for a triathlon in May. Here is basically what I wrote:

I am sitting in Houston, TX at MD Anderson with my dear friend Desiree who has relapsed a second time with lymphoma. The first time she fought was two years ago when I met her beautiful face. We were fast friends as we had so much in common. We both try to get the same things out of life and we live for adventure! She has been a close friend, a fellow triathlete and my running buddy. Desiree and I signed up for Ironman AZ this November to celebrate her victory over cancer and her 40th birthday (however she doesn't look a day over 30!!)….she will not be able to race due to the relapse. As well, she has 3 beautiful children. Ages 6,8 and 10…… I am sitting in the waiting room as she goes in to receive a 4 hour infusion. Even though MD Anderson does a lot of things right…being in a hospital for JUST cancer patients will never feel ok to me. It makes it real, it makes me realize just how important it is to eradicate this horrible disease.

The injustice that cancer serves is not fair. And I am angry. I have observed since 9 AM and watched the walks of all those facing treatment, good news, bad news, new protocol…. There is this blank look on people's faces that quite frankly reads nothing because in the world of cancer fighting, you have to be ready for anything and everything. I learned a few things over again...Cancer does not discriminate. Where I sit right now there are young and old, black, white & asian, upper class and lower class. Cancer doesn’t care that the economy is tanking, that fashion week is about to happen, or that we are trying to figure out a new health care system. It doesn't care who is going to win at the Oscars. Cancer doesn’t care if you have 3 children or hopes of having children one day. As active as it is…it has no REAL face. It carries the face of way too many people. There is no sense in who or why it chooses and that makes me angry. Nobody deserves this. I found out today that MD Anderson has to add 600 more beds, my stomach dropped. I mean…they ONLY serve cancer patients, have an entire FLOOR for lymphoma and they need 600 more beds??? Apparently there is a waiting list...how is that so? Cancer doesn't wait..why should patients?

I have been around cancer up close and personal for about 6 years now. Some have asked...do I get used to it? No. I don't...and I don't want to...ever.

Desiree...if you read this...I love you, I am proud to call you friend, I will take the trip to MD Anderson whenever you need to go and I will stand in the gap for you when you feel like you can't anymore. You are loved...not just by me...but by so many.

Winter Run Training- Completed.

2009-02-16T16:26:00.002-06:00

Yesterday, February 15th officially was the end of 4 months of Winter Run training for Colleen. My goal back in September was starting with the San Antonio Rock 'n' Roll Half, I would complete one half marathon per month ending with the Austin marathon in February. Here are the results:

(NOVEMBER)San Antonio Half: 1:51:40
(DECEMBER)OUC Half: 1:51:57
(JANUARY)Disney Half: 1:51:50
(FEBRUARY) Austin Half: 1:56:01

It as been a goal of mine to get close to my PR of 1:45...and that goal is still on my list. However, I wonder if that will ever come my way? Will I ever get faster on the run? The first three halves were done on flat courses and so I was happy that at least they were consistent....however, I REALLY wanted Austin to be close to those other times since it was a hillier course and well...just because I always have to be hard on myself.

Over the winter I stayed true to swimming at least twice a week and usually would go 3 times. (8 to 9 thousand meters per week) As well, signing up for these 4 half marathons means I will enter Ironman training with at least 13.1 miles in my base training. Basically I trained for San Antonio and my schedule would go as such...run 13.1 at race, rest for one week with a few 3 mile runs, then 10 mile run the following weekend, 6-7 miles the weekend after...next weekend...race time again. A 10 mile run started feeling "normal" to me and I was enjoyin the 90 minutes of running. I certanly know I am in a better place than when I started for Couer d'Alene last year at this time, especially in regards to running and swimming but I still feel like I could/can do more.

Why do I do this to myself??

my friend....update

2009-02-06T14:52:00.003-06:00

I won't give names because it's not fair to someone's health to do that on a blog but I believe prayer still works regardless of names. The cancer is indeed back in my dear friends body, and it's back with more this time.

stage iv --which means in bone marrow and they are now going to test whether it is in the central nervous system. It is as serious as it gets. Less than 2% of recurrence cases is in the bones. The prognosis is set at 50%.

Chemo will be rough. Instead of one day outpatient my friend will be admitted for 4-5days each session. My friend will be required to return to Houston for monitoring during off weeks.

Three cycles every 21 days. This is before the bone marrow transplant, which is looking like it might be the more complicated one with donor marrow which increases risk of rejection or complications and is more compromising to my friend's long term health. Still don't know whether this will happen but the oncologist says that is is more likely than not.

Here is how we can pray:

Please pray that my friend will stay strong and can be humble during this process.
Please pray that my friend can have a stem cell transplant rather than a donor transplant.

Please pray that my friend's sister is a match. She is the best chance of a donor.

My friend will be gone a lot. Please pray that my friend's babies stay strong even though they are going to be scared, lonely and worried.

Please pray for my friend's spouse. This is going to be unbelievably difficult for them in maintaining their lives while away from one another.

Please pray for my friends parents who are devestated and are radically changing their lives to be here for my friends family.

AND LASTLY:

34 things for 34 years

2009-02-05T19:01:00.002-06:00

It's one week since I turned 34 and I had a GREAT birthday. I got to work and my friends Dani and Emily had sent me beautiful tulips, then i had a birthday lunch with Emy, Spotts and Frasco. Got back and roses from Sam. There were other surprises from friends later but i won't bore you all...(fuller, thanks for a great birthday!! You are a dear friend!) As people have asked over the last week questions about turning 34 and where I am in life I once again brought back to a place of seeing just how blessed I am in life. So i thought...34 things for 34 years might be appropriate! Most of these I picked from my journal from the last year as it was quotes and the most random thoughts ever. Please publish it when i die. (these are in no particular order..just lessons I learned from music, sports, life, friends, good and bad choices)

1. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (I know that is a long one...but it's a bible verse that is relevant whether you believe in God or not)

2. I'm doing what I do, and I'll always do what I do because that's what I do.

3. My coming of faith did not start with a leap but rather a series of staggers from what seemed like one safe place to another. Like lily pads, round and green, these places summoned and then held me up while I grew. Each prepared me for the next leaf on which I would land, and in this way I moved across the swamp of doubt and fear.

4. The movie High Fidelity always makes me feel better.

5. Singing really loud to old school Indigo Girls is something I don't ever want to grow out of.

6. Loving someone is truly a choice. A choice that is worth making whether it be heartache or true love in the end...I will always choose love.

7. there are certain barriers that will always make us stronger.

8. When things are tough and life seems unbearable, sign up and volunteer for a cause that is giving to those less fortunate than you. It will always bring you back.

9. Be the change you want to see in this world.

10. I thank God every day for Radiohead, Jeff Buckley, Brandi Carlile and Annie Lennox. Their lyric and meter makes me smile.

11. Always give yourself multiple chances to attack the problem.

12. Eat more vegetables. just because.

13. make shopping lists, if you don't...you always come back with way more than you need and nothing to make a complete meal.

14. what you do with your life matters.

15. cancer sucks.

16. When I went from entertainment to non-profit work, I am always brought back to music. Always.

17. i really love triathlons...they push me and it is a great escape for me.

18. contentment is being satisfied with WHAT I HAVE.

19. surest form of failure is seeing out the approval of everyone.

20. saying Thank you is really important.

21. Forgiveness is hard, but we must do it.

22. God will speak to you through interruptions.

23. Faith is a lump in the throat and faith isn't cheap.

24. Take a risk...I have found that the risks usually end up being those things in life you have always wanted to do...for example...my job at the LAF!!

25. Practice does make perfect...(especially in swimming)

26. the truth does set us free!

27. Oreos and Chocolate milk really do turn a bad day...good.

28. Happiness in relationships is each partner's ability to adjust to things beyond his or her control.

29. And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring
Not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind (God Bless U2)

30. Decide to grow, not get my way. it doesn't have to go my way for me to be a happy well-adjusted person.

31. no one can take away your power to choose- and that includes your attitude.

32. the tongue has the power of life and death. (that's actually a bible verse in Proverbs...but once again...whether you believe in God or not, applicable to life)

33. I have lived a very full and rich life and I am young...don't stop now..keep moving in that direction. Leap and the net WILL appear!!!

34. when all else fails, put the iPod on, hit shuffle and walk....walk until you can't remember why you started this process.

That's it friends....the list for 2009!! I love it that my birthday is at the end of January, just after all the craziness of what I will resolve to not do this year!

Take a deep breathe. Tell someone you love them every day. Hug someone even if they don't want you to. Laugh a lot. And challenge yourself beyond what you think is possible for you.

CHEERS!!!!

Sharing is Caring......or is it?

2009-02-04T09:56:00.002-06:00

Let's look at what the dictionary, good old Webster, says about Sharing, shall we?

To use or enjoy something jointly or in turns
to receive, use, experience, etc. in common with another or others
divide something equally

In riding my bike to work today I thought maybe, just maybe I had gotten the word Share wrong in my vocabulary...but once again, good old google clears it up for me.

And then I thought of the old bible verse: It is more blessed to give than to receive.

huh? not so much for me this morning on the way to work mr. buddy in the red pick up truck. What I received from you being that you tailed right behind my bike and honked....and folks I could have touched his car at one point....and then proceeded to drive so close to my left side when you passed (still honking and yelling GET ON THE SIDEWALK). The pass knocked me off my bike with your lovely side-view mirror. (I was on Barton Springs Road where there is a BIKE LANE!!!!) Well, that kind of receiving is what I could seriously do without. Here is where I thank James, the gentleman who stopped when I fell and helped me get up and was my witness and had the license plate number of said pick up truck.

Here is where sharing comes full circle. I proceeded to call the police, and they showed up about 10 minutes later, James and I SHARED the license plate number, make and model of the car and told Officer Carey what happened.

He then called in the number and took off in the direction of the red pick up truck.

I guess sharing is caring afterall.

(it's my means of transportation right now folks, unless you want to purchase me a car....I will follow the rules if you will..SHARE THE ROAD!!!!!!!!)

Please check your kids homework

2009-01-29T22:17:00.001-06:00

(Here's the reply the teacher received the following day)
Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out of every shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get the last shovel. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot!!
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs.Smith

RAGBRAI route!!!

2009-01-29T14:39:00.000-06:00

A hilly 442 miles in July in Iowa....here we come Team LIVESTRONG!!!!

Ironman AZ, a different reason to race

2009-01-29T11:19:00.002-06:00

My dear friend that has been diagnosed with cancer again was the one that would have raced alongside me at Ironman AZ this year. In fact, it was going to be a three-fold celebration. Her 40th birthday, her first IM and 2 years since her cancer diagnosis. Because she won't be able to race with me...for a brief moment I thought about not going this year, that she was truly the reason why I had signed up.

As I headed to the pool last night and pretty much swam out of anger that she is going to have to fight again, bone marrow transplant and everything else that comes with it, I decided I HAVE to go and do this race.

I will train my ass off (let's hope so anyway, I would love for it to get smaller) and I will kick 140.6 miles in the teeth for my dear friend. I will carry her with me in each mile and I will remember her fight. As we say here at the LAF...

We believe in life. Your life. We believe in living every minute of it with every ounce of your being. And that you must not let cancer take control of it. We believe in energy: channeled and fierce. We believe in focus: getting smart and living strong. Unity is strength. Knowledge is power. Attitude is everything.

In fact in our Challenge series the line we use is: your participation will be one more powerful weapon in the fight against cancer. Go Ahead. Pick a Fight.

For my friend...I will do just that.

Dear God, please be with my friend...

2009-01-28T13:14:00.003-06:00

Why we all have our stories, a message today made my heart sink.

A beautiful wonderful friend of mine
runner and athlete extraordinaire
wife & mother of 3 children

She received her second diagnosis of lymphoma today. Yes, she beat it once about a year back and it has returned.

Please heal her a second time....

GO ARIZONA!!!!!

2009-01-28T11:24:00.004-06:00

Read this entire story and then cheer for Arizona Cardinals in the Super Bowl this weekend...I just CAN'T cheer for the Steelers...

In a supermarket, Kurtis the stock boy, was busy working when a new voice came over the loud speaker asking for a carry out at register # 4. Kurtis was almost finished, wanted to get some fresh air, and decided to answer the call. As he approached the check-out stand a distant smile caught his eye, the new check-out girl was beautiful. She was an older woman (maybe 26, and he was only 22), and he fell in love.

Later that day, after his shift was over, he waited by the time-card clock to find out her name. She came into the break room, smiled softly at him, took her card, and punched out, then left. He looked at the time-card. It said, “Brenda.” He walked out, only to see her start walking up the road. Next day, he waited outside as she left the supermarket, and offered her a ride home. He looked harmless enough, and she accepted. When he dropped her off, he asked if maybe he could see her again, outside of work. She said it simply wasn't possible. He pressed her, and she explained she had two children, and she couldn't afford a baby-sitter, so he offered to pay for the baby-sitter. Reluctantly, she accepted his offer for a date for the following Saturday.

That Saturday night he arrived at her door only to have her tell him that she was unable to go with him. The baby-sitter had called and canceled. To which Kurtis replied, "Well, let's take the kids with us."

She tried to explain that taking the children was not an option, but again not taking no for an answer, he was insistent. Finally, Brenda brought him inside to meet her children. She had an older daughter who was just as cute as a bug, Kurtis thought, . . . then Brenda brought out her son, in a wheelchair. He was born a paraplegic with Down Syndrome.

Kurtis looked at Brenda and said, "I still don't understand why the kids can't come with us?"

Brenda was amazed. Most men would run away from a woman with two kids, especially if one had disabilities - just like her first husband and the father of her children had done.

Kurtis was not ordinary - - - he had a different mindset.

That evening Kurtis and Brenda loaded up the kids, went to dinner and the movies. When her son needed anything, Kurtis would take care of him. When he needed to use the restroom, Kurtis lifted him from his wheelchair, carried him, and brought him back. The kids loved Kurtis. At the end of the evening, Brenda knew this was the man she was going to marry and spend the rest of her life with.

A year later, they were married, and Kurtis adopted both of her children. Since then they have added five more kids.

So what happened to Kurtis the Stock Boy and Brenda the Check-Out Girl?

Well, Mr. & Mrs. Kurt Warner now live in Arizona, where he is currently employed as the quarterback of the National Football League Arizona Cardinals. The Cardinals will play in Super Bowl XLIII (43) this coming Sunday.

It should be noted that in 2000 and 2002 he also quarterbacked the St. Louis Rams in Super Bowls XXXIV (34) and XXXVI (36). He has also been the NLF's Most Valuable Player (MVP) twice and the Super Bowl's Most Valuable Player once.

Warner's case is as instructive as it is well-known. In 1994, after being cut by the Green Bay Packers, he found himself working the nightshift at a Hy-Vee grocery store near his alma mater, - - - that noted football factory known as Northern Iowa. - - - By February 2000, he'd won a Super Bowl ring and the first of his two MVP awards. (Kurt led the St. Louis Rams in defeating the Tennessee Titans, 23-16 in Super Bowl XXXIV, 30 Jan 2000.)

Warner first went to the Super Bowl with the Rams as an improbable success story, a former grocery bagger and a graduate of NFL Europe and the Arena Football League who'd gotten a starting chance with the St. Louis Rams because of an injury to starter Trent Green. He returns to Super Bowl XLIII with the Arizona Cardinals at age 37, as perhaps an even more improbable reclamation project.

"There were plenty of [times] when I wondered if I would ever start again," Warner said Tuesday. "There were moments when you were just thinking about starting and getting back in and playing and playing well. The Super Bowl kind of gets pushed to the back burner."

Warner said he thinks he showed his new teammates from his first practice with the team he still had something left in his arm. But he had to prove himself to a new coaching staff when the Cardinals fired Dennis Green and hired Ken Whisenhunt before the 2007 season. The club had drafted Matt Leinart in the first round in 200to be its quarterback of the future. But Cardinals offensive line coach Russ Grimm said Tuesday that the new staff had an open mind about Warner when it took charge, and Whisenhunt ended up going with Warner as the full-time starter after Leinart broke his collarbone in the fifth game of the 2007 season.

"Kurt has always been a great player," Grimm said. "He was the MVP in St. Louis, so you know he's a good quarterback. When you get around him, you realize what type of person he is. He's a great person. He works at it. He's a great leader for a lot of young players. The experience factor is there. He'll get on the young guys if they're not going their job."

"With this season and in 1999 with the Rams, when we were in a similar situation, those are probably the two things that I'm gonna take with me more than anything when I leave this game," Warner said Tuesday. "It's not gonna be about touchdown passes thrown or games won. It's going to be about being a part of two organizations that nobody expected anything from, and being able to be a part of them taking a run to the Super Bowl, exceeding expectations, and changing perceptions."

AND THE REST OF THE STORY: Today when Kurt, his wife, and seven children go out to eat he has one of his children pick out a family eating at the restaurant. Kurt then tells the restaurant staff he is picking up the tab for that family's dinner, anonymously. He remembers the days he was working nights in the grocery store and feeding his family on food stamps. Makes it hard not to root for Kurt Warner and the Arizona Cardinals in Super Bowl XLIII, doesn’t it?

You're proud NOW???

2009-01-23T10:12:00.003-06:00

As inspiring as Tuesday, January 20th was and yes, I do agree that it was great to see the nation come together and yes, I do agree that Obama has this "thing" about him that makes you want to act and get your hands dirty and yes, I do believe that America needs change and that we need to go back to our roots and really move forward in a non-partisan, peace-ful way...HOWEVER....I don't get the comments such as:
"He said things that apply to all Americans. Everyone here should be proud to be an American now."

"I am proud to be an American now, especially after I see Obama move to close GITMO"

"Who wouldn't be proud to be an American now?"

"I can finally stop planning my move to Canada as I feel inspired and proud now to live in American and be an American"

Even our first lady, “For the first time in my adult life, I am proud of my country, “because it feels like hope is making a comeback.”

Nothing America has done in Michelle Obama’s adult life, which at 44 goes back 26 years to 1982, has made her proud of her country? Nothing? Not winning the Cold War? Not our regular and orderly transitions of power based on the rule of law? Not the fact that we feed and defend the world, not that we lead in science and technology research. Not the fact that she and her husband were able to go to Ivy League schools before embarking on extremely lucrative careers? Not the fact that we help out in disasters wherever they strike in the world? Nothing has made Michelle Obama proud of her country in her entire adult life?

I mean....REALLY? I would completely agree that Bush had a HORRIBLE final term and I don't envy his position in that the LARGEST terrorist attack on our nation happened during his term. The man is human, he made mistakes and yes....I believe he needs some help in public speaking, but has America really WAITED for one person to be in front to inspire, heal, protect, motivate and make you PROUD? really? I would like to say those are all things we could choose to be on a daily basis?

Some of you really don't know how GOOD we have it, and I mean good. Maybe I have had experiences outside of the U.S. that have made me proud all along. Such as a 3 year stint in Saudi-Arabia when I was younger. For me, it was fine, I was a child and my rights were pretty normal (other than I almost got my bible taken away at customs when we were moving into the country, which would NEVER happen in the USA as we give people freedom of religion) But if you ask my mother about those 3 years...she couldn't drive, she couldn't go outside the small U.S. compound we lived in without the full Arab garb on, she couldn't go to a meal with my father and enjoy it WITH him as men and women were often separated. And had we lived there just a few years later, my older sister and I at the age of 16 would had to of lived like this. Oh, and then there was the time that a young Arab kid hit my sister...and I mean hit across the face...when my Dad (remember he is a Marine) went to confront the kid and his father. The father said she probably deserved it. My Dad then hit the kid that hit my sister...and well, for a few weeks waited to see if we were deported. The church we started on our US compound...we had to have people watch for locals because if we were turned into the government, it was out of the country we went.

Then there was the year I lived in Japan. Yes, I had it pretty decent there as I was working for Disney, but as a woman in that country...absolutely NO RESPECT.

I don't wait for a President, a US Senator, a Governor to make me proud. That is a choice I make everyday because I am thankful and proud to have been born in a FREE country. I know some of you will argue that I am caucasion and so I have not had to fight like an African-American or any other minority in our country. And I would agree with you. I have not, nor do I think the treatment of them in history was right. I do think we have come a long way in that especially since thinking about MLK day this past Monday. There was a man who was proud! He stood up and fought for equal rights for all people and he chose to be proud and never stopped believing this could happen for the US. The key is he chose this...he didn't stop and feel sorry for himself. He chose to be proud and believe.

It just seems weird that some of you NOW are proud...as I watch in anticipation of the first 100 days and what Obama will change and do, I don't sit and wait to be proud because of HIS actions, I will continue to stand up for this great nation and ALL that it has to offer me because our Consitution says...."WE THE PEOPLE of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America." I don't think it says...Our president of the United States, in order to form.....

For those of you planning moves to Canada....go, get out, because when times get tough for our nation, it's people like you that are tearing it down.

A lesson in Mastery....

2009-01-21T12:20:00.004-06:00

I have been thinking a lot lately. yeah, I know, I should stop that, right? I feel inundated with messages on hope, change, service...which is really good but it just has me thinking, which then fills me with anxiety, which then causes me to plan my total world domination as I now see it. ok, maybe that was a bit far. One of the best talks on service I have heard in a while was at church this past Sunday. Honestly, my church is not like some of you are thinking "church" I mean, we can wear jeans!?!?! AND the seats have cup holders for your coffee like in the movie theatres..it really is great. It was a guest speaker this past weekend and yes, it was a call to service much like when I went to Northland, my church back in Orlando a few weekends ago.

One of the things I love that I had read about recently was the pastor talked about the Mastery Curve. Progress on the road to mastery is full of sharp inclines followed by long plateaus. The idea of Mastery is to enjoy the ride, to be pleased with small wins, and to be patient. It’s taking pleasure in the practice or routine, rather than being focused only on the end goal.

In the actual learning experience, progress is less regular; the upward spurts vary; the plateaus have their own dips and rises along the way. But the general progression is almost always the same. To take the master's journey, you have to practice diligently, striving to hone your skills, to attain new levels of competence. But while doing so - and this is the inexorable fact of the journey - you also have to be willing to spend most of your time on a plateau, to keep practicing even when you seem to be getting nowhere.

He (Ted, the guest speaker) continued to explain that greatness if often found in the daily grind. He gave examples with sports, relationships, jobs, spirituality....and well, I have fallen into all those categories at one point in time. I had this renewed sense of when I know I am sitting on that plateau that is where the REAL work begins!!! if I can just recognize that....then you eventually get to that new level of growth..onward and upward you go!! Remember, even when we are doing the right thing, change takes a toll. Time and effort are needed to implement change....

So from now on resolutions just seem silly because maybe sometimes I need to resolve to really LIVE in the grind. I need to take the instruction, practice diligently, surrender all the negative, move forward with intention and just like that.....WORLD DOMINATION and I continue on the path of all things rad.

You might ask...how does this connect to service? Well, that was what I was thinking at first but how can we possibly serve others out of self-less heart if we are not willing to fight it out in our own lives? Acts of service...excuse me...GENUINE acts of service allow us to recognize our own poverty. (i know...ouch) When I volunteer I begin to discover some of those deep seeded truths(if I allow myself)while on that plateau...

ok...plateau...ready or not...here I COME!!!!

History....Yes, indeed.

2009-01-20T12:39:00.003-06:00

Certainly January, 20th was historic today as I sat will colleagues and watched Obama be sworn in as the 44th President of the United States. I loved where he said "we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and begin the work of rebuilding America." It must be a group effort and we must move forward and trust our leaders, whether you side with them or not. It is our job to pray for our leaders and support.

I then returned to my desk and had an email from Dad. It was sent to my brother Thomas and he had copied us all on it. Here is what it said:

Thomas Jefferson Wilson II,
Today, Tuesday 20 January 2009, is a historic day for our nation as we inaugurate our 44th President, but it is even more historic to your Mother, all who love you, and me. It is the Fifth Anniversary of your freedom from Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, a Cancer which nearly claimed your life in December 2002.

We are eternally thankful to your doctors, medical science, all those who supported you in your struggle, and our Lord Jesus Christ who made your victory successful.
God has spared you for a special purpose. Never forget or doubt that.

Your challenge is to never forget you are His son, that thanks to Christ you are saved for eternity, and your mission is to BE FAITHFUL to Christ and His Gospel.

May God continue to bless you and may you do your best to spread His Gospel until you draw your final breath.

In days of old before a battle, Marines would say to their buddies, "I'll meet you on the high ground." The high ground was always the objective they were attacking. The statement was a positive affirmation that they would win the battle and still be alive to enjoy their victory. For Christians it has eternal meaning of our guarantee of heaven (our "high ground").

Son, Mom and I will meet you on "The High Ground," no matter what happens in this life.

Love,
Dad and Mother

I still can't seem to remove the tears from my eyes and be so very thankful.

Hug someone you love today.

Day of Service

2009-01-15T11:07:00.002-06:00

"Life's most persistent and urgent question is...What are you doing for others?" Martin Luther King, Jr.

I can't believe what this next week holds for our country. Celebrating MLK day on Monday and then the innauguration of America's first Black President on Tuesday. I wish that all employer's gave off Monday, I am fortunate to be working for such a place. Something that you may or may not know is that Monday is being called a National Day of Service. President-elect Obama believes that we, as Americans, have a responsibility to help our communities and fellow citizens. In summoning a new spirit of service, he is calling on us to make an enduring commitment to our neighborhoods. If one looks up the definition of Service it is: work done by one person or group that benefits another.

If you can get out this weekend or Monday and reach out to your neighborhood or community that would be great! You can look up an event on USASERVICE.ORG or create one yourself that maybe you can involve your neighbors to join in!! It's not too late!!

If you are in Austin, there are a lot of different things to choose from...remember Change starts in our own homes and so if you can take even an hour and give back, it will be worth it...I promise!

I will be helping out at the new LAF building and serving lunch at the Capitol Area Food Bank. I have this quote sitting at my desk:
I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.

Don't be silent about the things that matter!! And if you do go out and serve, report back and let me know how it went!

what it isn't.

2009-01-08T09:07:00.004-06:00

One week into 2009 and things are good....Got back from some amazing family time (will post pictures later), had 3 days in Austin and then off to Orlando where Team LIVESTRONG will take on the Disney Marathon this weekend. I will be going after the Half Marathon on Saturday trying to do continue my 1 Half Marathon per month to keep up the base training for all things Ironman in the Fall. So far I did the San Antonio with a 4 minute PR of 1:51, then in December the OUC with a PR of a lovely 45seconds...you read that right, but a PR is PR my friends and now Disney and already looking at Austin Half in February. I really decided I am not a lover of the Full Marathon unless it happens to be after a 112 mile bike ride and a 2.4 mile swim. I know...get me my medication, right?? I won't do another marathon until November 22 of this year.

Week one of training went rather well with a few good runs, a ride on my trainer and got to swim yesterday in Orlando which was quite nice!!! I was back to swimming my 100 at a 1:45 pace and I continue to work on my core and leg strength so I can get close to my 1 hour swim goal at the IM!! My focus with training at least until June is to take it easy. 2-3 hour bike rides, 10 mile runs here and there, core and strength....nothing like an IM schedule that will cause me to get burnt out before June. And maybe, just maybe...I will fall in love with my bike again.

I also tried to sit with my journal and make REALISTIC resolutions....things that at the end of 2009 that would make me a better person. Then it crossed my mind...how is it that our lists' tend to look this: In 2009 I will.......Yes, I will have a few of those..I will complete my second IM, I will learn to be more patient, be HOTT in May (I did that for you Fuller) but what if we all decided to make a list like this:

In 2009 I will not.....

*be so hard on myself, and will not be such a type A perfectionist
*put down my appearance or my size and self-deprecate
*take things personally
*compare myself to others

I think that is more what I will resolve to do. I finished reading this book called Now, Discover Your Strengths and I read it from a stand point of wanting to understand others in the workplace and even the fundraisers that volunteer with the LAF. It was good for that but it was also self-convicting in that I need to not be so hard on myself when I "fail" I am human and not perfect, and no one expects me to be. And if they do...I should bless and release them right out of my life. It was so good to be reminded why we are all so very different and how if we stop and look for the strenghts and not focus on the weaknesses..our lives, our jobs, our relationships would function so very differently. I love that.

I wrote this song a few years ago and the hook of it was

It's exactly what you did
It's exactly what you did
It's exactly what you did
not do.

It popped up on my iPod on the plane to Orlando and it allowed me to go down this road of what I will not do anymore in 2009.....

anyone want to join me?

Year. New. Happy.

2008-12-31T22:25:00.002-06:00

Wow...it's about 30 minutes until I ring in the new year (eastern time, that is) and as most do, they reflect on the last year. I think of the many blessings first:

health, roof over my head, and a new job that I am in love with! Then there were some athletic accomplishments, 2 Half Ironman, 4 Half Marathons and well...yes...the Ironman folks...the Ironman. (And the start of 2009 already has me dreaming about Arizona in November and what I can accomplish there.) and then some extra's along the way falling in love, lot's of fun travel, new friends (Carrie B., Ash and Brett, KAB, Anthony, JJ and my Gateway family) and then old friends where I was able to continue down a beautiful path of growth. And yet a tear is brought to my eye thinking of my friends Andi, Heidi, Heather and Robin who ventured to Idaho just for my Ironman. Mizz Fuller who supports each and every decision I make and allows me to join her in the pool by giving me a ride...and is well one of the MOST self-less people I have ever met. Slo-Diggity- a first time 70.3er, my ACL partner in crime and truly a wonderful person on the inside and out...thanks for staying close over the miles!! I know there are those that have touched my life in the past year that I am forgetting....but if you shared a cup of coffee, if we laughed or cried together, if we traveled to a race together, maybe swapped music favs,...you were certainly a part of the journey, my journey...and well, 2008 was pretty much a rockin' year. I think that is what I learned the most this past year is that each person has a part, or at least we certainly have the power to choose that. I am so fortunate and blessed to have friends that stick by in the yuck and push me to see the good and beautiful.

Yes, there were parts of 2008 that were hard and so very rough. The first 5 months I was living in a job that was tearing my soul out...I loved the job, but the environment...I did not and I have blessed and released those people that caused me hurt. I had some financial set-backs, totaled my car and am doing the bike commuting thing until I can afford a car the right way. There were a few friendships that really changed...more than I thought they would. In fact, it was one year ago tonight I was planning a New Years Day run with them. There are still moments I am sad, but then I also know some friendships stick for a season and not forever. And last, I continue to see those I love move through cancer and hope for a miracle.

But all of these...good and bad, make me who I am and allow me to trust that much more in what God has for me...and possibly in 2009! I am a goal oriented person, but I will keep that for my personal journal because well, I am super self-motivated!! :)

It is exactly two years ago that I moved to Austin, TX and well...I LOVE IT IN THE ATX!!! It has truly been the best move I have made for myself in career, in personal life and love, in truly feeling like I am HOME. I didn't feel that for 9 years in Orlando and didn't know I was missing something until I moved to Austin.

I am in Virginia, spending the night babysitting my precious niece and nephews so my sis and bro-in-law could go out and it was worth it! I wouldn't have had it any other way (except maybe Sam come along next time). And with that as 2008 wraps up (and it takes me all of January to remember putting 2009 on things) here are a few Irving Berlin lyrics...

One minute to midnight
One minute to go
One minute to say good-bye
Before we say hello

no pain, no gain...right??

2008-12-21T10:52:00.002-06:00

So I have expressed to a few friends at how I don't want to get on the bike right now...I'm just a little over it, can't seem to get motivated to turn those wheels on the weekend. I know that not riding will not change the speed factor on the bike. Then I had a friend send me this quote:

"To be a cyclist is to be a student of pain....at cycling's core lies pain, hard and bitter as the pit inside a juicy peach. It doesn't matter if you're sprinting for an Olympic medal, a town sign, a trailhead, or the rest stop with the homemade brownies. If you never confront pain, you're missing the essence of the sport. Without pain, there's no adversity. Without adversity, no challenge. Without challenge, no improvement. No improvement, no sense of accomplishment and no deep-down joy. Might as well be playing Tiddly-Winks."

So I am going to print this out, put it up where I can see it at my office, at my house and January 1 begins time back on the bike again. I wish I could take some of the running/swim energy and transfer that to the bike..

I have been back in the water 3 times a week, putting in around 2800 m each time...thanks to the Mizz Fuller who has been my chariot while still car-less...In the new year, I would like to start going 3-4 times per week and that excites me. I am really loving the water. It could be that I just read the new Phelps book, No Limits? It might be...however I have also found that I have a new crush...it's Jason Lezak. Does anyone know how I could meet him? ok..sorry...off the subject.

In the running world I have had a good fall of PRs in the Half marathon distance...3 more to close out that season...Disney Half, 3M and then the Austin Half. Then I will be in Triathlon season and will start to get that race schedule together.

And as this blogged started out....WHEN WILL I START TO LOVE CYCLING AGAIN??? Right now...I am uninspired and I just hate that. Help??

SURPRISE!!!!!!!

2008-12-05T08:13:00.003-06:00

I have been holding this in for over a month. And CAN'T believe that all was pulled off without a hitch for someone that is a gem of a friend!! A few months ago, one of my closest life friends, Andi Canny, let me know she was doing another photography/art show at Infusion on December 6th. In my brain I thought...Can I make it there? (here is where I would like to thank Jet Blue for the direct and rather cheap flight) You see Andrea has recently started to sell her photography, which is pretty amazing and genius! What is great about our friendship is that we met singing at Disney and when we found out that we had other talents, we encouraged one another to pursue those wholeheartedly. The past couple of years have been that for Andrea and I. Andrea was one of my friends that really supported me in my decision to leave full-time performing and work in the fight on cancer...hence the job with the Lance Armstrong Foundation and Andrea started working diligently on getting her photography onto canvas's and postcards, notecards. Her first showing earlier this year....went...well, better than great!! And so now she is being brought back for her second show and I can't wait to see what she has done! (don't worry Austinites, I am hoping I can get her to our land at some point to do a showing!!)

On top of that....Andrea flew out to Idaho for my very special day of becoming an Ironman. And she will never know what that meant to me....because I didn't want to be alone that day, and I wanted others to see what I had worked so hard for AND she has seen me climb the ladder of Triathlon. A few nights before my day, she wrote this to me:

When we're kids, what do we think we're gonna do when we grow up? Mostly we think about what we're going to BE when we grow up, not knowing that BEING and DOING are two very different things. And that we'll have so many inner dialogues debating the definition of these. While we are living our lives, we dream, we react to what else happens and sometimes never follow those dreams...leaving us feeling cheated and flat...sometimes failed. Although, where usually that spot lends good company, we don't feel any better about ourselves.

If we are lucky or blessed (whichever you prefer) we meet people we can call friends that accept us, love us and inspire us in immeasurable ways. I am such a blessed person. I've proven my mother's theory of being "lucky enough to have a handful of true friends in this life" wrong. I don't prove it out of spite or to prove any Universal law. It just IS...TRUE for me. And I am forever thankful and grateful. One of those friends is Colleen Wilson.

Colleen and I first bonded via humor as I thought she was so f$*(in' funny in the original cast of "Theme Park Diva", the brain child of my genius friend, John deHaas. Then, we ended up in Vybe, a singing group at Disney. That is where we truly bonded and began to enjoy a true mutual admiration society. We became roomies and she was the "Kate" to my "Allie" when I went to Japan and took care of my Tony Baloney in my absence...giving me the comfort of knowing he was in loving hands.

We became sisters, sharing the bathroom naked(sorry boys, no pictures), boy stories, drunkfests ("boobieeeeessss!!!"), small fights, tearfests for many reasons, big or small and slept easily knowing someone close had our back, no matter the reason or hour. You can't buy that. You could buy an employee....but you can't buy the feeling deep in your soul that knows and enjoys the beauty of true friendship. And this true friend is a CHAMPION MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!! And a rockin' queen of music, but that's another blog!

Colleen is swiftly approaching the day of her first Full Ironman competition!!!!!(Sunday, June 22, my Dad's b'day!) I was there to witness the beauty & excitement of her first 1/2 Ironman here in Central Florida. The pic of her here on my page, with her medal and Bud Light is from that race! We got the beer from a stranger!! Lovely stranger! She has since done so much, including her 2nd 1/2 Ironman in Austin, her true home.

But this Sunday I will be there with the beautiful and vibrant Robin Grasso, Heidi Hanna & Heather Komorous to root Colleen on in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho during her 13+ hour race! (We will be hydrating with Mimosas and Mojitos~) A full Ironman is a 2 1/2 mile swim, followed by a 112 mile bike ride and finished with a full marathon(26.2miles)!!!!! She fucking rocks!!!!!!!!!! Seriously! Who the FUCK does that!!!!!???? Ok, so lots of other people do that, but their not my friends, so fuck 'em! No, really, I think they are great too, but I'm just so proud of my friend for following her dream.

She's trained countless hours, endured accidents resulting in injuries, altered her daily lifestyle and nutrition needed to withstand such training. All the while keeping a full & overtime job with a non-profit cancer organization. All of this is a lot but many people do it. But, not all people do this after such life trials as my friend has endured and risen above. This part of her story is not mine to tell, but there have been great burdens for her to bear, obstacles to navigate, physical and emotional. She is my CHAMPION!!!!!

I know I'm not changing the world by writing this blog. But, my life has been changed. Changed by this beautiful and wondrous friend. Her dedication, drive, constant sense of humor and thumb on reality keep me coming back time and time again for inspiration! She's not only been there for me as a friend, but just by being HER, her TRUE SELF, she has inspired me in countless ways. I will not only be at Coeur d'Alene in body but my whole spirit will be there, enjoying the bounty of her work!!!!! Reveling in her dedication to her dream! She has done this not for a charity(although she can't even count the hours she has dedicated to charity!), for a boy or for a drunken bar challenge(perhaps this is the next dream!). She has done this for HERSELF. As women, we are constantly taught to do only for others and not ourselves. This is where I bring out the oxygen mask example...put the mask on YOURSELF first and then on others you are helping!

I will be cheering on, gladly, happily and proudly while my dear friend realizes her dream!!! What a true JOY!!!! What a gift...she will be giving herself.....she will be giving me and all who love & support her!!! And all because she is living her true life......DOING what she wants to BE when she grows up....AN INSPIRATION TO ALL WOMEN!!!!!!

Love yourself and then love your friends....and if you're like me....love them hard first and keep working on loving yourself!!! Who's to say at the end of your life that the two won't meet at that lovely crossroad!!!!??

Rock on, Sister Colleen!!! See you there!!!! Andi

ok....so I have saved this letter from Andrea since my weekend in Idaho. When I start to doubt or when things get tough, I read it. The crazy thing is...or I guess the cool thing is I could say the same for her. Andrea is making the choice to live and pursue everything that truly wants from this life and I am blessed to have a front row seat to her life. (and to think that her and I were in Japan at the same time working and barely said 5 words to eachother!!! Timing truly is everything)

The move from Orlando to Austin has allowed me to open my eyes and see just who my real friends are. And Andi is right...Austin is my true home, but I will always go back for weekends of Marc Broussard, Seito Sushi, a Half Marathon (yeah, I know...I'm not right), her fabulous art show and many more memories and laughter. This is just the weekend I needed. Andi- it is YOU that inspire me and you push me the extra mile each and every day. I will laugh with you until we grow very old....so glad I could do this for you this weekend!!!

Sooooo tired...can I get a break?

2008-12-03T15:50:00.000-06:00

just whistle while you work

2008-12-03T15:49:00.001-06:00

So you will stop asking me....

2008-12-01T14:08:00.002-06:00

Armstrong to Race in 2009 Tour

New York Times-- Lance Armstrong will ride in the 2009 Tour de France, marking the first time he will compete in that race and the Giro d'Italia in the same year.

''I'm committed to riding for the best guy,'' Armstrong said Monday, acknowledging the taxing schedule could leave him riding in a supporting role in France. Armstrong's Astana team includes 2007 Tour winner Alberto Contador and is loaded with other talented riders.

''We'll abide by the same code that I do: cycling is team sport, while we'd all like to win,'' the seven-time Tour champion told The Associated Press in a telephone interview from Tenerife in the Canary Islands where Astana is training.

The 37-year-old Armstrong stunned the cycling world in September, when he announced he was ending his three-year retirement. He's scheduled to return to elite racing Jan. 20 for the Tour Down Under in Australia.

He has dedicated his comeback to raising awareness for his global fight against cancer.

After voicing concerns in recent weeks about his personal safety in France, Armstrong dismissed that issue Monday: ''It's not going to keep me from going and doing my job, and it's not going to keep me from spreading my message.''

Chocolate....PLEASE!!!

2008-12-01T11:42:00.002-06:00

Ever had one of those days where you wish everything were made of chocolate? Well that is me....today. In fact, this picture about says it all. And I didn't get this from the internet...this is the daughter of close friends of mine...

Much better weekend....

2008-12-01T09:36:00.003-06:00

Thanksgiving was a rough day, but I got through it. I always do. Woke up on Friday and wanted to start off fresh so I met my riding buddies Clark and Kim to ride the Progress route. What was supposed to be 50 miles, turned into 60. And the wind picked up and it got colder as the ride went on.....but thank goodness for friends! Especially Clark who stayed with me when the last 15 miles felt like I was cycling through mud. (I was having some IT band issues that day...needed to roll it out) Shared a few beers with them at the end of the ride and then was on my way.

Picked up a rental car, did a Target run.....and then was back home to relax and eat dinner.

Saturday was a church rehearsal for Sunday and then I ran a bunch of much needed errands. Another early night in as I wanted to start the Mad Men series. I have had a lot of friends tell me it's a good one to watch, so I rented the first season DVDs and put my feet up for the night.

Sunday was an early morning and onto church for some singing...the first service I saw some familiar faces...Carrie, Eddie, Jodi, Jonathan, Terra and Zane! Sang all 3 services and then headed home to change so I could go for a 7 mile run. I NEVER run with my iPod as you can't race with them, but decided to throw it on as I had gotten a few new CDs via iTunes. I wanted to escape for the 7 miles and take a listen. Not worried about time as I have a Half Marathon next weekend, just an easy 7 mile run. Started out with listening to this album:

She is totally rockin, especially Track 2 with vocals and bass. Delicious. Check her out, you won't be disappointed. Of course, once again a UK artist has done it! Then for the last 3 miles I turned my iPod to shuffle and Beyonce's new "Single Ladies" song came on. I am not normally a fan of Beyonce's...in fact, I can't remember why I downloaded this song? But this song made me pick up the pace and I couldn't get the catchy chorus out of my head all night long. (just ask Sam) It's my new favorite jam and apparently my friend Kennys says the entire album is worth buying...I am not sure if I will do this just yet but at least I can shake it to this tune...here is the video. Who doesn't want to dance around in a onesie like this?

Great Expectations...

2008-11-27T10:41:00.004-06:00

Why do I have expectations for the Holidays that are clearly unrealistic? It's Thanksgiving and I was not intending to be by myself today being that I have been dating someone for 7 months now. Yes, his family is in town and I thought we might be together today. That is not the way it worked out at all. A conversation this morning changed everything....and I do mean everything. And with that on this holiday....I am by myself.

Making plans to go get food at Casa (where they serve it up Vegan style) and then probably a movie so I don't have to sit here in the apartment. Alone. (well, except for Eloise, my sweet dog. And truthfully, at least she won't make me cry, so I am happy to have her around.)

And I just might drink a bit of wine today....because I don't want to feel the hurt.

In the tradition of this holiday....I am truly thankful for my family (however, I miss them more than they could possibly know), health, and my job.

Happy Thanksgiving......I hope each of you can spend today with someone you love.

For 2009 it will be....

2008-11-24T14:22:00.005-06:00

After a few months of sleeping in, sitting on my ass and doing a whole lot of nothing.....i have planned the race schedule for 2009...It will be a long, hot summer for me with these two races but the first, 70.3 in Augusta, GA will allow to race right where my parents live. This way no travel for them, but they will finally get to see me race a triathlon, which is something I have wanted for a long time! YIPPPPEEEEE!!

And then will come Ironman AZ. Yes...another Ironman. I can't believe I said never. Cause I didn't mean it. I will take on the 140.6 miles with my good friend Desiree in Tempe, AZ. Here we go again folks!

The Impromptu, Un-Rehearsed Weekend....

2008-11-24T10:18:00.002-06:00

What an incredible weekend I had! It was weekends such as what I am about to describe that I miss Austin when I am traveling a lot! I had no set plans other than singing at church on Sunday morning....and this is how the weekend unfolded.

Saturday- woke up and Miss Fuller picked me up for a wonderful morning of swim!! I am starting to get jazzed about being back in the water and really have a desire to get stronger again. We put in 2800 m with Coach Pain and felt really good! SIDE NOTE: Y'all better watch out for Miss Fuller-Phelps. She ain't playin' anymore in the water. She is getting faster with each practice and I can't wait to see what the next Tri season holds for her! Way to go lady!! After this, Fuller and I changed and went on a 4 mile run. She is training for the Austin Half in February and so it was good to get in some friend time and a quick run. I will be doing another Half Marathon in a few weeks....I know. I know.

Fuller then dropped me off at the house, I showered and then caught the bus down to the Farmer's Market...with $20 in hand, I got some tasty vegetables and got a message from Mel. She wanted to ride for 2 hours, easy, conversational and ride South over to the Tuesday nighter course. PERFECT!! I would love to! So yes, I did a broken Triathlon on Saturday just because I can. None of the workouts being hard, but fun hang times. Riding with Mel was great! We did some "interesting maneuvering around construction" (but that is all I will give away here) and had good conversation for 2 hours. I love it when days unfold like that and you weren't expecting it!

Saturday night was just some time with Sammy and early to bed as I sang at church on Sunday morning. Church was great as it was the last weekend of Soul Revolution, a 60/60 experiment in being connected with God. What I loved the most about this service is Gateway did a reverse offering. Yes, you heard that correctly. At the end of the message, the pastor had volunteers issue envelopes. Inside were different amounts of money. We had to take that money and give it to or turn it into something good. I know...nuts, right? Even my pastor said that. It brought back the point from a few months ago where I heard, We serve an uncivilized God, who calls uncivilized people to do uncivilized things. It's great because the band decided to pool the money we got in our envelopes and we are going to help a musician in need in the community. More details later on this! After church was the Empty Bowl Project, which was great. My walk home consisted of listening to a new artist, Lamya, (THANKS JASON!!!)....and putting the iPod on shuffle.

Sunday afternoon was a really good nap! (smile) and then Sunday evening was 24 Premier, AMA's, Colts game (another nail biting WIN!!) and more time with Sammy.

It's Monday and I am looking forward to two days of work this week and then some good riding the rest of the week! I am staying in Texas for Thanksgiving!

Later today I will post a few things about my races in the next year! YIKES!!!

I am beautiful, no matter what they say....

2008-11-20T11:40:00.002-06:00

"When our world falls apart and we have no more faces to wear, that's when it's beautiful, and that's when we change." --Jon Foreman.

I love this quote above. I just love it. A friend shared this with me today and so I had to post it. I am learning a lot right now. I am learning it is ok to not know. The unknown has and will always be scary for me but the unknown is really causing me to trust right now. I went to church this past Sunday night after a really great morning running the San Antonio Half....a 1:51 for me...which is a Personal Best. I was 82 out of 1868 in my age group, Top 100 as Sammy would say, which is pretty darn good! Anyway, back to this post. The talk at church was really good and just what I needed. I need to know I don't have to perform. I am learning that sometimes I do wear different "faces" as I don't know that I want people to see the real, hurting me. It's not big big stuff, it's small stuff. Still trying to peal away some layers of hurt....and that can be hard. I need to know it is ok to make mistakes and I needed to hear....it is ok not to know. There is not an age that you need to have it all figured out....and that has caused the panic to go away.

So in catching up....

I had a good time traveling for work and meeting so many wonderful fundraisers for the LAF...NYC was especially great because this marathon is the cream of the crop! if you are going to do just one marathon....do that one! Trust me, it is worth it! 140 LAF runners and $500,000 raised! What a great time!

Now life back in Austin for a few weeks...which will be nice! I am going to get in some good cycling hopefully in the next few weekends. (Carrie, you in?) The weather could not be more perfect!

I am still without a car, but ok with that. I feel like I am not making any quick decisions and well, it is quite easy to get around Austin via bicycle or now the bus! (as Sammy has helped me figure out) In fact, I am enjoying taking the bus to and from work as I get up, go to the Coffee Shop on the corner and then walk about 3/4 mile to a bus stop at the bottom of the hill. Catch it and 3 stops later...I am at work. And it's only .75!!!

My race plans changed a bit next year. I thought I was going to do Ironman CdA again but due to some work conflicts, that is not going to happen. I will be doing an Ironman but that is yet to be determined as I have a good friend that would like me to do it with her. So possibly Ironman AZ is on my horizon. I think the Spring will be about Olympic Distances and just enjoying the "shorter" course again! I will go to St. Anthony's in April, Columbia IronGirl in May, some local races in June and July...a half Marathon here and there. In September, Ironman Augusta 70.3 so my parents can come out and watch me race!! I am most excited about this and then....Ironman FL or AZ in the fall?? Stay tuned.

And if you think about it....say a prayer for a friend that is facing cancer diagnosis #2 today. My heart is hurting for her and her 3 children. I pray the test is negative.

ok....I will be back more regularly...promise!

Empty Bowl Project

2008-11-19T09:31:00.002-06:00

The Empty Bowl Project is a nationwide effort by potters to end hunger. From what I hear this is a really great event and it is this weekend in Austin!! Purchase a bowl for $15 that has been painted by a local artist, fill it up with some food of various Austin vendors that will be there! Sit, eat, enjoy live music and then go get your bowl cleaned and wrapped up to take home!! This would be a great Christmas present....buy a bowl, gift it and let the friend know that it helped feed someone with no food this holiday season!!!

I will be there? will you?

updates....coming soon?

2008-11-17T10:18:00.003-06:00

I know. I know....enough of the threatening emails and phone calls that I have not been good in the last month of blogging....(I love it that it is a verb now) I have much to catch you up on...hopefully in the days to come I will get a chance to write on one OR all of these topics...

*LIVESTRONG Challenge weekend and the amazing 5k and 65 mile ride I endured
*my trip to NYC with Team LIVESTRONG and in seeing really great friends!
*Election night in Times Square!
*the cancellation of Ironman CdA for next due to work conflicts.
*a realization of the pressure I continue put on myself.
*possible new album with Scotty...(a friend I have wanted to collaborate with for quite some time...this album will be amazing)
*my good friend Carrie B. (miss Tri To Be Funny blog found at the right)
*San Antonio Half marathon= a PR for me! (1:51)
*looking to December and 2009.

I promise...I will return!!!!

Life in the fast lane obviously over the past few weeks.....but I do want to write on as much of this as I can

LIVESTRONG Challenge weekend

2008-10-24T15:07:00.002-05:00

This weekend will be busy seeing some old friends that I rode with in RAGBRAI and even seeing a runner from my Hood to Coast weekend! I sat with Wendy Chioji this morning planning the next big exciting fundraising event for the LAF! Truly exciting! I love it that my job is built around relationships and running a 5k and doing a 90 mile bike ride.

There are many people I will think of this weekend who have fought cancer bravely! I am still raising money if you would like to go and make a donation..no amount is TOO small! Please go to THIS LINK to add in a donation.

Have a great weekend and tell someone that you love them!!!

Meet 6 NYC runners for a cause!!

2008-10-21T12:07:00.000-05:00

Meet the 6 NYC Marathon Runners -- powered by http://www.livestrong.com

Dancing with the Stars?

2008-10-21T11:45:00.002-05:00

First, bravo to the person who used photoshop on this. Bravo. Second, does anyone else feel like they are ready for the Season Finale of this thing we call a presidential election? Yes, this election has reinvigorated America and more people are seeing the need to vote. Yes, we have seen some rather wonderful mud-slinging and negativity on BOTH sides. Yes, the debates left much to be desired. (if you ask me)

Palin- My mom always said if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all. At first, I thought she would be decent, watching her at the RNC, and thought "well, she doesn't waiver at least." I think in the end a running-mate who is a gimmick doesn't help you. I am not going to say anything else because I realized I was not doing what I wrote in the first sentence of this paragraph.

Biden- He consistently strays off the message (wait- isn't that the definition of a poltician?) He is too into himself and not the good promoter of the top of the ticket.

Then you get to the Presidential candidates. On my bike ride to work this morning I thought about the final debate. A LOT. I have to go vote tomorrow as I am in NYC election week. And I will honest, I don't know who I will vote for.

I would rather not voice what I think on those candidates. Do the research folks. Don't vote a certain way because it "seems right" or you were "brought up that way" Use the brain you were given and vote for what YOU believe.

Spontaneous Saturday

2008-10-18T18:08:00.002-05:00

I love it when you plan a day and it turns out even better than planned. I got up around 615 AM this morning as Fuller picked me up for Swim practice with T3. We put in a good 2700m...which Fuller kicked my ass in the 10x50m sprints we did. Good gravy she can move it on those sprints!!! It felt great as we were done with our workout by 815...right on time!!

As she drove me home we both mentioned that we hadn't seen our friend Ms. Brown.....so I text her and she was looking for some people to go running on the trail with her...Fuller was in and so was I! Originally I had planned to get right on my bike but you know, I don't HAVE to do anything right now as my race schedule is empty for the time being (and I am ok with that, especially since I am trying to figure out this new "lifestyle" of being vegan.

Anyway...sorry back on track....we met up and ran 3 miles on the trail, hit some breakfast taco action (mine was potato and black bean) and then Fuller took me home. I got in a brief nap (just one hour), hopped on my bike and put in 50 miles. I went about 35 miles hard and the other 15 were me running different errands around town.

Tonight will be an easy evening at home....some veggie burgers, green beans and brown rice. YUMMMMMMM!!!!

I Heart Brandi Carlile

2008-10-17T10:55:00.001-05:00

She's a genius at her music and in her lyric. My good friend Fuller sent this to me as a Friday tune....

I can't wait for the new album in February.

love it that he loves me.

2008-10-16T13:27:00.002-05:00

I normally don't blog on Sammy.....but I can't say enough of how wonderful, amazing and giving he is.

I got back from a long work trip and he had taken great care of miss Eloise, he had cleaned the apartment, had dinner waiting and had two tickets to Marc Broussard on the 24th plus a brand new journal for me. We went to see the MB show the very first week we were dating....it's not his favorite band, but its mine....he is one of the most self-less people I have ever known.

I am super lucky.

Skinny Bitch

2008-10-16T10:41:00.002-05:00

Well, little did I know that in traveling back from Chicago....Colleen would vow to GO VEGAN yet again. I have read 2 books over the past couple of weeks. Diet for A New America by John Robbins and just happened to pick up the quick and easy read...Skinny Bitch, pictured here.

Now, I have done the no dairy, no meat thing before...but in the last year have gotten away from that. I put soda back in my "diet" as that Coca-Cola tasted OH SO GOOD after a 7 hour bike ride. And it just kind of snowballed from there. I have noticed my skin to go bad again, lumps on my ass that weren't there AND my allergies have been freaking out. Maybe I should step away from that bowl of deluxe queso.

On my flight back, I started to read Skinny Bitch and well...the girls put it pretty darn simple, "you cannot keep eating the same shit and expect to get skinny. Healthy=skinny and Unhealthy=fat." huh...really? Have I really looked the other way for SOOOOOO long. They make very clear in this book that they are not promoting a diet, it is a way of life. A way to enjoy food. to feel clean, energized and pure. In other words..."IT'S TIME TO STRUT MY SKINNY ASS DOWN THE STREET...."

I am just gonna throw it out there...I have been trying to take off the last 15 pounds that stick to my stomach and ass for a couple of years now but when I looked at whether I have really made the changes necessary. I have not. Plain and simple.

So yesterday it started. (and thankfully my wonderful guy Sammy is willing to do this with me) No more cheese. No more meat. Only natural sweetners. (and if you ask me where I will get my protein and iron...I have a really good answer for that per the books I have read) No more sugar...it is the devil. Only natural, organic sweetners AND NO MORE COFFEE OR CAFFEINE. And for the first month...no alcohol. I am on day 2 of this and it is hard, but I know the reward will be huge...and possibly those lumps on my ass will disappear. So don't be offended if I don't want to share that bowl of queso or go get some BBQ with you, I am making the changes for last health and removing the shit from my system.

There. I said it. Now you know. Support me.